The Reality of Grief

It has been one year since we lost my beautiful girl. There are no words. Today isn't a celebration. It isn't an anniversary. It is the one year mark. Catherine and I shared a love of music and we communicated a lot through music. So, I've put together this video. It is long. It might make you cry. But this was the only way I knew how to communicate on this day.

We had zero intentions on going to the Wilson County Fair this year. As it was the last thing we did with Catherine, we weren't mentally prepared to go this year. We had dug our heels in and were adamant about our attendance.   They say that the definition of bravery is doing something despite being terrified. They also say that being a parent means putting your children's needs before your own. Josh and I had to live by both those sayings this weekend. As much as we didn't want to go for fear of emotions and memories, we knew that the only way the boys would go to the fair is if we took them ourselves. Parenting and bravery, all at once. So we surprised the boys as we were walking out the door. Max burst into tears from excitement and relief and Charlie was a ball of happy energy.  I hate heights and this was the "kiddie" ferris wheel We went on Sunday because there was a car show that morning. My boys love old cars and I'm a bit partial t

Have you ever read a book multiple times and despite knowing the ending, you are still shocked at the end? For me, that book is "Envy" by Sandra Brown. The first time I read it was while commuting back and forth between Lebanon and Franklin after Catherine was born. Back when we had books on tape from the library. The plot thickened as I was heading around the curve to get on I-24 and 440. I remember screaming at the plot twist because it was so shocking. Every time I reread that book, I still find myself shocked at the end. I've read the book a couple dozen times and the end still gets me. Today marks the 2 week mark until we hit the one year mark of Catherine's death. I have spent a lot of time contemplating the last 2 weeks we had together. It's like rereading a book that has worn pages and a cracked spine. I remember the last 2 weeks being a mixture of fighting and good times. We went to the fair together. It was the last photo taken of the 3 of us. As the d

Last spring I planted sunflowers and a whole bunch of wildflowers along the fence line outside my kitchen. Catherine loved both sunflowers and wildflowers. We had quite the crop last summer. They lasted quite some time. Even after she died. This year, I just didn't have it in me to plant anything. I've been good to survive thus far in my journey. Despite not planting anything in that flower bed, a few zinnas came up. And then on Friday I saw a lone forget me not, growing in the side yard. I found it odd and out of place. Out of all the wildflowers that bloomed, there weren't many forget me nots. So I smiled and walked into the house. Later that day I noticed it was gone and it made me slightly sad. Josh mowed the yard and I thought that was the end of my little flower. Until Friday evening. As we got home that evening, our neighborhood rabbit was sitting in our yard. Its also the same one that attempted to photo bomb the boys first day of school photo last