Some days just suck. I think everyone has had a day that sucks this week. Today is one of those days that I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I tried very hard today. I worked to fake it until I could make it. But for some reason the anxiety held on strong.
We have a hard and fast rule in this house that we don't decorate for Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. I've never broken that rule. Until this year. My thinking is that if we put Christmas up now, it might make the transition smoother. I don't know if we can say to the kids, "Hey! We survived Thanksgiving, now let's survive Christmas." For us, Thanksgiving has never been a holiday that much mattered. We've done the family thing but we don't have many traditions. Mainly it has been Josh, myself, and Catherine. The baby joined the crew 2 years ago. We decided to do our own thing this Thanksgiving and make a new memory. It will just be too hard going to our families' home and seeing the spot that would be for Catherine. Her absence will be obvious. But Christmas, there is no escaping. If we didn't have children, I suspect we would take a cruise and unplug. Instead, our Christmas traditions will remain the same.
On Wednesday, we decided to buy a new tree. We've had the same tree for years and it wasn't pre-lit. We always argued over white lights and colored lights. Catherine and I were team white lights and Josh was team colored lights. In an effort to alleviate the argument, we decided to buy a tree that includes lights and can be switched between white and colors. This year we were planning on doing white lights. Catherine was so excited. When we told the boys on Wednesday that were buying a new tree, I watched as Max's face fell. He became very withdrawn and quiet. The other boys were really excited. While at Lowe's, I watched Max continue to withdraw and he seemed as though he had a bad attitude. We picked our tree and Josh and the 3 younger boys went to the car while Max and I paid for the tree. I asked him what was wrong. He suddenly exploded and told me that the old tree was fine and buying a new one was like replacing Catherine. We had too many memories with her with the old tree. I assured him that we weren't replacing Catherine and that by getting a new tree with lights, we could really honor her with the white lights. And then I took a page out of my cousin's playbook and told him we were going to have a "Catherine" tree. We would try to use a portion of the old tree and decorate it with ornaments that reminded us of Catherine. He seemed reassured but wasn't himself.
The night went to shit after that. When we got home, Josh had to prop the door open to carry the tree inside. That is a trigger for me. I had to prop the door open when they were bringing Catherine out that morning. I had flashbacks and they were intense. Max's attitude was awful. The toilet overflowed and Josh was mad. It all came to a head and Max finally let the dam break. He wept in Josh's arms. It was horrible. His grief was overwhelming. But he got it all out. We discussed our own triggers and things that make our own dam break.
Later that evening, Max came and asked me questions about the morning Catherine died and how they removed her from the house. What did I do, what did Josh do, was she covered, and where did they take her. He asked about how she looked when saw her before they cremated her. It was tough. I was overcome with anxiety but knew that Max needed to know. Luckily my best friend was there and it was comforting. After Max went to bed, I had my own little cry. I'm mad and sad and heartbroken. But mostly I'm tired of being so damn strong. I'm just tired and God I miss her. It just isn't fair.
So here we are. Weeks away from Christmas, days away from Thanksgiving. And we are decorating for Christmas this weekend. The kids are excited but I'm dreading it. That is likely the source of my anxiety. Today was rough. I'm sad. The further we get away from the day she died, the worse it gets. No one tells you about that part. "Time heals all wounds" was invented by someone that never lost someone that they loved with every fiber of their being.
So we are in fact taking a page out of my cousin's playbook for grief and dealing with Christmas. We are going to set up a Catherine tree. Nothing huge. But we are going to put ornaments on it that remind us of her. If you would like to add to it, we welcome it. But mostly, if you just want to pray for us as we embark on this very sad and scary time, it would be appreciated. If we don't accept invitations to parties or other occasions, please hang in there. We will be back but it is hard. Don't forget about us.
