The Reality of Grief

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Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it. The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not q

Another Closing Chapter

I realize that my blog posts have been few and far between lately. We refer to the month of May as the "dark month" around here. Mother's Day, my birthday, Catherine's birthday, and this year, high school graduation. Today is the day that the Lebanon High School Class of 2019 will graduate. I've struggled with this a lot. Do I want to go? Am I in a good enough place to go? Am I too angry to go? The answers are yes, I want to go; I'm not sure but I suppose we will see; and while I'm angry, I'm not too angry to go. My anger lies both deep within me, as well as on the surface. I'm mad as hell that Catherine isn't here to graduate. All the hard work and goals we had set. Today was the day that we were going to give everyone that doubted my ability to raise Catherine, as well as doubted Catherine graduating, a big old eff you. Having her at such a young age, a lot of people expected me to fail at parenting. Some even said that the apple won'

Saying Goodbye

In the beginning of this journey, I read everything I could find on grief. Each book said the same thing. It mentioned the many stages of grief and how it is a process one must go through. There was no hope. No guidance for the future. Reading those books, I could not imagine how I was supposed to live in this grieving process for the rest of my life. If this was how it was supposed to be, then I was going to be done on this earth. I spent my days, in a fog, just waiting to join Catherine one day. At one point, my grief got so bad that my husband, my doctor, and I all made an agreement that if I got to the point of no return, I would be honest and go willingly into a facility. By September 2018, I was actively looking for an inpatient facility because the pain was so incredibly intense. It was September 11, 2018 that I was informed that my position at Permobil was being eliminated. Oddly enough, it was a good feeling. As I was trying to figure how to live this life of sadness and

Hope

Monday was a really fun day. My partner in crime and I spent the day out and about. Our main goal was to drop instruments off from the middle school at a repair shop in Nashville but there was stuff to get into in that area. After dropping off the instruments, we hit the stores. Our very first stop was Michael's Craft store, because you know we needed more craft stuff. We were walking up and down the aisles when the topic of the high school graduation came up. It is funny to me what can trigger a panic attack or an attack of grief. I've known it was coming and most days I'm okay with it. But for some reason, the grief hit fast and hard in that moment. I started to wander through the store, aimlessly, looking at things to get my mind off of it. Catherine and what would have been her high school graduation was renting a lot of space in my head. I felt the weight of sadness and the change was noticeable. Breathing through it or thinking ahead to the future wasn't working

To find a blessing, despite the grief

When my sister and I were little girls (and even as we got older), we would pour over the American Girl doll catalog. I read every book my library had on the American Girl dolls and my sister loved their accessories. We dreamed of having a room full of these dolls with all their stuff. As we got older, that American Girl doll dream faded to the background. When I had Catherine, I was surprised to find that she wasn't all that into dolls. Until she got to the age of 12 and the AG doll catalog showed up to our house. I had always wanted to get her one but money was tight and it wasn't an option. Over the next 4 years, we would joke about getting our American Girl dolls. Josh and I discussed getting Catherine one the last Christmas she was home before college. That would have been this past Christmas. At almost 18 years old, she would have treasured that doll. But the best laid plans..... So last Christmas I asked my sister if Josh and I could purchase an American Girl doll

Senior Picture

When Catherine died, I wept to my dear friend about all the things I was going to miss due to her death. Prom, concerts, marching band, senior pictures, graduation, and a million other things. She graciously offered to share her daughter, my daughter's best friend, for some of those events. And she did. This school year, their senior year, I've been to band concerts and band competitions. I've carried on the sticker tradition, bringing Julia a sticker from places we go, just like Catherine would. We've done birthdays and Thanksgiving. In turn, Julia (and so many of Catherine's other friends) have stepped up in so many ways. Whether it be a comforting hug, playing the role of big sister to my boys, including me in school gossip, or sharing stories about Catherine, these kids have brought so much love and comfort to our lives as we grieve the tremendous and profound loss of our daughter. So when Julia's mother handed me a framed photo and envelope the other day,