One of Catherine's favorite songs was "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson. I printed off the music for the piano and I learned to play it and then she would sing. Her voice always amazed me. At some point she taught herself the piano part and recorded herself singing and playing that lovely song. I didn't find the video until after she died. I've watched it numerous times.
Since her death, things that used to bring me joy, don't bring me joy anymore. I'm not able to read for pleasure. Music is a hard one too. For those of you that don't know, I play the piano and flute. We played together a lot. Catherine and I bonded over music. We shared our favorite songs. Listening to the radio is scary because I'm fearful that one of our songs will play. So I listen to NPR instead. When the detective questioned us about Catherine that morning, he did it in the dining room while I was surrounded by all my sewing stuff. So now the idea of sewing brings me dread. I have bad memories associated with sewing. None of my favorite things bring me joy. It is awful.
Last night I had a dream about Catherine. I remember it quite vividly. I asked her why she left me and told her I was so sad. She said that she didn't know but that she was sad too. I hugged her and told her I loved her. When I woke up, I was sad. My child told me she was sad and I can't do anything about it. That dream wrecked me all day. I was so sad all day. The anxiety ate at me all day.
When I got home from work tonight, the baby wanted to play Max's drums. He kept telling me to play with him. So I did. And then he moved to the piano and told me to play. I told him no and he continued to insist that I play. So I sat down at the piano and started tinkering. And then I played "The Chain." And then I played it again. And again. And then I started singing. And then I started singing at the top of my lungs. It wasn't anywhere close to the caliber that Catherine sang but it felt good. The baby started singing with me. We sang it twice. It brought joy. The thing that I thought would never bring me joy, brought me an incredible amount of joy. My mood lifted incredibly. I felt like she was with me.
So I'm working to find more things that bring me joy. I will continue to work on my chairs. I have a book waiting for me that I haven't read yet. There is a stack of fabric that is waiting to be sewn up into something beautiful. Maybe I will turn the radio on and listen to music in the car. It won't be tomorrow or it may not even be next week. It is a one day at a time thing. I cleared a huge hurdle today. I found joy in something that belonged to me and Catherine.
I'm ending this post tonight with a video of Catherine singing "The Chain" for those of you that haven't seen it. I hope it brings you the joy it brings me.
Since her death, things that used to bring me joy, don't bring me joy anymore. I'm not able to read for pleasure. Music is a hard one too. For those of you that don't know, I play the piano and flute. We played together a lot. Catherine and I bonded over music. We shared our favorite songs. Listening to the radio is scary because I'm fearful that one of our songs will play. So I listen to NPR instead. When the detective questioned us about Catherine that morning, he did it in the dining room while I was surrounded by all my sewing stuff. So now the idea of sewing brings me dread. I have bad memories associated with sewing. None of my favorite things bring me joy. It is awful.
Last night I had a dream about Catherine. I remember it quite vividly. I asked her why she left me and told her I was so sad. She said that she didn't know but that she was sad too. I hugged her and told her I loved her. When I woke up, I was sad. My child told me she was sad and I can't do anything about it. That dream wrecked me all day. I was so sad all day. The anxiety ate at me all day.
When I got home from work tonight, the baby wanted to play Max's drums. He kept telling me to play with him. So I did. And then he moved to the piano and told me to play. I told him no and he continued to insist that I play. So I sat down at the piano and started tinkering. And then I played "The Chain." And then I played it again. And again. And then I started singing. And then I started singing at the top of my lungs. It wasn't anywhere close to the caliber that Catherine sang but it felt good. The baby started singing with me. We sang it twice. It brought joy. The thing that I thought would never bring me joy, brought me an incredible amount of joy. My mood lifted incredibly. I felt like she was with me.
So I'm working to find more things that bring me joy. I will continue to work on my chairs. I have a book waiting for me that I haven't read yet. There is a stack of fabric that is waiting to be sewn up into something beautiful. Maybe I will turn the radio on and listen to music in the car. It won't be tomorrow or it may not even be next week. It is a one day at a time thing. I cleared a huge hurdle today. I found joy in something that belonged to me and Catherine.
I'm ending this post tonight with a video of Catherine singing "The Chain" for those of you that haven't seen it. I hope it brings you the joy it brings me.
Her voice is so angelic. I am looking forward to hearing it in person in Heaven. As a mom who lost a child, my heart reaches out to you in love and connection. Everyone's journey through the darkness of grief is so different yet I can identify with so much that you express. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Love you, cousin! Big hug from 2500 miles away.
ReplyDeleteOh my heart! Not a day has passed where I've not ached over this precious girl leaving so soon. I am so grateful you shared this tonight. It warmed my heart to envision Henry forcing your hand to play. ❤
ReplyDeleteI'll have to watch later when I can be alone but I'm looking forward to it. Love that you found joy with your baby singing and playing the piano. Maybe sewing him a new soft toy or a pair of pajama pants will help push you past the negative associations with your sewing. Hugs.
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