We have a hard and fast rule in this house that we don't decorate for Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. I've never broken that rule. Until this year. My thinking is that if we put Christmas up now, it might make the transition smoother. I don't know if we can say to the kids, "Hey! We survived Thanksgiving, now let's survive Christmas." For us, Thanksgiving has never been a holiday that much mattered. We've done the family thing but we don't have many traditions. Mainly it has been Josh, myself, and Catherine. The baby joined the crew 2 years ago. We decided to do our own thing this Thanksgiving and make a new memory. It will just be too hard going to our families' home and seeing the spot that would be for Catherine. Her absence will be obvious. But Christmas, there is no escaping. If we didn't have children, I suspect we would take a cruise and unplug. Instead, our Christmas traditions will remain the same.
On Wednesday, we decided to buy a new tree. We've had the same tree for years and it wasn't pre-lit. We always argued over white lights and colored lights. Catherine and I were team white lights and Josh was team colored lights. In an effort to alleviate the argument, we decided to buy a tree that includes lights and can be switched between white and colors. This year we were planning on doing white lights. Catherine was so excited. When we told the boys on Wednesday that were buying a new tree, I watched as Max's face fell. He became very withdrawn and quiet. The other boys were really excited. While at Lowe's, I watched Max continue to withdraw and he seemed as though he had a bad attitude. We picked our tree and Josh and the 3 younger boys went to the car while Max and I paid for the tree. I asked him what was wrong. He suddenly exploded and told me that the old tree was fine and buying a new one was like replacing Catherine. We had too many memories with her with the old tree. I assured him that we weren't replacing Catherine and that by getting a new tree with lights, we could really honor her with the white lights. And then I took a page out of my cousin's playbook and told him we were going to have a "Catherine" tree. We would try to use a portion of the old tree and decorate it with ornaments that reminded us of Catherine. He seemed reassured but wasn't himself.
The night went to shit after that. When we got home, Josh had to prop the door open to carry the tree inside. That is a trigger for me. I had to prop the door open when they were bringing Catherine out that morning. I had flashbacks and they were intense. Max's attitude was awful. The toilet overflowed and Josh was mad. It all came to a head and Max finally let the dam break. He wept in Josh's arms. It was horrible. His grief was overwhelming. But he got it all out. We discussed our own triggers and things that make our own dam break.
Later that evening, Max came and asked me questions about the morning Catherine died and how they removed her from the house. What did I do, what did Josh do, was she covered, and where did they take her. He asked about how she looked when saw her before they cremated her. It was tough. I was overcome with anxiety but knew that Max needed to know. Luckily my best friend was there and it was comforting. After Max went to bed, I had my own little cry. I'm mad and sad and heartbroken. But mostly I'm tired of being so damn strong. I'm just tired and God I miss her. It just isn't fair.
So here we are. Weeks away from Christmas, days away from Thanksgiving. And we are decorating for Christmas this weekend. The kids are excited but I'm dreading it. That is likely the source of my anxiety. Today was rough. I'm sad. The further we get away from the day she died, the worse it gets. No one tells you about that part. "Time heals all wounds" was invented by someone that never lost someone that they loved with every fiber of their being.
So we are in fact taking a page out of my cousin's playbook for grief and dealing with Christmas. We are going to set up a Catherine tree. Nothing huge. But we are going to put ornaments on it that remind us of her. If you would like to add to it, we welcome it. But mostly, if you just want to pray for us as we embark on this very sad and scary time, it would be appreciated. If we don't accept invitations to parties or other occasions, please hang in there. We will be back but it is hard. Don't forget about us.
Oh. God.
ReplyDeleteIt all sucks so hard.
*sigh*
I'm grateful I didn't have to manage Lily's grief in addition to my own. Poor Max. :(
The terrifying thing about time is the further away you are the harder it is because you are no longer making any memories with them and you are further from your time with them. It's so damn terrifying.
Praying for you all. This first one is gonna be hard. Do what YOU need to do. Don't worry about ANYONE else. Period. YOU come first here. You wanna put up a tree in July, by god, you do it.
Love you.