One of the things I've dealt with over the last 2 months is the issue of forgiveness. It's a tough one. There is a list, and while it isn't very long, it is still there.
Catherine's father, the other half of her DNA, wasn't around. Ever. When he did the occasional show up, he caused her great stress and pain. One time I watched her break out into hives when she saw him. He owed (and still does) a huge amount of child support. He didn't show up to the funeral or visitation. Or any other event in her life. He missed birthdays and holidays. When she was 4, she announced at Thanksgiving that her dad drove around with his beer between his legs. I could tell all manners of stories about this man. But at the end of the day, he gave me the greatest gift. He gave me Catherine. Imagine my surprise today when I found out he was unhappy with the obituary and called the funeral home and newspaper to have it changed. He wanted to be completely removed from the obituary. He doesn't want any connection to his daughter. I'm working to forgive him and close that chapter in our life. It is tough. He has waged mental and psychological warfare against Catherine and me for years. I remember when she died, I thought that my connection to him was done. But he reared his ugly head today and there he was, back in my life. So forgiveness is the only way I know to move forward and away from him.
I'm angry and working on forgiving the teenagers that tortured my daughter in her final days. That one is tough. Their lives are going on as if nothing happened and I'm left to pick up the pieces of what is left of our lives. There are days when I am so angry that I want to hit someone. The teenagers involved know what they did and have never apologized or attempted to make amends. Their parents know what they did too. But I have to forgive them and move on. Otherwise I will become ugly and bitter. Hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. So I'm closing that chapter in my life. I hope that they know what they did was wrong and forgive themselves (if they feel bad) and not ever torture another person the way they did my daughter. But as of this moment, I have forgiven them and I'm done.
There are other chapters to close. Catherine did a fundraiser through band before she died and in true Catherine fashion, she sold a lot of stuff. I received it tonight, labeled everything, and will make plans to deliver them this week. She also sold to the parent's of the boy that caused her so much pain. That will be a tough one to deal with but I have a plan and will handle it and close that chapter. No more band fundraisers for her. Chapter closed.
I ordered her band photos today. If you want one, let me know. I got the disc and can make numerous copies. The school is also giving me her school photos that were taken. We will order those as well. No more school photos for Catherine. Chapter closed.
I'm also working to forgive myself. I carry a lot of guilt and anger over what happened. There is a lot of blame that I place on myself. That one is going to take awhile.
On another note, Christmas is coming. I always shopped for Catherine and Josh shopped for the boys. As the ads come out, I am seeing all types of things she would have liked for Christmas. This one is tough. I'm focusing on the boys this year and figuring out what the hell they want. Luckily, there are a couple girls that might love what I've found for Catherine. Who knows. But it is tough. I'm not sure how we are going to get through this season. I suspect the decorations will be out of control and we will blow our budget on presents.
All in all, today hasn't been great. I'm fighting with these chapters closing. I'm fighting with anger and working towards forgiveness. I did get a little self care this evening and got a manicure and pedicure. While my nails aren't black, they are back to being a bit dark. It just makes me feel better. For those of you that don't know, I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Rainy days and stress make it worse. One of the bright spots in my day was spending time at the Stranahan house. We tried on some pretty awesome formal dresses. The girl time was much needed. It makes things seem not so daunting. Because for today, everything just seems to be a bit too much.
Catherine's father, the other half of her DNA, wasn't around. Ever. When he did the occasional show up, he caused her great stress and pain. One time I watched her break out into hives when she saw him. He owed (and still does) a huge amount of child support. He didn't show up to the funeral or visitation. Or any other event in her life. He missed birthdays and holidays. When she was 4, she announced at Thanksgiving that her dad drove around with his beer between his legs. I could tell all manners of stories about this man. But at the end of the day, he gave me the greatest gift. He gave me Catherine. Imagine my surprise today when I found out he was unhappy with the obituary and called the funeral home and newspaper to have it changed. He wanted to be completely removed from the obituary. He doesn't want any connection to his daughter. I'm working to forgive him and close that chapter in our life. It is tough. He has waged mental and psychological warfare against Catherine and me for years. I remember when she died, I thought that my connection to him was done. But he reared his ugly head today and there he was, back in my life. So forgiveness is the only way I know to move forward and away from him.
I'm angry and working on forgiving the teenagers that tortured my daughter in her final days. That one is tough. Their lives are going on as if nothing happened and I'm left to pick up the pieces of what is left of our lives. There are days when I am so angry that I want to hit someone. The teenagers involved know what they did and have never apologized or attempted to make amends. Their parents know what they did too. But I have to forgive them and move on. Otherwise I will become ugly and bitter. Hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. So I'm closing that chapter in my life. I hope that they know what they did was wrong and forgive themselves (if they feel bad) and not ever torture another person the way they did my daughter. But as of this moment, I have forgiven them and I'm done.
There are other chapters to close. Catherine did a fundraiser through band before she died and in true Catherine fashion, she sold a lot of stuff. I received it tonight, labeled everything, and will make plans to deliver them this week. She also sold to the parent's of the boy that caused her so much pain. That will be a tough one to deal with but I have a plan and will handle it and close that chapter. No more band fundraisers for her. Chapter closed.
I ordered her band photos today. If you want one, let me know. I got the disc and can make numerous copies. The school is also giving me her school photos that were taken. We will order those as well. No more school photos for Catherine. Chapter closed.
I'm also working to forgive myself. I carry a lot of guilt and anger over what happened. There is a lot of blame that I place on myself. That one is going to take awhile.
On another note, Christmas is coming. I always shopped for Catherine and Josh shopped for the boys. As the ads come out, I am seeing all types of things she would have liked for Christmas. This one is tough. I'm focusing on the boys this year and figuring out what the hell they want. Luckily, there are a couple girls that might love what I've found for Catherine. Who knows. But it is tough. I'm not sure how we are going to get through this season. I suspect the decorations will be out of control and we will blow our budget on presents.
All in all, today hasn't been great. I'm fighting with these chapters closing. I'm fighting with anger and working towards forgiveness. I did get a little self care this evening and got a manicure and pedicure. While my nails aren't black, they are back to being a bit dark. It just makes me feel better. For those of you that don't know, I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Rainy days and stress make it worse. One of the bright spots in my day was spending time at the Stranahan house. We tried on some pretty awesome formal dresses. The girl time was much needed. It makes things seem not so daunting. Because for today, everything just seems to be a bit too much.
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