I have a million different things I want to share tonight. I do want to thank all of you that took the time to reach out the media in regards to the repeat false reporting on my daughter's death. I can assure you that the school system and the Lebanon Police Department have been in constant contact with me and they are just as angry and frustrated as I am over this issue. The LPD has assured me that they do not comment on the death of a minor and are trying to find out why the news would quote them as reporting that information. The media will do anything they can to get any salacious detail possible. They are irresponsible and have no idea the harm they are causing my family.
But on to tonight's post. The boys had piano lessons this morning and I took them for the first time since Catherine died. It was difficult. The four of us would go and sing songs and listen to all the music that Josh hated. Catherine would take her flute lesson first and then while the boys were in their lesson, we would go to Hobby Lobby or get a coffee or just chat. So I took the boys this morning and dropped them off for their lesson and headed to Hobby Lobby. It is right down the road from their lesson and I enjoy going up and down the aisles. It was the first time I had gone there since Catherine's death. I love craft stores but this one was difficult.
For those of you that are familiar with Hobby Lobby, it is a Christian based business. They play hymns while you shop and 70% of their merchandise is home decor with scriptures on it. When you are not having a great relationship with God, this isn't a great place to be. Every single thing I saw with a scripture on it, made me mad. I don't feel blessed and I don't feel like God is doing me no harm and I am certainly not praising his name right now. I've never been a religious person. More spiritual than anything but my relationship with God was there and I like to think it was strong. The amount of people that have told me I'm blessed or that God has a plan has made me want to turn my back on God and be done. How am I blessed? What is his plan? Because losing my only daughter is not a blessing and it certainly wasn't a great plan. God and I still chat and I know he is there. It is comforting to know that he is powerful and strong and can handle my anger. He will be waiting when I come back but for now, we have a dicey relationship.
While in Hobby Lobby, surrounded by scripture that was making me anxious and angry, I found the candle section. A few weeks ago I had joked with Josh that you could always smell Catherine before you heard or saw her coming down the stairs. Oh how I miss that smell. I'm not even sure what it was that she wore. It was a combo of hair products and lotion and makeup and body spray. My house smells like a giant frat house these days and I told Josh I would give anything to smell her coming down the stairs again. So while in the store today, I was smelling all the home fragrance spray. All of them were gross and overpowering. Until I came to the last one on the shelf. I smelled it, closed the bottle, and closed my eyes. And then I opened the bottle again and smelled. It brought tears to my eyes. It smelled just like my Catherine. It was grapefruit and rose. The bottle of spray came home with me. On the way to pick up the boys from their lesson, God and I had a little chat. Because in the middle of this store playing hymns and selling nothing but wall decor with scripture, I found my daughter's scent. I'm considering this a "God Wink." He's letting me know that he is still there, despite my anger and resentment.
Once home, we started working on redoing our dining room table and chairs. There was a ZERO percent chance of rain today. Perfect day, right? Wrong. The dark clouds started rolling in about the time I got the last coat of paint on the chairs. As I was trying to sand the rest of the table top (Josh had run to Lowe's for more paint) my dear friend Katherine (the Gayle to my Oprah, or vice versa) showed up and we scrambled to put chairs in the shed and cover the table with a canopy as we watched the dark clouds come in faster. Josh even called to say it was raining at Lowes. I looked up at the sky and said "Are you serious Catherine, zero percent chance of rain?!" We finished putting everything up and under cover and the sky cleared. I could hear her laughing at us and yelling "yeet" as the sun came back out. My teenager daughter is still messing with me.
God's grace is huge and generous. My favorite scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I saw that one a lot at Hobby Lobby today. I don't feel like it is very accurate in my life right now but I have to believe it is true. I'm not sure where my faith is these days but I welcome the gifts I'm given. And my house smells like Catherine once again.
But on to tonight's post. The boys had piano lessons this morning and I took them for the first time since Catherine died. It was difficult. The four of us would go and sing songs and listen to all the music that Josh hated. Catherine would take her flute lesson first and then while the boys were in their lesson, we would go to Hobby Lobby or get a coffee or just chat. So I took the boys this morning and dropped them off for their lesson and headed to Hobby Lobby. It is right down the road from their lesson and I enjoy going up and down the aisles. It was the first time I had gone there since Catherine's death. I love craft stores but this one was difficult.
For those of you that are familiar with Hobby Lobby, it is a Christian based business. They play hymns while you shop and 70% of their merchandise is home decor with scriptures on it. When you are not having a great relationship with God, this isn't a great place to be. Every single thing I saw with a scripture on it, made me mad. I don't feel blessed and I don't feel like God is doing me no harm and I am certainly not praising his name right now. I've never been a religious person. More spiritual than anything but my relationship with God was there and I like to think it was strong. The amount of people that have told me I'm blessed or that God has a plan has made me want to turn my back on God and be done. How am I blessed? What is his plan? Because losing my only daughter is not a blessing and it certainly wasn't a great plan. God and I still chat and I know he is there. It is comforting to know that he is powerful and strong and can handle my anger. He will be waiting when I come back but for now, we have a dicey relationship.
While in Hobby Lobby, surrounded by scripture that was making me anxious and angry, I found the candle section. A few weeks ago I had joked with Josh that you could always smell Catherine before you heard or saw her coming down the stairs. Oh how I miss that smell. I'm not even sure what it was that she wore. It was a combo of hair products and lotion and makeup and body spray. My house smells like a giant frat house these days and I told Josh I would give anything to smell her coming down the stairs again. So while in the store today, I was smelling all the home fragrance spray. All of them were gross and overpowering. Until I came to the last one on the shelf. I smelled it, closed the bottle, and closed my eyes. And then I opened the bottle again and smelled. It brought tears to my eyes. It smelled just like my Catherine. It was grapefruit and rose. The bottle of spray came home with me. On the way to pick up the boys from their lesson, God and I had a little chat. Because in the middle of this store playing hymns and selling nothing but wall decor with scripture, I found my daughter's scent. I'm considering this a "God Wink." He's letting me know that he is still there, despite my anger and resentment.
Once home, we started working on redoing our dining room table and chairs. There was a ZERO percent chance of rain today. Perfect day, right? Wrong. The dark clouds started rolling in about the time I got the last coat of paint on the chairs. As I was trying to sand the rest of the table top (Josh had run to Lowe's for more paint) my dear friend Katherine (the Gayle to my Oprah, or vice versa) showed up and we scrambled to put chairs in the shed and cover the table with a canopy as we watched the dark clouds come in faster. Josh even called to say it was raining at Lowes. I looked up at the sky and said "Are you serious Catherine, zero percent chance of rain?!" We finished putting everything up and under cover and the sky cleared. I could hear her laughing at us and yelling "yeet" as the sun came back out. My teenager daughter is still messing with me.
God's grace is huge and generous. My favorite scripture has always been Jeremiah 29:11; "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I saw that one a lot at Hobby Lobby today. I don't feel like it is very accurate in my life right now but I have to believe it is true. I'm not sure where my faith is these days but I welcome the gifts I'm given. And my house smells like Catherine once again.
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