Let me start by saying that I'm angry and I've thought about this post for some time. The issue has come up quite a bit the last week. A sweet soul left this earth and suddenly the parents of Wilson County decided to address the issue of bullying. They wanted to use my daughter's death as an example as well. The problem with that? My daughter didn't end her life because of bullying. She didn't even end her life. What the parents of this fine county did was exactly the thing they have been rallying against all week. To claim the cause of death of my daughter was suicide was a form of bullying. Especially since her parents don't even know the cause of death. Imagine waiting on that phone call and seeing everyone running with misinformation while you are still coming to terms with your child's death and knowing that eventual phone call with the cause of death is coming. Did you know it takes 8-14 weeks to get back a cause of death? We are 6 weeks into this and still have just as many answers as we did on August 30th.
There is no absolute definition of bullying. The internet gives many different descriptions but the common theme is that bullying is divided into four basic groups. They include physical, verbal, emotional, and cyber. It can be hitting, calling names, or spreading rumors. Long gone are the days of being shoved into lockers or being punched during recess. There is a new tool out there. It is scary and uncontrollable with little oversight. The internet has become a useful tool but it is a dangerous one as well.
The big question I think we need to ask is why bullying affects some children while it has no affect on others. Most of us can claim that we have been bullied at some point or another in our lifetime. I was super duper short and was teased and bullied quite a bit growing up. The summer between 8th grade and 9th grade, I hit puberty and grew a few inches. I just knew that starting high school was going to be easier because I was no longer the short, fat girl with zero curves. Instead I became a giant bulls eye for bullying. The stuff that was said to me was pretty bad for a 14 year old but as I've gotten older, I realized that it was really nothing that scarred me long term. I always joke that I am so glad we didn't have the internet when I was growing up. My friends agree with me on this one as well. But what if we did? What if those awful things that I heard while at school never stopped? I had the luxury of leaving school and going home to my safe space where the bullying ended. Now, it is always there. There is no escape. But why do some kids survive it while others don't? I truly believe it is a mental health issue. Bully's tend to pick on the weak. Imagine already having some level of depression and sadness and then having someone come at you 24/7 with awful words. Snapchat is the worst offender. It is untraceable at times and it seems to be a favorite tool of bullies these days. When my daughter ended her relationship with a boy, he took to snapchat to put one ugly thing after another out there. He never used her name and there was nothing we could do. No proof. To make matters worse, his mother got in on the action a bit. Those conversations between mother and son about my daughter were then shared with the rest of the world. She saw them. She saw the comments. I saw the comments. Some of them were just downright cruel. Those people heaped insult after insult on my daughter and used all of her insecurities against her. What if a child that is already sad opens their snapchat and have message after message telling them all their worst fears and insecurities? Reading words like "Kill yourself" or "You are garbage" or "The world is better without you" or "You fat cow" or "You are a whore" could wear on a well person but what about someone already suffering from depression? Message after message, all those words coming at you. It can all be too much.
What role models do our children have when it comes to bullying? The same moms that were rallying against bullying were using the internet to spread misinformation about my daughter and her cause of death. I can tell you that it took a toll on me. I will admit that I am suffering from some pretty extreme depression. Most days I feel like I am treading water. Some days I go under but come back up sputtering for air. All that misinformation made it to the news. So then my family and friends had to see that misinformation. I looked at my husband on Saturday and told him that I can see why people with severe depression finally just give up. There is no escape from the pain and sadness. It messes with every part of your body. I'm just so sad and some days it feels like every muscle in my body hurts. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. But I am medicated and in therapy and there are days that I want to quit treading water and just go under for a bit. I'm a grown woman and the bullying on the local pages was almost too much to handle. It broke me a little more. My daughter is not the poster child for your latest mission to get 15 minutes of fame. That is bullying. Parents bullied me and my family with their spreading of misinformation. Instead of being left to grieve about the loss of our child, we were instead filled with dread and anxiety and sadness while trying to defend our daughter's life and death. What about the teenager that is full of BIG feelings and emotions and hormones that are fighting depression? What if they don't know it is depression? They are hammered with this crap EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I'm keeping my head above water but how many kids are just going under and not coming back up?
Words hurt. We the parents/adults should be setting the example but instead we are the antithesis of what we are preaching. Remember when a grieving mother went on Nancy Grace and she bullied that mother to the point that she committed suicide? What about our president? He is the epitome of a 5th grade bully. What about the parents? YOUR children saw what you were putting on the internet and they think that spreading misinformation is okay. But what about the kid that is already struggling and is finally pushed over the edge? Those same parents almost pushed a mother with depression, that is getting all the help possible, over the edge. Those parents called me a liar and said I was hiding something or that I was ashamed that my daughter took her own life. Again, WE the parents don't even have a cause of death. What the hell are we hiding?! YOUR children are pushing the kids that are struggling with something over the edge. It gives leading by example a whole lot of meaning.
