Today was a doozy. As someone that doesn't like change or surprises, it was full of those things.
We started out by dropping the boys off with Josh's ex-wife for their vacation at the beach. The boys were so nervous until it was time to leave and then the excitement got the better of them. I was a wreck. Sending my boys away for a week, 30 days after losing my daughter, was hard. But I know they are in good hands and they are having a blast already. After dropping the boys off, we took the baby to Josh's mom for the day and overnight. We knew we had a lot going on and needed him to be busy and loved on elsewhere. We knew it was going to be an emotional day.
My sister and I met for coffee and had our PSL's and chatted. We had started these coffee dates a few months ago and after Catherine died, we stopped doing them. I realized today how much I missed them. We talked about everything. While in Panera, we saw band kids getting breakfast before their competition at the high school today. Catherine should have been there with her friends. She would have asked and I would have likely said no. We didn't see much of her during marching season and wanted her at home as much as possible. Maybe that is why the last 30 days haven't seemed too different. She just wasn't home during this time of the year.
Pretty soon after I got home, my sister called me to let me know that they needed some of Catherine's ashes for the 2 pieces of jewelry we had ordered. I made the decision to do it right then and we took the box apart for the first time. I stuck my fingers down in her ashes and then put them to my nose. I thought for sure it would smell like her. It didn't of course. We carefully put a tiny bit of her ashes in the provided container and closed up the box. Before doing so, we taped a picture of her with her information to the inside of the lid of the box. If something ever happened to us or the ashes, we want someone to know that they belonged to a 16 year old girl that left this earth too soon. It was a very surreal moment. How do you put an entire person in a box? How do you reconcile a larger than life person, reduced to ashes in a box? During the whole process, I never shed a tear.
We then sold our couch and love seat to a lovely couple with four children. We chatted for awhile about the antics of our children and it was nice. They were sensitive to our loss and didn't pry. It was nice to just talk about her without it being weird. A trip was made to the store to pick out the first couch I found and liked. Amazingly enough it fit into our van with no issues. Big change! It was the first piece of new furniture we bought as a married couple. Everything else has been second hand.
While out getting the couch, we got the call that the 2 custom pieces of jewelry were ready for pickup. I was surprised because it wasn't supposed to be done until middle of next week. We headed down to The Jewelers and walked in. I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen. I had intended to pick up our 2 pieces and leave. When Shawn came out and handed them to me, I fell apart. In the middle of this beautiful store, I sobbed. It was exactly what I wanted and more. It was exactly my girl. Nothing else I had looked at seemed right for my girl. Shawn shared his talents and grace and kindness and created a beautiful piece for myself and Britt. It was an emotional moment and I wasn't the only one that teared up. My girl's ashes are welded inside this custom piece and she will be with me forever. We will drive the other one to Memphis to deliver to Catherine's sister in a few weeks.
After that emotional release, we came home, set up our new couch, and decided to go eat. See, all day long we knew we were going to experience something incredibly difficult tonight. I think we were dragging our feet because we knew it was going to be rough. After eating dinner, we headed to Lebanon High School for their annual Blue Devil Invitational marching competition. We promised the kids at the funeral and visitation that we would go and see them march as the exhibition band. Pulling into the high school was difficult. We no longer have a student there. We felt like foreigners. Seeing the band parents that we once worked with at band events and band kids that we once saw regularly was sad. We are no longer band parents. It is a huge chunk of our life that is no more. We made it through the gates and visited with other band parents and made our way to the stands. I assumed we would sit by ourselves but found we were suddenly surrounded by band parents and friends. We were laughing and cutting up and it was like old times and then I heard the cadence. We heard them coming and then off in the distance I saw the white plumes. It got louder as they got closer and my chest started to tighten. The band took the field and it was the first moment that it felt real. She wasn't out there. She should have been out there. We always managed to find each other. I could spot her out of the whole band and she would look for my blonde head in the stands. We would always lock eyes and she would give me a special smile. One that only I saw. And through each performance, I was able to follow my girl. But tonight she wasn't there. When the band started to play, I fell apart. It started out as watery eyes and then turned into full blown sobs. I openly wept through the entire show. When the flute feature was played, it knocked the breath out of me. I couldn't catch my breath. I could only cry. Once the show was done, I begged Josh to get me out of there. I wanted to run as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure I made a spectacle of myself but didn't care. This was the hardest I have cried since the day she died. I couldn't stop. Hell, I'm still crying as I type this tonight. It became all too real. She really isn't coming back. She's gone. HOW IN THE HELL IS SHE GONE??? She should have been out on that field. I should have made eye contact with her and gotten my little smirk. I should have been able to hear her play. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I wept all the way out of the stadium until we got to a bench and I had to sit down. I couldn't breath and the panic had set in full force. I sat on that bench and openly wept. I didn't care who saw. We finally made it to the car and I cried all the way home. It was the most heartbreaking moment through this process. I'm emotionally drained and so incredibly sad.
So to all the band parents I ignored in my race to the car, I'm sorry. To all the band kids, you guys rocked that show and Catherine would be so damn proud. I know she was cheering for you guys and with the best seat in the house, she saw just how far you have come this season. I know some of you really miss her and I get it. Hang in there and keep doing what you love. I know it is exactly what she would want.
Today was one with all the feels. Happy feels, sad feels, mad feels, and every other feel in between. I'm not sure how tomorrow will be. I'm so sad at the moment and I pray it passes by morning. Sometimes all the feels make me want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. Tomorrow may be that day. I fear the feels got the best of me today.
