So here we are, the week of Thanksgiving. Our first major holiday without Catherine. We have vowed to do things our own way and in our own time.
This Thanksgiving we let all our family know that we wouldn't be around this year. Some took it better than others but everyone was supportive and understanding. For us, doing Thanksgiving with family is a glaring reminder that Catherine isn't there. So we are doing it our way and going to the family of Catherine's best friend. I know, it seems weird. Her absence is known there BUT there is humor that is injected into the situation at every possible moment. I'm told things about Catherine that I didn't know. The Gayle to my Oprah is really good at listening but not dwelling. It isn't sad there. It is one of my happiest places and I am so happy they are including us this year. A new tradition and doing it our way. Next year will likely be different but this year is being spent how we want to spend it and on our terms. To be honest, I'm somewhat excited about it.
Christmas is a different story. That one we have to follow traditions and that is okay. We have 4 little boys that are excited and looking forward to the holiday. We have let them call the shots on ornaments and other traditions. We got an angel from the Angel Tree for a 14 year old girl. And the big question about her stocking has been solved. We are hanging her stocking and we are asking friends and family to write a memory or two about Catherine that makes them happy to place in her stocking. We invite anyone who wants to do it to participate. No empty lifeless stocking but instead one filled with memories of our girl. Even the boys are planning on writing something. We let our family know and they are all on board. And instead of shopping for Catherine, we are going to fulfill the wants and needs of a 14 year old girl. I know for a fact that Catherine would have loved that.
Tonight I decided I needed to go to Joann's Fabric for something fabric. I'm being ambitious and making my own dress for the company party. Remember the scene in the movie "Big" with the trampoline? That is my inspiration and I think it is fairly doable. Max offered to go with me. I was slightly shocked. He HATES the fabric store. When we got in the car to go, I decided to stop at Starbucks. It was a thing that Catherine and I did occasionally. We listened to the "Chicago" soundtrack for a few after Max asked about a song he heard. And then he asked if we could put on a Disney song playlist and sing the songs we knew. I agreed. And then my heart swelled a thousand times. I always knew that Max could carry a tune but I had no idea he could actually sing, and sing well. I listened to him sing a song from "Moana" and couldn't stop smiling. His little voice is changing but it was beautiful. The song "You're Welcome" from "Moana" came on next and I almost ran the car off the road when he rapped along. The kid has talent. He was making his own beats with a coke bottle and sang with zero inhibitions. At first it reminded me of time spent with Catherine but then I realized that this wasn't a replacement for those times with Catherine but a chance for my oldest son to connect with his mom and to make new memories. It put me in the happiest mood. We had an amazing time at the fabric store, he picked out the fabric I was looking for, talked me into a few other pieces that were pretty awesome, and was an amazing companion. He confessed that he has been having a hard time connecting with me lately. I almost burst into tears. This has been my struggle as well and I've prayed hard for some answers. Max is snarky and funny and witty. I'm not sure if he has always been like this and his sister eclipsed him with her larger than life talent and personality or maybe she rubbed off on him or maybe he is just that kind of kid. Catherine always said that she would only be mad at Max if he didn't surpass her in musical abilities because he was so musically talented. Boy was she right. This time spent with him tonight lifted me spirits more than I could have imagined.
All in all today wasn't bad. I decided to take Wednesday off to mentally prepare for Thanksgiving. My dear friend knew that and scheduled us for massages on Wednesday. I got a package in the mail today from my oldest cousin that contained an ornament for the Catherine tree, two beautifully embroidered dishtowels with "You are my sunshine" on them and the most delicious smelling bar of soap. I touched base with one of my coworkers that makes me laugh and I decided to eat lunch with coworkers instead of hiding in my car. I'm fighting the guilt daily and I refuse to let the grief personality take over who I am. The depression is real. I sew as much as possible because it is a distraction. I have a large wardrobe of me made clothes with more fabric coming in the mail. I'm taking on more challenging patterns. Patterns that used to scare me. I have faced the worst thing in the world when I lost Catherine. Challenging patterns don't seem so challenging anymore. It feels like we are coasting right now and know that we could hit a bump at any moment. But for the moment, I'm enjoy this moment of happiness and peace. I'm looking forward to finding more ornaments for the Catherine tree and facing this Thanksgiving head on with good friends, my amazing husband, and a touch of booze. We are navigating through this grief and doing it our way. And for the moment, it is working.
