We have all heard of "Fight or Flight" but this journey doesn't give that option very often. It is more of a "Flee or See" situation. When I am facing a situation that is going to cause anxiety, I have to decide if I'm going to flee the situation or see it through.
I have had quite a few of these moments. When a song comes on that brings up memories of Catherine, I am faced with leaving the room or I can see it through and let the memories come over me. Sometimes I take it all in and see it through. When a song came on the other day that was our favorite, I wanted to flee and leave the room but instead I was able to see it through. I let the happy memories wash over me and while it was painful, the memories were nice. I'm faced with these situations daily.
There are quite a few that I want to flee but I'm forced to see it through. Sometimes my mind wanders and I am taken to the morning I found her. The vision of her laying there in her bed brings so much pain. I can't seem to get it out of my head. That memory is vivid and painful. I try to flee the memory but my mind decides that I'm going to see it through. The anxiety washes over me and the pain is almost unbearable. I remember calling 911 and begging them to come and save her. But in my heart, I knew it was too late. As hard as I try to flee, my mind won't let me. I'm ready for those memories to not be so vivid. I'm ready for the pain to not be so breathtaking and all consuming.
There are moments that I can flee and I take advantage. I can leave the room or change the channel when a song comes on. I can choose to not go into her room or I can distract myself with other memories. When I am taken to that awful morning, I sometimes can catch myself and flee by remembering the last time I saw her. She was leaving for band and she waved and told me she loved me. I can flee the pain by staying busy.
Then there are the days that I don't think much about it. I am so busy that the opportunity to flee or see doesn't come up. And then there are the days that I am overwhelmed with those moments. There are still some fight or flight moments. When we saw the false news report on Saturday, instead of letting it go, I fought. Lots of phone calls and emails made me feel like I was making a difference. It didn't work and the report is still out there but at least I fought.
What I'm faced with each day is a mystery. And while each day is a challenge, every night is a victory.
I have had quite a few of these moments. When a song comes on that brings up memories of Catherine, I am faced with leaving the room or I can see it through and let the memories come over me. Sometimes I take it all in and see it through. When a song came on the other day that was our favorite, I wanted to flee and leave the room but instead I was able to see it through. I let the happy memories wash over me and while it was painful, the memories were nice. I'm faced with these situations daily.
There are quite a few that I want to flee but I'm forced to see it through. Sometimes my mind wanders and I am taken to the morning I found her. The vision of her laying there in her bed brings so much pain. I can't seem to get it out of my head. That memory is vivid and painful. I try to flee the memory but my mind decides that I'm going to see it through. The anxiety washes over me and the pain is almost unbearable. I remember calling 911 and begging them to come and save her. But in my heart, I knew it was too late. As hard as I try to flee, my mind won't let me. I'm ready for those memories to not be so vivid. I'm ready for the pain to not be so breathtaking and all consuming.
There are moments that I can flee and I take advantage. I can leave the room or change the channel when a song comes on. I can choose to not go into her room or I can distract myself with other memories. When I am taken to that awful morning, I sometimes can catch myself and flee by remembering the last time I saw her. She was leaving for band and she waved and told me she loved me. I can flee the pain by staying busy.
Then there are the days that I don't think much about it. I am so busy that the opportunity to flee or see doesn't come up. And then there are the days that I am overwhelmed with those moments. There are still some fight or flight moments. When we saw the false news report on Saturday, instead of letting it go, I fought. Lots of phone calls and emails made me feel like I was making a difference. It didn't work and the report is still out there but at least I fought.
What I'm faced with each day is a mystery. And while each day is a challenge, every night is a victory.
I still am consumed in anxiety and can't function or breathe when memories of those moments of losing Hannah come up. That has yet to leave and I can't seem to not do it.
ReplyDeleteIt is so overwhelming. There just doesn't seem to be an escape from it. The memories wash over me and I wonder when I will catch my breath. Everything goes numb. But I am with you, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. (Btw...I wish you lived closer! I would come give you hugs often.)
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