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Pushing Through

Today was the day that we were to drive to Memphis to take Catherine's sister the custom charm we had made with her ashes in it. That isn't something you send in the mail. Plus I love a visit with Britt and we were looking forward to the trip. A trip to Ikea while Britt worked her job and then meeting up with her after work for a visit and a meal. You always have to feed a "starving" college student!

The morning started off early and we were on the road by 7:30am. All was well until I saw that an article had been posted by the local news about the bullying epidemic in our town. My stomach was in knots. I read the article and was horrified to see that they claimed that this bullying epidemic had caused a suicide epidemic. The video of the interview was worse. They claimed that two students had died due to suicide this school year at our local high school. Only two students have died which means they falsely claimed my daughter had committed suicide. I was furious. The only sources used were from the words of other parents. No fact checking. Completely irresponsible reporting. My blood was boiling. How dare they report on something with zero fact checking?! How can they claim my daughter committed suicide when we, the parents, don't even know a cause of death? Calls were made to certain family members to assure them that Catherine did not in fact commit suicide and that it was false reporting. What the local news did was so irresponsible. Their story affected our entire family. Her siblings go to school here. It is a small town. An email was finally sent to the reporter but as of tonight I haven't heard anything. What the parents did in claiming my daughter committed suicide and the news repeating it, is no different than the bullying they claim is an epidemic. There will be more on this topic and how it is affecting our family but tonight is not the night. I'm too mad and raw right now. While I am very honest and transparent on this blog, you don't want to see me THAT honest and transparent. Just know that the actions of these other parents have caused our family a lot of pain.

With that damper on our day, we headed west to Memphis. The mood in the car was heavy. This was our first trip to Ikea without Catherine. It was our thing. We loved going and always had the best time. When we arrived at the Memphis Ikea, we were surprised at how different it was than the one in Atlanta. For two people that are easily overwhelmed, this one seemed smaller and not as confusing. We headed in and started our shopping. Things like silverware and plates are great for our family of now boys that are growing and find that that breaking things and losing silverware is a daily occurrence. We mainly just looked and had a few laughs and made plans for the future of our house. Josh found the candy aisle and lost his mind over the gummy selection.


When we got to the kitchen ware department, the anxiety and sadness hit me all at once. I was on the verge of a panic attack and the sadness was so overwhelming, I thought I wasn't going to make it. She should have been there today. She would have talked me into an apron (which I love) and made fun of the choices Josh was making and we would have talked about the furniture for her future dorm room. It was another moment that came on hard and fast that I was realizing all over again just how gone she is from our lives. Add the damage from the media and local parents and it was too much. I knew I needed a xanax fast but didn't have a drink. The panic got worse. I realized the music was playing could have come straight from Catherine's Spotify playlist. Mumford and Sons "I Will Wait" was playing overhead. I couldn't breathe. Thanks to the golf tournament a few weeks ago, there was an airplane bottle of fireball in my purse. I took the xanax with the fireball and took a deep breath. Wise choice? Probably not. But desperate times call for desperate measures. My heart was breaking. Sometimes I think that Catherine is messing with me because she is unhappy and other times I think she sends me signs because she approves of what I am doing. As the room stopped closing in on me and my heart stopped pounding, I heard the Andy Grammer song "Keep Your Head Up" and got upset again. We loved Pitch Perfect and if Catherine was there, we would have been dancing and acting out the scene from the movie. I looked at Josh and said that Catherine must hate me for being in Ikea without her and she was letting her displeasure be known by all the damn song choices. My sweet husband and biggest source of comfort, pulled me into a hug and told me to listen to the song. Maybe it was her sending me a sign that it was okay. I listened to the lyrics:

I know its hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up,
And you can let your hair down

Okay, so maybe she was fine with me being there. Depression and anxiety are so overwhelming and debilitating at times. It causes you to be so irrational. Remember, the part of your body that is supposed to be rational and make decisions isn't doing so well. We continued through IKEA and as we were leaving the song "Best Day of My Life" by American Authors started playing. That child of mine is everywhere. I swear she sends me messages when I need them the most.

We headed out and went to meet Britt. Oh my that little girl is no longer little. I met her when she was 3 years old and she turned 20 this week! She is in college with her cute apartment and big girl job. I'm amazed at how she is adulting and seeing her was so special. I love that child and she is the best big sister a sibling could ever want. I met my "Grandcat" Roscoe and toured her darling apartment. In an emotional moment, I gave her the charm with some of her sister's ashes in it and reunited two sisters. It was a tearful moment and she did exactly as I did the first time I put mine on. She held it and kissed it. Having my girl next to my heart gives me some type of peace and I hope it does the same for Britt. We headed to dinner at a cute Mexican place (totally Catherine approved) and had a nice meal. We even got the BIG bowl of cheese dip. Lots of conversation was had, some with tears, some with laughter. While I am grieving the loss of my daughter, I am reminded that people are grieving the loss of their sister, niece, granddaughter, and best friend. I don't know what it is like to lose those people. I only know the pain of losing a child. I try to put myself in their shoes but I can't. However, the one common thread is that we are all missing the same person. We are all missing that laugh and big brown eyes and witty sense of humor. I hated ending our dinner but on our way back to Britt's apartment, we stopped and got a PSL from Starbucks for Catherine.




The day started out rough but it was the love of friends and family that got us through. That love helped push us through. Having a bonus child is such a blessing and Britt brings me more joy than she knows. I love her dearly and I know Catherine loved her even more than I do. The long drive home was spent talking about more DIY projects to occupy our time. That visit to Ikea was tough. But it was so worth it. We pushed through and in the end, two sisters were reunited.

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