We can start the conversation at home and be honest with our children about bullying but what are the consequences? Tennessee is one of the few states that doesn't have a law against cyber bullying. If you want to make a change, call your state representative. Make a change. Zip your lips against gossip and teach your children the same. But also remember that mental health needs to be an issue that is addressed as well. Remember, your brain, the part that is supposed to be making all your decisions, is sick. And unless we start addressing mental health in conjunction with bullying, nothing is going to change. Sure, let's teach our school administrators how to look for the signs. But we as parents should look for the signs too. We always joked that there are two types of people; those that are in therapy and those that need to be in therapy.
The issue of bullying is an age old issue and one that likely isn't going to go away anytime soon. We can blame the administration of schools, we can blame taking prayer out of school, we can blame the mean kids, we can blame the internet and media, or we can take a long hard look in the mirror and realize that this all starts at home.
There is no absolute definition of bullying. The internet gives many different descriptions but the common theme is that bullying is divided into four basic groups. They include physical, verbal, emotional, and cyber. It can be hitting, calling names, or spreading rumors. Long gone are the days of being shoved into lockers or being punched during recess. There is a new tool out there. It is scary and uncontrollable with little oversight. The internet has become a useful tool but it is a dangerous one as well.
The big question I think we need to ask is why bullying affects some children while it has no affect on others. Most of us can claim that we have been bullied at some point or another in our lifetime. I was super duper short and was teased and bullied quite a bit growing up. The summer between 8th grade and 9th grade, I hit puberty and grew a few inches. I just knew that starting high school was going to be easier because I was no longer the short, fat girl with zero curves. Instead I became a giant bulls eye for bullying. The stuff that was said to me was pretty bad for a 14 year old but as I've gotten older, I realized that it was really nothing that scarred me long term. I always joke that I am so glad we didn't have the internet when I was growing up. My friends agree with me on this one as well. But what if we did? What if those awful things that I heard while at school never stopped? I had the luxury of leaving school and going home to my safe space where the bullying ended. Now, it is always there. There is no escape. But why do some kids survive it while others don't? I truly believe it is a mental health issue. Bully's tend to pick on the weak. Imagine already having some level of depression and sadness and then having someone come at you 24/7 with awful words. Snapchat is the worst offender. It is untraceable at times and it seems to be a favorite tool of bullies these days. When my daughter ended her relationship with a boy, he took to snapchat to put one ugly thing after another out there. He never used her name and there was nothing we could do. No proof. To make matters worse, his mother got in on the action a bit. Those conversations between mother and son about my daughter were then shared with the rest of the world. She saw them. She saw the comments. I saw the comments. Some of them were just downright cruel. Those people heaped insult after insult on my daughter and used all of her insecurities against her. What if a child that is already sad opens their snapchat and have message after message telling them all their worst fears and insecurities? Reading words like "Kill yourself" or "You are garbage" or "The world is better without you" or "You fat cow" or "You are a whore" could wear on a well person but what about someone already suffering from depression? Message after message, all those words coming at you. It can all be too much.
What role models do our children have when it comes to bullying? The same moms that were rallying against bullying were using the internet to spread misinformation about my daughter and her cause of death. I can tell you that it took a toll on me. I will admit that I am suffering from some pretty extreme depression. Most days I feel like I am treading water. Some days I go under but come back up sputtering for air. All that misinformation made it to the news. So then my family and friends had to see that misinformation. I looked at my husband on Saturday and told him that I can see why people with severe depression finally just give up. There is no escape from the pain and sadness. It messes with every part of your body. I'm just so sad and some days it feels like every muscle in my body hurts. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. But I am medicated and in therapy and there are days that I want to quit treading water and just go under for a bit. I'm a grown woman and the bullying on the local pages was almost too much to handle. It broke me a little more. My daughter is not the poster child for your latest mission to get 15 minutes of fame. That is bullying. Parents bullied me and my family with their spreading of misinformation. Instead of being left to grieve about the loss of our child, we were instead filled with dread and anxiety and sadness while trying to defend our daughter's life and death. What about the teenager that is full of BIG feelings and emotions and hormones that are fighting depression? What if they don't know it is depression? They are hammered with this crap EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I'm keeping my head above water but how many kids are just going under and not coming back up?
Words hurt. We the parents/adults should be setting the example but instead we are the antithesis of what we are preaching. Remember when a grieving mother went on Nancy Grace and she bullied that mother to the point that she committed suicide? What about our president? He is the epitome of a 5th grade bully. What about the parents? YOUR children saw what you were putting on the internet and they think that spreading misinformation is okay. But what about the kid that is already struggling and is finally pushed over the edge? Those same parents almost pushed a mother with depression, that is getting all the help possible, over the edge. Those parents called me a liar and said I was hiding something or that I was ashamed that my daughter took her own life. Again, WE the parents don't even have a cause of death. What the hell are we hiding?! YOUR children are pushing the kids that are struggling with something over the edge. It gives leading by example a whole lot of meaning.
