Walking the Tightrope

Sometimes the best way to describe my grief is that I'm walking a tightrope. There are times when I am walking easily on that tightrope, smile on my face. Then there are times that I wobble a bit but I'm still balancing. And then from out of nowhere, a strong wind comes and completely knocks me off that tightrope. Then comes the free fall into the grief. 

Having that free fall into my grief has only happened twice since Catherine's funeral. One was the first band competition we went to and the second was last night. Both times resulted in crying, yelling, and inconsolable anger. It is a release of sorts. I work so hard to keep it all together. For my kids, my husband, my job. I hate to cry, especially in front of people and both times that I've fallen apart in an epic manner, it was in front of people. 

Last night was supposed to be a night of fun with my coworkers. We went to the Titans game, tailgated, and hung out. Part of the reason we were all there last night was for a young man that recently toured our facility. He was about Catherine's age and he had a football injury that put him in a wheelchair. I got to know him when he came to tour our building. Despite his limitations, he was a funny and witty and kind teenage boy. Catherine would have loved him. I enjoyed seeing him again last night. During a break in the game, the Permobil Foundation gave him a custom chair, perfect for a Titans fan going off to college soon. He was so happy and his parents were overjoyed. I suddenly became irrationally jealous. 

Yup. I was jealous of this family. It was irrational and not like me but I was suddenly mad. And then the damn tears came. I feel apart in front of everyone. Luckily I was able to make an escape but the damage was done and the tears flowed freely. At some point I spoke to Josh on the phone and then I was told we were leaving. I remember being so damn mad and yelling all the way home about how it wasn't fair. Why did my daughter have to go? Why did she have to leave me? Why me? I was spiraling out of control and so angry and sad. It was like a pressure cooker exploding. By the time I was dropped off to my husband, I was wrecked. And spent. I went 100% all Sally Field in Steel Magnolias. It was bad and while I knew what I was doing was probably wrong and I would be mortified, I just couldn't stop. All that sadness and anger had built up and it had to go somewhere. I took a massive tumble off that tightrope. 

The last two times I've fallen off the tightrope, I find myself extremely exhausted and hungry. I fell asleep in Josh's arms last night, still crying, and then woke up starving. After eating something, I went back to sleep. I've slept most of the day. 

Here's the thing about taking a massive tumble off that tightrope of grief. There is always someone to catch you at the bottom. I'm surrounded by coworkers that didn't care that I was falling apart in the middle of the Titans game. I had coworkers catch me and hold me while I wept for my daughter. I had people that caught me and delivered me to the safe arms of my husband. And every one of them knew it was what I needed. This one was long overdue. Gone are the days of just being sad. The anger and resentment phase of grief has hit and I suspect I will tumble off that tightrope again. Luckily, there will be someone there to catch me.