Skip to main content

What to do when someone dies and how to help the grieving

We are southerners. We show up for death. We show up with food. Lots and lots of food. In the moments after they took Catherine away, my first thoughts were to clean the house and empty the fridge. Being in the south, we were about to get a ton of BBQ and mayonaise based dishes. And boy did people show up. With food. Lots and lots of food. But it was the items I'm about to list below that made the biggest impact. These items came from people who lost someone and knew what to bring. This doesn't take away from food. We are southerners and we know funeral food. But here are the things that no one thinks about that helps. 

1. Drinks. People show up with food, and lots of it. Someone who had lost a spouse showed up with drinks. Cases of water and soda and juice boxes for the kids. We are still going through all the drinks. They made a huge difference. 

2. Paper plates and plastic utensils. Who the hell wants to do dishes when you just lost someone you love? Certainly not me. I could barely feed myself or shower, how was I supposed to do dishes? We are almost 3 weeks in and just started using actual dishes and it is still hard to do the dishes. 

3. Toilet paper and paper towels. Seriously ya'll. Your house is overrun with company. Family and friends and coworkers and the pastor. You will run out of all those things. Who wants to be without toilet paper in the middle of a crisis? Show up with those things. It makes a difference. 

4. Do not expect to be entertained. You give hugs, ask what they need, do some dishes, sweep a floor, check on the laundry, and then get the hell out. Unless they want you to stay. There are times when I want people to stay and chat. I like to talk about my daughter. Be prepared to listen. But when they stop talking, it is time to go. 

5. Don't complain about your life and don't expect the person that lost a loved one to comfort you. They are barely holding themselves together. Just because they are having a moment of laughter doesn't mean they are fine. Call a friend and have them comfort you. 

6. If there are children involved, offer to take them to the park or a movie or dinner. The boys' teacher showed up one night and took the boys to the store to get stuff to do at the visitation and then took them to dinner with a few of their other teachers. Parent's can feel guilty for asking for the kids to leave. Make the offer. They may say no but still offer. Feel free to bring coloring books or games or a movie. Something to bring joy. Kids grieve differently, they need to be treated differently. Kids don't care about the casserole you brought. They will love a new book. 

There is no guide to dealing with death. All we know is to show up with food. And cards. And flowers. Those were all things that made a huge difference in our time of great sorrow. But but the people will stop coming. They will lose interest. Make sure you do a pop-in visit or drop off a case of water or their favorite drink. Two of my favorite people were notorious for leaving vitamin waters and a couple packs of cigarettes at our front door. Those were a lifesaver. The grieving doesn't end after two weeks. There is no expiration date on grief. If you make offers to take out a grieving mother or father or widow or widower, don't be surprised if they say no. But don't give up on them. Keep asking. Even a phone call or text message will suffice to keep the lines of communication open. And don't be surprised if they don't respond. I still get messages and while I read every one, sometimes writing back is in the too hard pile. But I know they are still there. Everyone does grief differently. Be ready and open to whatever. But most importantly, just love them. They need that the most of all. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Harsh Truth

In thirteen days, it will mark 4 years since Catherine died. How it can seem like it happened both yesterday and a lifetime ago continues to puzzle me. Four years later and I still struggle with accepting that it wasn’t my fault and that while I want to believe that I could save her, I’ve learned that I’m just not that powerful.  With this terrible milestone approaching, I sit here angry and doing everything in my power to not rage at parents that are spitting in the face of science and the experts that are desperately trying to save lives all because they believe they know what is best for their child. Sure, as parents we believe we know what is right for our children but we also rely on doctors, scientists, and research to ensure we are making the right decision. We are currently faced with a pandemic that went from affecting the older population and those with underlying health conditions a year ago to now affecting our children. I still see the same people saying that it is jus...
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it. The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not q...
Post a Comment
Read more

Senior Picture

When Catherine died, I wept to my dear friend about all the things I was going to miss due to her death. Prom, concerts, marching band, senior pictures, graduation, and a million other things. She graciously offered to share her daughter, my daughter's best friend, for some of those events. And she did. This school year, their senior year, I've been to band concerts and band competitions. I've carried on the sticker tradition, bringing Julia a sticker from places we go, just like Catherine would. We've done birthdays and Thanksgiving. In turn, Julia (and so many of Catherine's other friends) have stepped up in so many ways. Whether it be a comforting hug, playing the role of big sister to my boys, including me in school gossip, or sharing stories about Catherine, these kids have brought so much love and comfort to our lives as we grieve the tremendous and profound loss of our daughter. So when Julia's mother handed me a framed photo and envelope the other day,...
Post a Comment
Read more