This Thanksgiving we let all our family know that we wouldn't be around this year. Some took it better than others but everyone was supportive and understanding. For us, doing Thanksgiving with family is a glaring reminder that Catherine isn't there. So we are doing it our way and going to the family of Catherine's best friend. I know, it seems weird. Her absence is known there BUT there is humor that is injected into the situation at every possible moment. I'm told things about Catherine that I didn't know. The Gayle to my Oprah is really good at listening but not dwelling. It isn't sad there. It is one of my happiest places and I am so happy they are including us this year. A new tradition and doing it our way. Next year will likely be different but this year is being spent how we want to spend it and on our terms. To be honest, I'm somewhat excited about it.
Christmas is a different story. That one we have to follow traditions and that is okay. We have 4 little boys that are excited and looking forward to the holiday. We have let them call the shots on ornaments and other traditions. We got an angel from the Angel Tree for a 14 year old girl. And the big question about her stocking has been solved. We are hanging her stocking and we are asking friends and family to write a memory or two about Catherine that makes them happy to place in her stocking. We invite anyone who wants to do it to participate. No empty lifeless stocking but instead one filled with memories of our girl. Even the boys are planning on writing something. We let our family know and they are all on board. And instead of shopping for Catherine, we are going to fulfill the wants and needs of a 14 year old girl. I know for a fact that Catherine would have loved that.
Tonight I decided I needed to go to Joann's Fabric for something fabric. I'm being ambitious and making my own dress for the company party. Remember the scene in the movie "Big" with the trampoline? That is my inspiration and I think it is fairly doable. Max offered to go with me. I was slightly shocked. He HATES the fabric store. When we got in the car to go, I decided to stop at Starbucks. It was a thing that Catherine and I did occasionally. We listened to the "Chicago" soundtrack for a few after Max asked about a song he heard. And then he asked if we could put on a Disney song playlist and sing the songs we knew. I agreed. And then my heart swelled a thousand times. I always knew that Max could carry a tune but I had no idea he could actually sing, and sing well. I listened to him sing a song from "Moana" and couldn't stop smiling. His little voice is changing but it was beautiful. The song "You're Welcome" from "Moana" came on next and I almost ran the car off the road when he rapped along. The kid has talent. He was making his own beats with a coke bottle and sang with zero inhibitions. At first it reminded me of time spent with Catherine but then I realized that this wasn't a replacement for those times with Catherine but a chance for my oldest son to connect with his mom and to make new memories. It put me in the happiest mood. We had an amazing time at the fabric store, he picked out the fabric I was looking for, talked me into a few other pieces that were pretty awesome, and was an amazing companion. He confessed that he has been having a hard time connecting with me lately. I almost burst into tears. This has been my struggle as well and I've prayed hard for some answers. Max is snarky and funny and witty. I'm not sure if he has always been like this and his sister eclipsed him with her larger than life talent and personality or maybe she rubbed off on him or maybe he is just that kind of kid. Catherine always said that she would only be mad at Max if he didn't surpass her in musical abilities because he was so musically talented. Boy was she right. This time spent with him tonight lifted me spirits more than I could have imagined.
All in all today wasn't bad. I decided to take Wednesday off to mentally prepare for Thanksgiving. My dear friend knew that and scheduled us for massages on Wednesday. I got a package in the mail today from my oldest cousin that contained an ornament for the Catherine tree, two beautifully embroidered dishtowels with "You are my sunshine" on them and the most delicious smelling bar of soap. I touched base with one of my coworkers that makes me laugh and I decided to eat lunch with coworkers instead of hiding in my car. I'm fighting the guilt daily and I refuse to let the grief personality take over who I am. The depression is real. I sew as much as possible because it is a distraction. I have a large wardrobe of me made clothes with more fabric coming in the mail. I'm taking on more challenging patterns. Patterns that used to scare me. I have faced the worst thing in the world when I lost Catherine. Challenging patterns don't seem so challenging anymore. It feels like we are coasting right now and know that we could hit a bump at any moment. But for the moment, I'm enjoy this moment of happiness and peace. I'm looking forward to finding more ornaments for the Catherine tree and facing this Thanksgiving head on with good friends, my amazing husband, and a touch of booze. We are navigating through this grief and doing it our way. And for the moment, it is working.
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