It has been 8 weeks since we lost Catherine. In a few days, we hit the 2 month mark. Through this time I've tried to be grateful and appreciate of all the helpers. They have been numerous. As someone that prefers to be the helper, being helped is strange. I often wonder what Jen Hatmaker would do during this time. She tends to handle things that come her way with lots of emotion but also grace and compassion. Her faith never waivers and despite anything she is faced with, she leans on her faith. That has been a big problem for me. Mainly because people tell me things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan" or "God has still blessed you in so many ways, count those blessings" or my favorite, "God decided her time on earth was finished and it was her time to go." How the hell do any of those statements make you want to lean on your faith? According to these people that say these things, God caused all this grief and sadness. I'm not a fan of him right now. Lucky for me, God has big shoulders and can handle my anger. I know he is still there. We chat when I feel like it is needed.
But what would Jen do? How would she handle those comments? If she lost a child, would her faith waiver? Would she lean on her faith? Would she believe the comments that people make to her? Or would she handle it with grace? Sometimes I'm desperate to know and other times I play it by ear. I like to think that she would look for helpers. I loved that status above 2 years ago and never imagined it would be so true in my life today.
It's been 8 weeks since we lost Catherine and some days are easier than others. Wednesday's tend to be the worst. That is the marker for us. On this day 2 years ago, I posted a status about helpers. And when I need them the most, those helpers show up. Even the smallest things make me feel so loved. At lunch today, I told the chef at the cafe that I was eating my lunch in my car. It is a nice escape from the noise and people. Knowing it would be hard for me to eat pork loin in a togo box, he cut the meat up for me. Helpers are everywhere. Because there are two types of people, helpers and non helpers. I think Jen Hatmaker would thank God for the helpers. So maybe I am doing what Jen Hatmaker would do. Because I thank him daily for every last helper.
**And Jen, if you happen to one day read this, can you please tell me how you would deal with the grief of losing a child? I would seriously love to know.**
"God needed another angel."
ReplyDelete"God has a plan for her."
Um, but I needed her here with me, thanks. :sigh:
Thank god His plan for waterfalls and pandas was spot on...
Only those lucky souls that aren't living our reality think"God needed your angel" is helpful or comforting. It's been 29 years since I was initiated into the most shitty club on earth and I have never once felt comforted by the fact that my daughter was "Too special for Earth"-then why the hell did I even get the short time I had with her? What was the purpose? God's shoulders are huge and he IS forgiving-and I don't think he inspires any of the crappy comments we must endure as bereaved parents. After all, he IS one of us-a founding member of our shitty,shitty club! Hang on tight to your dear cousin, Rachel. Her words are WISE and spot on and she isn't afraid to still be mourning her beautiful girl long past "grief expiration time"! It's a life long pursuit-finding peace with what is and what will never be. Again, you are both so lucky to have each other in the same family!
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