The Reality of Grief

Since this past Tuesday when I was let go from my job, I have made a few observations. To start, I find myself happier. I didn't realize how much resentment I held because I had to work and keep all my feelings of grief and hopelessness on the inside. I find I have more energy. Going to work all day and putting on a brave face while working at a high stress job is exhausting. In the evenings, I would get home and crash. In the last year since Catherine died, I can count on two hands how many times I've actually cooked a substantial meal. None were creative and it was only done to feed the kids. While we have sort of kept up with the house, I've realized this last week that it looks a bit like a war zone. Josh and I have done the bare minimum to get by this last year. And I have not baked or made any thing sweet in over a year. That all changed on Tuesday morning. I walked in the house with a clear head and a happier heart and looked around. I felt motivated and inspired

Today started out like any other day. I got the kids up and out the door, dropped Henry off at daycare, and headed into work. I sat through my first meeting of the day and was headed into my second meeting when I was called into the HR office. I was informed that my position had been eliminated. Lord was I caught off guard. I was shocked as I walked to my car with a box of my stuff. But I never panicked. When Catherine died, I went back to work a week later. I felt like I had so much to do and it would be a great distraction. After everything my coworkers did for my family when Catherine died, I needed to be back at work. It was a safe space. So I worked. I would take a day off here and there for "mental health" when some days were too much to handle. But I never really took time off to process what had happened. I focused on my career, my husband, and my children. Sure, I would cry and have outbursts but I would move on and head into the next day. Until I couldn't anym