The Painful Days

I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. And I knew why. Fall festival day. The morning started out normal enough. I took Max and Charlie to their piano lessons and the baby came with us. After I dropped them off, Henry and I headed to Hobby Lobby to walk around.

Lord knows that after having this many kids, I would have remembered what the terrible two's are all about. Henry was in rare form today. Argumentative, manipulative, and all around grouchy. We decided to make a floral arrangement for the house. Something that was cheerful with eucalyptus. My Aunt Susan always had it in her house and the smell was one that Catherine and I loved. Through the last 2 months I've decided that I love the look of flowers in the house but they become overwhelming over time. The shed their petals and need water and when you are barely struggling to get out of bed, your flowers are doomed to a rotten death. So a nice fake floral arrangement seemed like a good idea. I'm not very good at that kind of stuff but I let Catherine guide me and some beautiful choices were made. Throughout it all, the baby was a hot mess. The terrible two's suck but add in a kid that knows that something is different, is sad, and can't articulate why they are sad and it adds up to a pretty crabby kid. We finally left the store and headed to get the boys.

Lunch with Melissa and Stacey was fun and Burger Republic has the best "boozy shakes"

After we got home, everyone ate, I made my floral arrangement (which I think turned out pretty nicely), and I started getting ready to go to lunch with some dear friends. As I was getting ready, my sweet Fiona came inside covered in something black and sticky. So a bath was given which totally added to the chaos. But I was busy. And it was nice. Lunch was a blast and I was gifted two beautiful and incredibly special items. I'm so blessed with the people in my life that are still hanging around despite the fact that I'm sad and not always fun to be around. When I got home, it was time to start getting kids ready for fall festivals.

Henry finally understands the purpose of Halloween! Dressing up and getting candy.

The bright spot in my day was when I got to help two sweet preteens get ready. My bathroom was filled to the brim! We did makeup and hair and accessories. I got to help a Minnie Mouse with eyeliner and got to help one of my favorite girls get transformed into an 80's pop star. I felt useful. It was fun to giggle with them and just have some femininity in the house. It so reminded me of years past with Catherine. My girl had the world's longest eyelashes and I was always so envious. Hannah has the same long lashes and it was a familiar feeling helping with mascara and being envious of her gorgeous eyes.

At the last minute, I decided to change my outfit and wrap in Catherine's favorite blanket scarf. I'm not sure how she made it always look so damn good but I made it work. If she wasn't going with us tonight, something of hers was. And it smelled like her. Oh God it smelled like her. It was comforting while being incredibly painful and sad. We headed to the car show on the square to trunk or treat. This is a favorite of the boys. It is where my most favorite picture was taken with Catherine. My neighbor and very dear friend came along which turned into a blessing.

Hughes, Max, Henry, Will, Charlie, Hannah, and Mary

Not sure how she made this blanket scarf look so good but it smelled just like her and kept me very warm!

We were walking along, getting candy, and looking at old cars when Josh and the boys veered off to look at something else. My first instinct was to look for Catherine. We always hung out while the boys looked at cars and got candy. Between the smell of her scarf and knowing she wasn't there, I fell apart. It was an accident. Josh was retrieved, Kristy (or Kiki as Henry calls her) whisked Henry away, and I melted down in my husbands arms. It was another moment that was just too real. And the pain didn't subside. I'm writing this, hours later, with an incredibly broken heart and an overwhelming pain. This wasn't just the weekend of Halloween. This was also the first Saturday she would have been home because contest season is over for band. She would have been relaxed and focused on the family, relieved that the season was over. In case you don't know, band is quite grueling. We headed to another fall festival and I ran into band kids. Some of Catherine's favorite band mates. I congratulated them on making finals at MCI last weekend. One of them said they wished Catherine could have been there. I assured them that she was there. The pain grew heavier.

Our customary selfie, but right after my little meltdown

My sweet Max

When we got home tonight, I was near tears again. I miss her so damn much. This is not fair. And it hurts. I have said more than once that I truly understand why Debbie Reynolds died right after Carrie Fischer. She died of a broken heart. It makes sense. The other part of that is sometimes the pain and grief is so overwhelming and painful that you wonder how in the hell you are supposed to live like this forever. There is no escape. You can stay busy and pray and focus on things that make you happy but the pain is always there. I told my doctor a couple weeks ago that if this is how I am going to feel, and she finished with "Then what is the point of living." My medications were changed that day. I have plenty to live for and will keep going until one day it seems easier. But right now, I just want my daughter back and I want the pain to ease just a little.