We started out by dropping the boys off with Josh's ex-wife for their vacation at the beach. The boys were so nervous until it was time to leave and then the excitement got the better of them. I was a wreck. Sending my boys away for a week, 30 days after losing my daughter, was hard. But I know they are in good hands and they are having a blast already. After dropping the boys off, we took the baby to Josh's mom for the day and overnight. We knew we had a lot going on and needed him to be busy and loved on elsewhere. We knew it was going to be an emotional day.
My sister and I met for coffee and had our PSL's and chatted. We had started these coffee dates a few months ago and after Catherine died, we stopped doing them. I realized today how much I missed them. We talked about everything. While in Panera, we saw band kids getting breakfast before their competition at the high school today. Catherine should have been there with her friends. She would have asked and I would have likely said no. We didn't see much of her during marching season and wanted her at home as much as possible. Maybe that is why the last 30 days haven't seemed too different. She just wasn't home during this time of the year.
Pretty soon after I got home, my sister called me to let me know that they needed some of Catherine's ashes for the 2 pieces of jewelry we had ordered. I made the decision to do it right then and we took the box apart for the first time. I stuck my fingers down in her ashes and then put them to my nose. I thought for sure it would smell like her. It didn't of course. We carefully put a tiny bit of her ashes in the provided container and closed up the box. Before doing so, we taped a picture of her with her information to the inside of the lid of the box. If something ever happened to us or the ashes, we want someone to know that they belonged to a 16 year old girl that left this earth too soon. It was a very surreal moment. How do you put an entire person in a box? How do you reconcile a larger than life person, reduced to ashes in a box? During the whole process, I never shed a tear.
We then sold our couch and love seat to a lovely couple with four children. We chatted for awhile about the antics of our children and it was nice. They were sensitive to our loss and didn't pry. It was nice to just talk about her without it being weird. A trip was made to the store to pick out the first couch I found and liked. Amazingly enough it fit into our van with no issues. Big change! It was the first piece of new furniture we bought as a married couple. Everything else has been second hand.
While out getting the couch, we got the call that the 2 custom pieces of jewelry were ready for pickup. I was surprised because it wasn't supposed to be done until middle of next week. We headed down to The Jewelers and walked in. I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen. I had intended to pick up our 2 pieces and leave. When Shawn came out and handed them to me, I fell apart. In the middle of this beautiful store, I sobbed. It was exactly what I wanted and more. It was exactly my girl. Nothing else I had looked at seemed right for my girl. Shawn shared his talents and grace and kindness and created a beautiful piece for myself and Britt. It was an emotional moment and I wasn't the only one that teared up. My girl's ashes are welded inside this custom piece and she will be with me forever. We will drive the other one to Memphis to deliver to Catherine's sister in a few weeks.
After that emotional release, we came home, set up our new couch, and decided to go eat. See, all day long we knew we were going to experience something incredibly difficult tonight. I think we were dragging our feet because we knew it was going to be rough. After eating dinner, we headed to Lebanon High School for their annual Blue Devil Invitational marching competition. We promised the kids at the funeral and visitation that we would go and see them march as the exhibition band. Pulling into the high school was difficult. We no longer have a student there. We felt like foreigners. Seeing the band parents that we once worked with at band events and band kids that we once saw regularly was sad. We are no longer band parents. It is a huge chunk of our life that is no more. We made it through the gates and visited with other band parents and made our way to the stands. I assumed we would sit by ourselves but found we were suddenly surrounded by band parents and friends. We were laughing and cutting up and it was like old times and then I heard the cadence. We heard them coming and then off in the distance I saw the white plumes. It got louder as they got closer and my chest started to tighten. The band took the field and it was the first moment that it felt real. She wasn't out there. She should have been out there. We always managed to find each other. I could spot her out of the whole band and she would look for my blonde head in the stands. We would always lock eyes and she would give me a special smile. One that only I saw. And through each performance, I was able to follow my girl. But tonight she wasn't there. When the band started to play, I fell apart. It started out as watery eyes and then turned into full blown sobs. I openly wept through the entire show. When the flute feature was played, it knocked the breath out of me. I couldn't catch my breath. I could only cry. Once the show was done, I begged Josh to get me out of there. I wanted to run as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure I made a spectacle of myself but didn't care. This was the hardest I have cried since the day she died. I couldn't stop. Hell, I'm still crying as I type this tonight. It became all too real. She really isn't coming back. She's gone. HOW IN THE HELL IS SHE GONE??? She should have been out on that field. I should have made eye contact with her and gotten my little smirk. I should have been able to hear her play. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE. I wept all the way out of the stadium until we got to a bench and I had to sit down. I couldn't breath and the panic had set in full force. I sat on that bench and openly wept. I didn't care who saw. We finally made it to the car and I cried all the way home. It was the most heartbreaking moment through this process. I'm emotionally drained and so incredibly sad.
So to all the band parents I ignored in my race to the car, I'm sorry. To all the band kids, you guys rocked that show and Catherine would be so damn proud. I know she was cheering for you guys and with the best seat in the house, she saw just how far you have come this season. I know some of you really miss her and I get it. Hang in there and keep doing what you love. I know it is exactly what she would want.
Today was one with all the feels. Happy feels, sad feels, mad feels, and every other feel in between. I'm not sure how tomorrow will be. I'm so sad at the moment and I pray it passes by morning. Sometimes all the feels make me want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. Tomorrow may be that day. I fear the feels got the best of me today.
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