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One down, too many to go

We survived our first holiday. It was rough. Her absence was obvious and it hurt. I'm dreading the rest of the holidays we have to face.

Facebook memories is the greatest and worst thing. They are great to look back at memories from over the years but they are horrible when you are grieving the loss of someone who pops up on your memories feed every day. Today was worse. I've been on Facebook for 9 years. There were 8 years worth of Halloween memories with Catherine. Eight years worth of photos. Eight years worth of costumes. Eight years worth of Halloween memories. Some days it is like a car accident. You know you shouldn't look but you do anyway. I looked. And it made me so profoundly sad. Henry only got 2 years of Halloween with Catherine. Only 2 years of photos to show she existed in his life. His first Halloween she joked that she went as a teen mom and carried him around. His second Halloween she walked with him at the fall festivals. His third Halloween she wasn't there. No more memories with her.

The day was filled with anxiety and sadness. I was wondering how in the hell I was going to make it through the day. I spent the first part on the verge of tears. And then the greatest thing happened. The Gayle to my Oprah (or vice versa) showed up at work, dressed as Mario, riding an inflatable dinosaur. I laughed harder than I have in days. We tortured one of my coworkers that happens to be a mutual friend. It was all in great fun and it brightened my mood. But in the back of my mind I knew I was about to face the worst of my day.

We have traditions at Halloween and we couldn't break them this year. It meant too much to everyone. Dinner at mom's with my sister and her crew and then Trick or Treating with the Moheit crew, my exhusband, his wife, their daughter, and us with our crew. Normally Catherine would stay with mom and pass out candy. Tonight was no different except for the obvious absence of Catherine. My heart wasn't in it much this year. Halfway through the neighborhood I decided to head back to the house to pass out candy with mom. I knew it would be too hard to come back with all the kids and not have her there. I guess in some way, I wanted to play the role of Catherine. All the kids had a great time and we hid our sadness from them well. But we are still struggling with the events of the evening. We weren't the most fun people to be around. At one point I told my mother that I just didn't want to talk about it. That grief personality was taking over and I knew that by talking about, it was going to win.

The battle was real tonight. Finding a balance between remembering Catherine, not succumbing to the grief, and making sure the night was fun for the boys was a struggle. I'm not sure how are to face the rest of the holidays as they come. But we survived the first one. 

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