So we survived our first holiday. It wasn't easy and I have had many moments of panic and sadness. I miss my girl so very much. There are moments that I still can't believe she is gone.
I took the day off Wednesday to mentally prepare for the coming days. In years past, I would take off the day before Thanksgiving and Catherine and I would watch crappy Christmas movies until we ran out of time and raced around doing prep work for the holiday. This year, I spent the first half of the day watching crappy Christmas movies alone. Until Sandy came in and watched one with me. It helped with the anxiety and sadness of missing her. That afternoon, I picked up Katherine S. and she treated me to a massage. It was much needed and I felt more relaxed.
Thursday morning the plan was to head over the Stranahan house in the morning to help prep. For some reason, I just couldn't get going. When we finally left, I had to swing by Sandy's house to drop something off. Another mother that is going through her first holiday without her child lives next door and I felt the intense pull to go hug her. And I did. Oh how I feel her pain. We talked about how we are in charge of our own grief and the holidays and that we have the right to do whatever the heck we wanted. It felt good to hug another grieving mother and to know that I wasn't alone in the world. When we finally made it to the Stranahan house, we got right to work. It was a lot of fun working with Katherine in the kitchen and listening to the teens fight. At some point, it was suggested that music be played. Julia put on Catherine's spotify playlist. I had no idea that it was public and I listened with joy. Our musical influence was strong and with each song, I found more joy. The Andrew Sisters, AWOL Nation, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, The National, Green Day, Weezer, and so many more. Songs that she balked at when we played them were all in her playlist. It was a small gift from my girl on Thanksgiving. We finished out the day eating and laughing and making plans to tackle the Gimme a 5 warehouse sale on Friday.
For those of you that aren't familiar with Gimme a 5, they basically buy rejected or returned items from Amazon and sell them for $5 an item. It is hit or miss and sometimes you can find great deals while other times you find nothing. Katherine S. had gotten 4 tickets to the warehouse sale that started at 6am on Friday. So we loaded up at 5am and headed that way. It was chaos and hot and crowded but I found some great items. I even managed to score a laptop (thank you Maura) for $5! It was something I desperately needed. At one point, they played a song from Catherine's funeral and while I managed to keep it together, it was another reminder that she wasn't there. We all scored some great deals and after a few more stops, headed back to Lebanon. I came home to find Sandy and sweet baby Mya at the house. We loaded up and headed to Joann Fabrics to meet my coworker Robin and her granddaughter for some fabric shopping. I made a list and was prepared. This was a tradition for me and Catherine. She always managed to keep me on track. I tend to get overwhelmed in the flannel section. I guess Sandy could see that I was getting to that point and she pulled out my list and helped me through the rest of my shopping. It was a relief. She took charge and I managed to get everything on my list. We all headed to lunch and had a great time. After a quick stop at Pier 1 for a Catherine ornament and some Asian Spice refills, we headed home.
Saturday was a somewhat lazy morning and we slept in a bit later than planned. We raced to go pick up the baby from Old Man and Nana and were so happy to see our boy. We had made the decision to work through Thursday and Friday without the kids because we were afraid of how we could handle our grief and their grief and make it through the holiday without completely losing it. It worked out and all the kids were loved on while Josh and I clung to each other for dear life. Once we left there, we headed to Demos to get Hughes some soup and bread. Poor guy had sinus surgery on Wednesday and wanted some soup. We visited with Hughes, his mom, and grandparents. Henry thought it was the coolest and was quite happy to see Hughes. We headed home and everyone laid down for a nap until 4pm when we got the pleasure of keeping sweet baby Mya for a few hours while her parents went on a date. Having that baby in the house always brings us joy.
This morning the boys came home and we ran our usual errands and managed to pick up Josh's early Christmas present. Max scammed me into getting him a peppermint mocha from Starbucks and we came home to work around the house. We got Josh's Christmas present put together and he was super excited. I've had mild anxiety all day because my mind keeps wandering to thoughts of Catherine. As I was typing this, I heard a loud crash upstairs. Josh and I went up to inspect. Our first thought was that Henry finally climbed out of his crib but there was no noise coming from his room. We checked the boys room and bathroom and found nothing. On a whim, we checked Catherine's room and found that the empty shelf above her desk had fallen down. It came straight out of the wall. I suspect it was because we decided to use her room to hide Christmas presents. We've had lots of ornaments show up this weekend. My cousin and her family sent us the most perfect ornaments for the Catherine tree, a Starbucks cup and a beautiful flute. Plus a delightful tote bag!! Another friend brought three ornaments she made out of salt and pepper shakers she got from Cracker Barrel. I received an ornament from one of my oldest friends that had Catherine's signature on it. The tree is filling up and it warms our hearts. It just reminds us that she isn't forgotten. That is my biggest fear, that as time passes, she will be a distant memory to so many people.
We did the holiday our way and survived. We got by with a little help from our friends and it made it not seem so daunting. We still know we have to tackle Christmas and we are taking that one day at a time. But we survived this past holiday. And I'm counting it as a victory.
