Skip to main content

Finding a new groove

We are approaching the one month mark of Catherine's death and I feel like some of the fog is lifting. Everything has been very hazy and confusing the last month. Everything has been a struggle. Showering, cooking, cleaning, going to work, getting dressed, and just living.

Today was different. I only had one anxiety attack and it was during a meeting at work when I let my mind wander a bit (sorry, it was a boring moment). Work is my safe space and I love going in each day. Being distracted by a job that I love with people I love makes the day go by quickly. I seemed to be more focused today and laughter came easily. I felt like in some way I found my new groove. It felt different. The pain was there but not as intense.

The evening seemed to be different for me as well. I didn't dread coming home. The house wasn't in chaos. We had a change in plans for dinner and I didn't freak out. Max and I cooked macaroni and cheese together, Charlie and I made a taco salad for him, the baby happily ate the macaroni, and the kitchen was cleaned by yours truly. In coming out of my fog and haze, I realized that my stove was filthy. My stove is now cleaned and I even convinced Max to run the vacuum through the house. The baby cooperated and it was nice. No fighting. No drama. Just a calmer groove.

While I realize that this isn't permanent, it was a nice change. It was a brief respite from the grief and pain. It felt like the path to a new normal. Tomorrow could be totally different. But I'm grateful for this day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cause of death

This particular subject has been on my mind for quite a few days. My husband and I discussed it and while we felt the following needed to be said, we were afraid to send a different message. I've prayed about this post and I keep feeling pushed to write it. For starters, this is not about my daughter's cause of death. We do not know it. We plan on not finding out. When they call with the results, the only thing I want to know is if it is something that could happen to my boys. That is it. Knowing her cause of death won't bring me peace. It won't bring her back. It won't change anything. She will still be gone and my heart will still be torn into a million pieces. My sweet daughter died peacefully in her sleep. There are numerous ways she could have died in her sleep. Knowing won't bring her back. One of the first things I'm asked is what happened. I usually respond with something in regards to her passing in her sleep. One would think that should be th...
5 comments
Read more

Finding the "Sparklies"

Ten years ago our family faced a huge loss. My cousin's 5 year old daughter passed away. It was a shock for our whole family. I remember being terrified of losing my own children. Death seems to happen to everyone else but when it hits so close to home, it becomes very scary and real. I started reading her blog (and still do) and following her through her journey. When my Catherine died, my cousin couldn't get to me fast enough. She came to hold my hand as I was inducted as a member of the club that no mother wants to join. In reading her blog, she always lists "Sparklies" of her day. Hannah was fancy and loved all things fancy. Rachael and I like to think that our girls are hanging out together now. As a result, I had my first run in with "sparklies" since August 30th. With my goal of self care, I try to get a manicure and pedicure every few weeks. It is my time to sit and be still. No one bothers me and my usual nail girl doesn't chat, except to tell ...
3 comments
Read more

The Issue of Bullying

Let me start by saying that I'm angry and I've thought about this post for some time. The issue has come up quite a bit the last week. A sweet soul left this earth and suddenly the parents of Wilson County decided to address the issue of bullying. They wanted to use my daughter's death as an example as well. The problem with that? My daughter didn't end her life because of bullying. She didn't even end her life. What the parents of this fine county did was exactly the thing they have been rallying against all week. To claim the cause of death of my daughter was suicide was a form of bullying. Especially since her parents don't even know the cause of death. Imagine waiting on that phone call and seeing everyone running with misinformation while you are still coming to terms with your child's death and knowing that eventual phone call with the cause of death is coming. Did you know it takes 8-14 weeks to get back a cause of death? We are 6 weeks into this and ...
3 comments
Read more