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Dressing up, guilt, and the feeling of nothingness

Last Saturday night was my company's Christmas party. It also happened to be the 50th anniversary of the company. My company's Christmas party is quite legendary. They spare no expense to make sure that we have a wonderful and decadent time. The attire is quite dressy and the week before the party, we all chat about what we are wearing. I've looked forward to it all year.


The party was at RocketTown in downtown Nashville, the after party was at Acme Feed and Seed (badass bar), and there were hotels to get if you so desired. We booked a hotel and planned to have an amazing night. And we did. Josh looked amazing and I went to my sister to get my hair cut, colored, and fixed for the night. My outfit was decided upon at the last minute and I actually applied makeup. Sandy let me borrow her pearls and it was all so fancy. As we got dressed at the hotel, I took off my necklace with all the Catherine charms and put on the pearls. I felt different. It was the first time I had taken it off for longer than a minute since she died. I replaced the necklace with her ashes, fingerprint, and initials, and put on the pearls. I felt lighter. As the night went on, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized that in some ways, that necklace has turned into an anchor. At first it was comforting but now it seems like a constant reminder that Catherine died. I think some of the charms are going to be coming off and I am going to lighten my load a little. I'm carrying the weight and grief of my children and husband. I carry it all and I'm tired. Her ashes will remain on my neck but I think the thumbprint and initials will be added to my charm bracelet.


When we got to the party, it was the first time I realized that I've spent the last 3 months looking like hell. It didn't occur to me until about the 5th person looked shocked at my fixed hair and makeup. It was nice and encouraging and made me realize that in some ways I have looked like the mother from the movie "13 Reasons Why" which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Josh and I ate and drank and danced and had a great time with my coworkers. I realized that there were a couple times when I threw my head back and laughed.  When I saw a camera flash in one of those moments, I was suddenly scared because there was photographic evidence that I was happy. And in that moment I was happy. But the happy moments are few and far between. I felt guilty when I saw the photos. My daughter died less than 4 months ago and here I am laughing and eating and drinking, like I don't have a care in the world. But I do have so much sadness. Sometimes it is unbearable. Other times it is bottled up when I am distracted. On that lovely Saturday night, I was distracted. I had fun and laughed. It was a nice respite from the grief.


My boss reviewing a hysterical selfie with his wife


Me laughing at something incredibly funny that Angie or Chris said


I haven't been posting a lot lately. I'm sort of in this place of nothingness. I avoid a lot and try not to think about it. My focus is on the boys and making sure they are okay. For the time being, there are no photos of Catherine up in the house. It hurts too much to look at them. This too shall pass and I will put them up after the first of the year. With Christmas coming, her absence is so obvious. I'm going to miss getting a present from her this year. She always picked the best stuff for me. I miss not buying for her. I see so many things that I know she would have loved. Last night I had a dream about her. The whole dream was me running my fingers through her thick, curly hair. But for the most part, it is a place where I feel nothing. Blame it on the medications or my genetics that allow me to push it all down, but it is what I need right now to get through. Please continue to pray for my family as we are rapidly approaching Christmas.

Comments

  1. RCDecember 19, 2017 at 8:49 AM

    You look beautiful. I'm glad you were able to have a happy evening. Hugs to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete

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