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The Trouble with Anxiety

I woke up this morning and felt great. After a meeting last night, I felt like I have found my purpose and was looking forward to the future plans that were laid out at the meeting. I was almost too happy. And then without warning, the anxiety hit. I wasn't sure why either. It came on all at once and got worse throughout the day.

The trouble with anxiety is that it comes and hits you out of nowhere. There is medication and you can try to breathe through it but if you don't know the cause, you can't prevent it from happening. The more the day went on, the worse that feeling in my chest got and it was almost to a point of unbearable. Then I got a phone call from the school. It was the nurse calling about Charlie. She also used to be the nurse when Catherine was little, so she knows the family. She called and immediately told me that Charlie was fine but that he fell in gym class and split his pants wide open. He was mortified and needed more pants. So I left work with the intention of just picking him up and finishing my work day at the dining room table. As I drove to the school, the anxiety kept creeping in and nothing was easing it up. When I got to the school and saw my sweet Charlie with his sheepish grin, the anxiety went away. I hugged him, explained that it wasn't the end of the world, and decided to take him to Children's Place to get new jeans. Just me and him. We had a good time and it wasn't until I was headed home that the anxiety crept back into my chest again.

When we got home, I started working and as it does sometimes, my mind started wandering. And suddenly it dawned on me why I had such a high level of panic. Throughout the day, people asked if we had plans this weekend. We talked about the Fall Festivals we were going to attend. It hit me, we were facing a first. Our first Halloween weekend without Catherine. No, she didn't dress up anymore but we had the best time at Halloween and the weekend before. She would push Henry around in the stroller and refer to me as "Grandma" and then laugh that contagious laugh. We took goofy pictures together. In fact one of my favorite photos was taken last year with her. She would pass out candy and hang out with my mom on Halloween and try to steal the boys candy. Catherine loved to see the little kids coming up in their costumes. She was always partial to toddlers and little girls dressed like a princess.

Here we are facing our first Halloween without her. The anxiety hit because somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew she wouldn't be there. No pictures with her this year. No funny comments from her this year. No teasing or making fun or people watching this year. I won't get to hear her wonderfully obnoxious laugh. Or see her face light up when Henry reached for her. I'm trying to focus on the boys and the fun we will have but it is obvious she is gone. And the panic is still there.

The part that adds to the anxiety is that we still have to go through Thanksgiving and then Christmas and then ring in a new year. We will have to face Valentine's Day and Easter and her birthday. All of which she will be absent. The pain is pretty intense tonight. I went up to her room to get her plant stand and her smell was overwhelming the moment I opened the door. In an effort to escape the anxiety and pain, I redecorated her box for fall and Thanksgiving. She would have loved it. I just miss her so much. Today the waves are crashing over me, one right after the other and I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. Tomorrow may be better but I doubt it. We will have to face the beginning of our first holiday without her.

But life goes on. The sun still rises, we grow another day older, and we have to move forward. So while we will be silently grieving Catherine's absence tomorrow, we will focus on the boys and making it a fun day. Our first Thanksgiving without her will likely be spent making a new memory. Christmas will be difficult but we will decorate and focus on the boys and each other. It is hard to imagine these coming days and weeks. And that is the trouble with anxiety. It is always lurking around the corner. Ready to pounce when you least expect it.

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