I've mentioned sewing on this blog a lot. It is something that used to bring me great joy. It is something that I struggle with today.
While I've started sewing again, I'm having a hard time with it. The few outfits I've tackled took less time than ever before. I couldn't figure out why. Never was I able to cut out a pattern for an outfit and have it completed in less than 2 hours. Until it dawned on me. Catherine isn't there. We used to chat while I sewed. Most times I couldn't hear her over the machine so I would stop sewing. Or she would play the ukulele and I would stop sewing and listen. It was time spent together.
Catherine was such a different teenager than what I had expected. Whenever I got a new pattern or fabric, I would show her and she would love it! I would grade the pattern in such a way that we could both wear my creations. What 16 year old would proudly wear a "mom-made" shirt or dress to school in this day and age? When I started sewing again, it took less time to cut the pattern. I was only making it for me. She was so much taller than I am and our body types could not have been more different. I found a number of tops and other items I had made in her closet after she died. I wish I could have made her more.
Despite making those few outfits last week and getting a ton of compliments on them, I haven't found the inspiration to keep tackling the pile of fabric in my dining room. I go in there and the whole thing seems so overwhelming. Thank God my favorite pattern makers are sisters and make awesome patterns with VERY clear instructions. I don't very much feel like figuring out a new designer and so I've made the same article numerous times. Sewing is something I've been praying about a lot lately. How could something that once brought me so much joy, seem so horrible and daunting?
And then suddenly I find inspiration. There is a lady I work with that has incredible skills. She and my mother would get along quite nicely. She is a true seamstress. I envy her talent. Every time I would make something, she would inspect the hem and fabric and seams. Most people just like the outfit. But not my coworker. She appreciates things like pleats and piping and twin stitching on hems. Last week she brought in some items that she had made for her boys when they were little. I was amazed at the beauty of these garments, all these years later. The detail and work were unbelievable. Lace trims and hand sewn french seams adorned these beautiful items. I was inspired.
As if that wasn't enough, I was hit again with inspiration a bit later. One of my favorite pattern designers released a sneak preview of a pattern they are releasing this week. I almost dropped my phone when I saw the pattern. Initially, I was struck by how much I loved it. The detail and options were plenty and Catherine would have insisted I make her a ton of this pattern. As I scrolled through the post, I read "Here is a sneak peek at our newest pattern, Catherine." And then I burst into tears. And cried and continued to cry. The testers of the pattern commented that the Catherine was so beautiful. The Catherine was so elegant. The Catherine was versatile. I lost it. At that point I just wanted to save face. I pulled it together and went to the cafe to get lunch and escape to my car. One of my favorite people saw my face, threw food in a box, and told me to just go. I was a wreck and spent the next hour sobbing in my car. I cried for the loss. I cried because I'm tired. I'm tired of the sadness and constantly keeping it together. I cried for the loss of my future with her. I cried because of the guilt and feeling of failure. I sobbed in my car. And then I went back to work. Because it is not cool to sob at your desk and expect people to take you seriously.
And then it dawned on me. That inspiration I had prayed for was hand delivered. Well, shit. Point made. God wink received. Inspiration found. Pattern on list to buy. Thanks Catherine, you made your point very well known. Next time could you do it in a way that keeps me from melting down at work? It makes the day so much harder.
It's funny. Ask and you shall receive has been something that has happened a lot since Catherine died. Whether it is asking family, or friends, or coworkers, or God; we ask and we receive. I asked for inspiration, and boy did I receive it. So stand by, because the next few weeks are going to be filled with new outfits. Some older patterns and a ton of the new Catherine pattern. But just know, all the emotions I have suppressed are bubbling up to the surface. I expect more tears in the next few weeks.
While I've started sewing again, I'm having a hard time with it. The few outfits I've tackled took less time than ever before. I couldn't figure out why. Never was I able to cut out a pattern for an outfit and have it completed in less than 2 hours. Until it dawned on me. Catherine isn't there. We used to chat while I sewed. Most times I couldn't hear her over the machine so I would stop sewing. Or she would play the ukulele and I would stop sewing and listen. It was time spent together.
Catherine was such a different teenager than what I had expected. Whenever I got a new pattern or fabric, I would show her and she would love it! I would grade the pattern in such a way that we could both wear my creations. What 16 year old would proudly wear a "mom-made" shirt or dress to school in this day and age? When I started sewing again, it took less time to cut the pattern. I was only making it for me. She was so much taller than I am and our body types could not have been more different. I found a number of tops and other items I had made in her closet after she died. I wish I could have made her more.
Despite making those few outfits last week and getting a ton of compliments on them, I haven't found the inspiration to keep tackling the pile of fabric in my dining room. I go in there and the whole thing seems so overwhelming. Thank God my favorite pattern makers are sisters and make awesome patterns with VERY clear instructions. I don't very much feel like figuring out a new designer and so I've made the same article numerous times. Sewing is something I've been praying about a lot lately. How could something that once brought me so much joy, seem so horrible and daunting?
And then suddenly I find inspiration. There is a lady I work with that has incredible skills. She and my mother would get along quite nicely. She is a true seamstress. I envy her talent. Every time I would make something, she would inspect the hem and fabric and seams. Most people just like the outfit. But not my coworker. She appreciates things like pleats and piping and twin stitching on hems. Last week she brought in some items that she had made for her boys when they were little. I was amazed at the beauty of these garments, all these years later. The detail and work were unbelievable. Lace trims and hand sewn french seams adorned these beautiful items. I was inspired.
As if that wasn't enough, I was hit again with inspiration a bit later. One of my favorite pattern designers released a sneak preview of a pattern they are releasing this week. I almost dropped my phone when I saw the pattern. Initially, I was struck by how much I loved it. The detail and options were plenty and Catherine would have insisted I make her a ton of this pattern. As I scrolled through the post, I read "Here is a sneak peek at our newest pattern, Catherine." And then I burst into tears. And cried and continued to cry. The testers of the pattern commented that the Catherine was so beautiful. The Catherine was so elegant. The Catherine was versatile. I lost it. At that point I just wanted to save face. I pulled it together and went to the cafe to get lunch and escape to my car. One of my favorite people saw my face, threw food in a box, and told me to just go. I was a wreck and spent the next hour sobbing in my car. I cried for the loss. I cried because I'm tired. I'm tired of the sadness and constantly keeping it together. I cried for the loss of my future with her. I cried because of the guilt and feeling of failure. I sobbed in my car. And then I went back to work. Because it is not cool to sob at your desk and expect people to take you seriously.
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And then it dawned on me. That inspiration I had prayed for was hand delivered. Well, shit. Point made. God wink received. Inspiration found. Pattern on list to buy. Thanks Catherine, you made your point very well known. Next time could you do it in a way that keeps me from melting down at work? It makes the day so much harder.
It's funny. Ask and you shall receive has been something that has happened a lot since Catherine died. Whether it is asking family, or friends, or coworkers, or God; we ask and we receive. I asked for inspiration, and boy did I receive it. So stand by, because the next few weeks are going to be filled with new outfits. Some older patterns and a ton of the new Catherine pattern. But just know, all the emotions I have suppressed are bubbling up to the surface. I expect more tears in the next few weeks.
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