I took the day off Wednesday to mentally prepare for the coming days. In years past, I would take off the day before Thanksgiving and Catherine and I would watch crappy Christmas movies until we ran out of time and raced around doing prep work for the holiday. This year, I spent the first half of the day watching crappy Christmas movies alone. Until Sandy came in and watched one with me. It helped with the anxiety and sadness of missing her. That afternoon, I picked up Katherine S. and she treated me to a massage. It was much needed and I felt more relaxed.
Thursday morning the plan was to head over the Stranahan house in the morning to help prep. For some reason, I just couldn't get going. When we finally left, I had to swing by Sandy's house to drop something off. Another mother that is going through her first holiday without her child lives next door and I felt the intense pull to go hug her. And I did. Oh how I feel her pain. We talked about how we are in charge of our own grief and the holidays and that we have the right to do whatever the heck we wanted. It felt good to hug another grieving mother and to know that I wasn't alone in the world. When we finally made it to the Stranahan house, we got right to work. It was a lot of fun working with Katherine in the kitchen and listening to the teens fight. At some point, it was suggested that music be played. Julia put on Catherine's spotify playlist. I had no idea that it was public and I listened with joy. Our musical influence was strong and with each song, I found more joy. The Andrew Sisters, AWOL Nation, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, The National, Green Day, Weezer, and so many more. Songs that she balked at when we played them were all in her playlist. It was a small gift from my girl on Thanksgiving. We finished out the day eating and laughing and making plans to tackle the Gimme a 5 warehouse sale on Friday.
For those of you that aren't familiar with Gimme a 5, they basically buy rejected or returned items from Amazon and sell them for $5 an item. It is hit or miss and sometimes you can find great deals while other times you find nothing. Katherine S. had gotten 4 tickets to the warehouse sale that started at 6am on Friday. So we loaded up at 5am and headed that way. It was chaos and hot and crowded but I found some great items. I even managed to score a laptop (thank you Maura) for $5! It was something I desperately needed. At one point, they played a song from Catherine's funeral and while I managed to keep it together, it was another reminder that she wasn't there. We all scored some great deals and after a few more stops, headed back to Lebanon. I came home to find Sandy and sweet baby Mya at the house. We loaded up and headed to Joann Fabrics to meet my coworker Robin and her granddaughter for some fabric shopping. I made a list and was prepared. This was a tradition for me and Catherine. She always managed to keep me on track. I tend to get overwhelmed in the flannel section. I guess Sandy could see that I was getting to that point and she pulled out my list and helped me through the rest of my shopping. It was a relief. She took charge and I managed to get everything on my list. We all headed to lunch and had a great time. After a quick stop at Pier 1 for a Catherine ornament and some Asian Spice refills, we headed home.
Saturday was a somewhat lazy morning and we slept in a bit later than planned. We raced to go pick up the baby from Old Man and Nana and were so happy to see our boy. We had made the decision to work through Thursday and Friday without the kids because we were afraid of how we could handle our grief and their grief and make it through the holiday without completely losing it. It worked out and all the kids were loved on while Josh and I clung to each other for dear life. Once we left there, we headed to Demos to get Hughes some soup and bread. Poor guy had sinus surgery on Wednesday and wanted some soup. We visited with Hughes, his mom, and grandparents. Henry thought it was the coolest and was quite happy to see Hughes. We headed home and everyone laid down for a nap until 4pm when we got the pleasure of keeping sweet baby Mya for a few hours while her parents went on a date. Having that baby in the house always brings us joy.
This morning the boys came home and we ran our usual errands and managed to pick up Josh's early Christmas present. Max scammed me into getting him a peppermint mocha from Starbucks and we came home to work around the house. We got Josh's Christmas present put together and he was super excited. I've had mild anxiety all day because my mind keeps wandering to thoughts of Catherine. As I was typing this, I heard a loud crash upstairs. Josh and I went up to inspect. Our first thought was that Henry finally climbed out of his crib but there was no noise coming from his room. We checked the boys room and bathroom and found nothing. On a whim, we checked Catherine's room and found that the empty shelf above her desk had fallen down. It came straight out of the wall. I suspect it was because we decided to use her room to hide Christmas presents. We've had lots of ornaments show up this weekend. My cousin and her family sent us the most perfect ornaments for the Catherine tree, a Starbucks cup and a beautiful flute. Plus a delightful tote bag!! Another friend brought three ornaments she made out of salt and pepper shakers she got from Cracker Barrel. I received an ornament from one of my oldest friends that had Catherine's signature on it. The tree is filling up and it warms our hearts. It just reminds us that she isn't forgotten. That is my biggest fear, that as time passes, she will be a distant memory to so many people.
We did the holiday our way and survived. We got by with a little help from our friends and it made it not seem so daunting. We still know we have to tackle Christmas and we are taking that one day at a time. But we survived this past holiday. And I'm counting it as a victory.
Keep doing everything YOUR way. There's no right way or wrong way to do it. Do what YOU need to do to get through it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy everything arrived. The bag seriously made me think of you as soon as I saw it. ;)