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Another Milestone

Today was a tough and emotional day. Normally it would have been a day of chaos, when Catherine was here. It was the Lebanon Christmas Parade, Recital Day, and Keyboards at Christmas at the church. Catherine participated in all three and it was an insane Sunday. We would grab her as soon as she got done with the parade, race to the recital, do a very quick change from uniform to recital dress. After the recital she would race with my mother to Keyboards at Christmas. All those events still took place but without Catherine, there was no stress or drama.

When we got to the recital, I grabbed a program and sat down. It was weird being in that church without Catherine. We always played the flute choir together at the end. Betty asked me last weekend if I was still going to play. My gut reaction was no but I decided to do it. By Monday, I was freaking out and did what any 36 year old grown woman would do, I called my sister and asked her to play with me up there. Betty told me that you can't cry while playing flute. I took that challenge tonight. Emily graciously agreed and having her with me was so comforting. I'm lucky to have such a kind and supportive sister. The boys played their piano pieces beautifully. Max was pretty upset about playing today and there were some tears but he pulled it together and sounded amazing. Charlie did so well too. I was fine until a piano duet playing Away in a Manager and Lullaby. It hit me that Catherine wouldn't be playing this recital and she wouldn't be playing at the Christmas Eve service. I fell apart. And then a sweet young man got up and played the flute for his portion of the recital. The tears kept flowing. And then it was time for the flute choir. Emily and I walked up there together, took our places, and played. I was good for the first verse but I fell apart playing the second verse.  When we got done, Emily and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes and running down our faces. My sister has been such a blessing to me through this entire thing and I wonder if I will ever be able to thank her properly. Having her with me tonight gave me a sense of calm that kept my tears from turning into a massive meltdown. I miss my girl so much. The entire recital was dedicated to my sweet Catherine.



Keyboards at Christmas was this evening and we couldn't do it. I wanted to but knew that there was no way I was going to make it through another emotional moment. The church dedicated their program to Catherine as well. Max went tonight with my mother and Jack. While Josh and I thought it was a bad idea, Max insisted he wanted to go. I was quite surprised when I got a photo from one of Catherine's friends and Max was in the photo with her. What an absolute blessing. Max loves Laramie and I know he is in good hands with her by his side tonight. The church told me they were going to record the program so that we could watch it when we were ready. As much as we wanted to go tonight, I think we made the right decision to come home and decompress.


I was prepared for Christmas and all that came with it but I didn't prepare for the music and Catherine's absence from that part. How I'm supposed to get through the band concert on the 8th, or Max's band and choir concert on the 12th, or even the Christmas Eve service at the church? One step at a time I suppose. But this is one milestone that I believe sucked the hardest.

Comments

  1. RachDecember 4, 2017 at 5:08 AM

    One moment at a time. Take them as they come, don't look ahead--it'll bring you to your knees.

    This was definitely the suckiest milestone. I'm so sorry.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete

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