Finding the "Sparklies"

Ten years ago our family faced a huge loss. My cousin's 5 year old daughter passed away. It was a shock for our whole family. I remember being terrified of losing my own children. Death seems to happen to everyone else but when it hits so close to home, it becomes very scary and real. I started reading her blog (and still do) and following her through her journey. When my Catherine died, my cousin couldn't get to me fast enough. She came to hold my hand as I was inducted as a member of the club that no mother wants to join. In reading her blog, she always lists "Sparklies" of her day. Hannah was fancy and loved all things fancy. Rachael and I like to think that our girls are hanging out together now. As a result, I had my first run in with "sparklies" since August 30th.

With my goal of self care, I try to get a manicure and pedicure every few weeks. It is my time to sit and be still. No one bothers me and my usual nail girl doesn't chat, except to tell me nail color choice is too dark. Last night I had a different nail girl. She was young and enthusiastic for life. She immediately commented on my nail color that was almost black and asked why I had such a sad color. Without thinking, I told her my daughter died. She looked sad for a minute and then asked how old she was and how I was doing. After telling her that she was 16 and that I was sad but doing better, she told me I needed happy nails. I looked at her like she was insane. But she persisted. Just like my Catherine would have kept on until I eventually agreed. She said I needed nail art, happy color, and sparklies. I stopped and looked at her. Who the hell says sparklies other than my cousin? It isn't a common term. So I assumed that Catherine and Hannah were ganging up on me through this sweet nail girl. I could almost hear my daughter in my head telling me that it was time to be done with the "emo bullshit" and to move on. So I agreed. My nail color went from almost black to a beige shade of pink. That sweet nail girl was super excited about a new design she had seen and asked if she could try it on my nails. Her enthusiasm was contagious and I found myself excited about this new design. She went to work on my nails and I relaxed.

About the time she was filing my nails, two women came in and started loudly chatting about a surgery coming up, one that didn't seem to be super major. She asked her friend to do her hair and makeup so she could have a photo shoot done before the surgery. She wanted a nice head shot in case she died. It would look good at the memorial service. The two of them went on about what flowers she wanted and music and were laughing and cutting up and making such crass comments about a funeral. I get it, they were joking. But I wanted to look at them and yell "I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS AND THERE IS NOTHING FUN ABOUT DEATH OR A DAMN FUNERAL!" Again, the irrational anger came to a head. Apparently I started to shake as I felt the panic rising. I was struggling to keep it together. My nail girl brought me some water and I took a Xanax. Then my sweet nail girl started talking loudly about how some customers can be such assholes and started telling me about other clients she had. Our eyes met and those big brown eyes of hers gave me such comfort. It was unspoken that I was upset and she wanted to protect me. We chatted as she layered the "sparklies" on one nail per hand. She told me about the nail art we would do next time as she painted lines on my pink nails. She took the extra time to massage my arms and hands with lotion and I felt myself calm down. While I believe that Catherine and Hannah totally ganged up on me, they also comforted me.

I left the nail salon feeling lighter and happier. My happy nails with sparklies looked youthful and nothing like me. I was relaxed and felt like I had just spent 90 minutes with a version of my daughter. I suspect she will be my new nail person. Her enthusiasm for life and her job were contagious. Because at the end of the day, I'm still here. My boys are still here. My husband is still here. We all have life and need to enjoy it. Yes, there are times when we are in the pit of despair or drowning in our own grief. But then the sparklies show up. I like to think of them as an extension of the helpers.

On a side note, Josh and I are headed to the mountains for a weekend away to reconnect. We are disconnecting as much as possible and I won't be blogging the next few days. Our doctor has given us "official" orders to eat, sleep, and make a baby. Basically we are going to spend time together, away from this town, away from the media, away from the ones that want to gossip, and just enjoy each other and the beautiful scenery. This trip has been planned since June and I think it is exactly what we need.