I am faced each day with different stories of death and grief. A lot of times people tell me they know how I feel because they faced a loss. I question that, a lot. When people tell me of the death of a loved one, I tell them I don't know their grief, but I do know grief. Because not all grief is the same.
How do you quantify a level of grief? Is my grief the same as someone who lost a parent or sibling or spouse? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like there are clubs. Someone who lost a sibling club. Someone who lost a spouse club. Someone who lost a parent club. Someone who lost a child club. But what about within those clubs? Is someone's grief the same that lost a spouse and was married for 3 years versus 30 years? What about a young child that loses an infant sibling versus a grown up losing a grown sibling? What about someone that lost a child that was 2 years old versus 30 years old? I don't know their grief, but I do know grief.
Within those clubs, we all grieve differently too. I've watched a woman that lost her husband completely ruin her life with alcohol but another woman changed her life for the good. Through my process, I've watched a grieving mother lean on her faith and love of God. I've dealt with my grief through self care. Drastic haircuts, manicures and pedicures, and massage (thank you to a beautiful woman for that gift!!) have all helped me in my grieving while my husband hasn't shaved and can't stand the thought of getting a hair cut. I've watched someone very close to me lose their father and they bottled up all their grief and many years later, they aren't happy. But I've seen someone else lose a mother and grieve while moving forward in life. Why do we do that? Is there a proper way to grieve?
I spoke to my grandmother this weekend. She is part of the reason I don't cry often. "If you aren't hurt, then don't cry" was drilled into my head at a young age. I appreciate that lesson. It has helped me so much in the real world. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was guilty of bottling up my grief and then letting it all out at once in giant meltdowns and that some days were really hard to function. She told me that while it is okay to grieve, I still have a husband and little boys that need me to be present. And I realized that I had checked out a little. Keeping my boys at arms length and not talking about my feelings with my husband and just going through the motions of life. That doesn't seem to be a productive way to grieve. But is there a productive way?
Some drink, some pray, some grieve loudly while others grieve silently. Because not all grief is the same. I don't know your grief, but boy do I know grief.
How do you quantify a level of grief? Is my grief the same as someone who lost a parent or sibling or spouse? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like there are clubs. Someone who lost a sibling club. Someone who lost a spouse club. Someone who lost a parent club. Someone who lost a child club. But what about within those clubs? Is someone's grief the same that lost a spouse and was married for 3 years versus 30 years? What about a young child that loses an infant sibling versus a grown up losing a grown sibling? What about someone that lost a child that was 2 years old versus 30 years old? I don't know their grief, but I do know grief.
Within those clubs, we all grieve differently too. I've watched a woman that lost her husband completely ruin her life with alcohol but another woman changed her life for the good. Through my process, I've watched a grieving mother lean on her faith and love of God. I've dealt with my grief through self care. Drastic haircuts, manicures and pedicures, and massage (thank you to a beautiful woman for that gift!!) have all helped me in my grieving while my husband hasn't shaved and can't stand the thought of getting a hair cut. I've watched someone very close to me lose their father and they bottled up all their grief and many years later, they aren't happy. But I've seen someone else lose a mother and grieve while moving forward in life. Why do we do that? Is there a proper way to grieve?
I spoke to my grandmother this weekend. She is part of the reason I don't cry often. "If you aren't hurt, then don't cry" was drilled into my head at a young age. I appreciate that lesson. It has helped me so much in the real world. She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was guilty of bottling up my grief and then letting it all out at once in giant meltdowns and that some days were really hard to function. She told me that while it is okay to grieve, I still have a husband and little boys that need me to be present. And I realized that I had checked out a little. Keeping my boys at arms length and not talking about my feelings with my husband and just going through the motions of life. That doesn't seem to be a productive way to grieve. But is there a productive way?
Some drink, some pray, some grieve loudly while others grieve silently. Because not all grief is the same. I don't know your grief, but boy do I know grief.
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