We can start the conversation at home and be honest with our children about bullying but what are the consequences? Tennessee is one of the few states that doesn't have a law against cyber bullying. If you want to make a change, call your state representative. Make a change. Zip your lips against gossip and teach your children the same. But also remember that mental health needs to be an issue that is addressed as well. Remember, your brain, the part that is supposed to be making all your decisions, is sick. And unless we start addressing mental health in conjunction with bullying, nothing is going to change. Sure, let's teach our school administrators how to look for the signs. But we as parents should look for the signs too. We always joked that there are two types of people; those that are in therapy and those that need to be in therapy.
The issue of bullying is an age old issue and one that likely isn't going to go away anytime soon. We can blame the administration of schools, we can blame taking prayer out of school, we can blame the mean kids, we can blame the internet and media, or we can take a long hard look in the mirror and realize that this all starts at home.
You are an incredible inspiration for all bereaved parents. I'm so sorry and I admire your strength. I've followed your cousin, Rachel, for years and infrequently comment on her blog. You are so lucky to have one another within your own family. From one bereaved mama to another-I GET IT!! Why is there shame attached to our losses? Why must others "know" what caused us to become members of the worst club on earth? I think it is to satisfy themselves that as long as they KNOW what happened to our sweet babies, they can prevent it from happening to their own?... Good luck with that, eh? The cause of our sweet babies passing is one detail we GET to decide who to share with! Shame on anyone making assumptions about something so personal and hurtful. You are SO right-kindness and empathy BEGIN at home!
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry for the pain you and your family are and will forever have to endure. You have every right to be angry. Everyone grieves in their own way and time frame and that is something one has a right to interfere with.
ReplyDeleteI do want to say that if you think that my family has disrespected your daughter or your family I am very sorry. I have not referred to your daughters death with the exception of stating/correcting someone in our group meeting on Tuesday that no one knew the cause of your daughters death and that her parents didn't even know.
My dad was unsuccessful at suicide on my 15th birthday. Just as his father did, he took his own leaving me and the rest of those that loved him in more pain than I coukd have ever imagined. I truly wanted to die. After several of failed attempts ti follow kn my dads footsteps I came to terms that I needed to end the cycle that plagued us instead of ending my life so I mase it my lifes mission to educate myself about suicide and depression.
Decades later my cousin who I was very close with for most of my life found himself in the same dark tunnel that his uncle and grand father was lost in and took his last action by pulling a trigger which ended his life and put a huge hole in mine.
I share this with you so that you will understand that when my grand daughter attempted suicide because she would rather die than to face another day living with the abuse that her bully was obsessed in dishing out I in NO WAY wanted 15 minutes of fame as you so put it. I was scared. I'm still scared. The ine thing about life that really sucks is webhave no control over ones actions. It is no ones responsibility for someones decission to commit suicide HOWEVER if I know someone is in that state of mind and I don't do anything and everythung I can to prevent it then I am responsible for not helpinv intervene. I will do what ever it takes to keep my grand daughter alive.
CJ went though a program at Vanderbilt. She is receiving treatment and medication. We are totally transparent and when she made the choice to go public with her story and face her attacker publicly we stood behind her. We still do. When she realized that she isn't alone and others feel the same way she thought she may could help someone.
I'm so sorry you feel that we have included your daughter into CJs crusade for justice against a school system that has so far failed her but we have not. If someone else has I'm sorry but that has never been our plan or our action.
I do know that your daughters death did hurt CJ very badly. She had already attempted suicide and was in the waiting stages of receiving treatment. When I went to pick her. Up to take her to the doctor I found out that she had recieved the news of your daughter. She was in the basement of her dads house on her hands and knees sobbing. She was already in a fragile state mentally and I was extremely worried for her. She loved your daughter and would never do anything to disrespect her life or death nor would she allow any one around her to. I'm sorry you thought we would.
With all the pain I have suffered with my dads death I thought there was not worse pain. I realized when I woke up to my grandson dead in my home that I was so wrong. The pain if that was truly to much to bare. Watching Alicia bury her child and CJ not understanding why Bubba couldn't come home was the worse pain I have ever had to endure. I couldn't imagine your pain. I have never had to bury my child. I hope and beg God every day I never have to. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and again I'm sorry if we have done anything to increase your pain.
Tina O'Connell
Tina,
DeleteWhile I appreciate your comment, in now way did I name anyone. The parents of this county started their rumor mill on the local FB pages and kept insisting that my child committed suicide. They news reported on an epidemic of suicide and bullying. I get the bullying issue and no one has faulted you for going public with CJ's story. I have issue with the media continuously referring to my death as a suicide based on "parent sources" which are the same people on the FB pages spreading such terrible rumors. It is not your fault or the fault of any one person. It is the fault of the numerous voices that despite being corrected, continue to spread false information about my daughter's death. What they are doing is the same thing that we as parents, are rallying against. At the end of the day, we want to be left to grieve the death of our daughter. At this point, who cares how she died, she isn't here anymore and nothing will bring her back. But I can assure you, she did not die as a result of bullying and she is not the poster child for the latest project of the parents of Wilson County.