I've always promised full disclosure on this blog. Where we are, what we are doing, and how we are doing. For 2 months I've been fighting the guilt. Today it got to me and it hit me hard.
For those of you that don't know, I was 19 when I got pregnant with Catherine. It was scandalous. I was unmarried and my prospects didn't look good for the future. People said there was no way I could raise a child. They said that being born from a teenage mother, her odds weren't good for a future. She likely would get pregnant before she graduated, if she even graduated. One time I mentioned that if I ever had another daughter, I would name her Molly. Someone told me that I should focus on actually raising the daughter I had because I was doomed to fail. It was rough. And I focused all my time and energy into raising Catherine.
One of my favorite teachers once told me that the best revenge is to prove someone wrong. So that is what I did. I set out to prove everyone wrong. Catherine was brilliant and funny and wise beyond her years. She was so talented and we worked together to prove everyone wrong. I was looking forward to the day I could watch her graduate high school and know I did it. That we did it. I was looking forward to her going to college so that I could prove everyone wrong again. Catherine and I had a plan. We were going to succeed.
But here I am. We were so close and I failed. They were right. I couldn't do it. And maybe that is why I am so scared of finding out her cause of death. What if I missed something? What if she suffered? So many what ifs that they are driving me mad. But at the end of the day, I feel like a failure. They were right. I couldn't raise my daughter. She won't graduate from high school. She won't go to college. And while a part of me knows this is irrational, I can't shake it. I just feel gutted.
Maybe it is the holidays and her absence is so obvious. I wandered around Joanns today and bought nothing. I took Max and Charlie to lunch and was sad. Of course we ate at Cracker Barrel and there were salt and pepper shakers everywhere. I saw the $.99 ones and knew she would have gotten me those. They stayed in the store. We came home and after working in the yard for a minute, I came in and sewed. I made 4 tops and a pair of leggings. One right after the other. Not talking to anyone. Just mindlessly working. And my brain took advantage.
You can take all the anti-depressants in the world. You can go to therapy. You can pray. You can even blog your thoughts. But nothing will make your thoughts go away. It just allows me to function and not climb under the covers or just go under with the waves of grief and not come back up. But the thoughts will get you.
As I was typing this tonight, I got a message that there was a little gift for me on the front porch. Boy do some people have impeccable timing. It was the most hilarious book and booze and coffee. It lifted my spirits and made me laugh hysterically. Not sure how long it will last. The thoughts will creep in again. This is one battle that I suspect I will fight for a long time.
For those of you that don't know, I was 19 when I got pregnant with Catherine. It was scandalous. I was unmarried and my prospects didn't look good for the future. People said there was no way I could raise a child. They said that being born from a teenage mother, her odds weren't good for a future. She likely would get pregnant before she graduated, if she even graduated. One time I mentioned that if I ever had another daughter, I would name her Molly. Someone told me that I should focus on actually raising the daughter I had because I was doomed to fail. It was rough. And I focused all my time and energy into raising Catherine.
One of my favorite teachers once told me that the best revenge is to prove someone wrong. So that is what I did. I set out to prove everyone wrong. Catherine was brilliant and funny and wise beyond her years. She was so talented and we worked together to prove everyone wrong. I was looking forward to the day I could watch her graduate high school and know I did it. That we did it. I was looking forward to her going to college so that I could prove everyone wrong again. Catherine and I had a plan. We were going to succeed.
But here I am. We were so close and I failed. They were right. I couldn't do it. And maybe that is why I am so scared of finding out her cause of death. What if I missed something? What if she suffered? So many what ifs that they are driving me mad. But at the end of the day, I feel like a failure. They were right. I couldn't raise my daughter. She won't graduate from high school. She won't go to college. And while a part of me knows this is irrational, I can't shake it. I just feel gutted.
Maybe it is the holidays and her absence is so obvious. I wandered around Joanns today and bought nothing. I took Max and Charlie to lunch and was sad. Of course we ate at Cracker Barrel and there were salt and pepper shakers everywhere. I saw the $.99 ones and knew she would have gotten me those. They stayed in the store. We came home and after working in the yard for a minute, I came in and sewed. I made 4 tops and a pair of leggings. One right after the other. Not talking to anyone. Just mindlessly working. And my brain took advantage.
You can take all the anti-depressants in the world. You can go to therapy. You can pray. You can even blog your thoughts. But nothing will make your thoughts go away. It just allows me to function and not climb under the covers or just go under with the waves of grief and not come back up. But the thoughts will get you.
As I was typing this tonight, I got a message that there was a little gift for me on the front porch. Boy do some people have impeccable timing. It was the most hilarious book and booze and coffee. It lifted my spirits and made me laugh hysterically. Not sure how long it will last. The thoughts will creep in again. This is one battle that I suspect I will fight for a long time.
I pray you're able to move through the guilt. I still have moments.
ReplyDeletePeople can say all day long that I'm wrong but it is my own internal battle and it is raging hard. You are the first person to acknowledge what I'm feeling and I so appreciate that.
ReplyDelete