I have dreaded the holidays since the week after Catherine died when I realized the magnitude of her loss. We have done most of it our way while trying to keep traditions alive.
On Christmas Eve every year, we go to the service at First Presbyterian Church. It is a beautiful candlelit service and Catherine always played her flute and sang in the choir. I can hardly remember a time that I didn't go to that service. We started going the year I was nine. This year I couldn't do it. There was no way. In fact, I can hardly step foot into that church without wanting to cry. The church where we all said goodbye the day of her funeral. So we decided that we needed to make a new memory. The president of my company was quite gracious and allowed us to have 4 tickets to the Titans game on Christmas Eve....in the corporate box, complete with tailgating, food, soda, and a dessert cart. To say Max and Charlie were surprised was an understatement. They were so distracted by the excitement that they forgot it was the day before Christmas. Later that night, it finally dawned on Charlie that Catherine wasn't there and he was oh so sad. Lots of tears were shed by him on that night.
Christmas day was business as usual. We went WAY overboard this year in an effort to make up for the fact that Catherine was gone. Everyone seemed happy with their gifts. I only had one meltdown but it was short. Seeing Catherine's empty stocking was painful but we got through it. Once all the presents were opened at our house and Granny's house (Josh's mom), we came home, loaded up the car, and headed south.
I normally drive until outside of Chattanooga so that Josh can sleep but this year I kept going. By the time he woke up, we were on the south side of Atlanta. In that time that everyone was asleep and I was driving, I listened to Catherine's playlist on Spotify and just enjoyed some time with my own thoughts. I ended up driving most of the way and it was nice. When we got to my grandmother's in Florida, I was put to bed to take a nap. Almost 5 hours later, Josh woke me up. That first night I slept 14 hours. Each night after, I slept at least 12 hours. The river is my happy place. I've been going my entire life. Dad is a snowbird now and has a place across from my grandmother. Our time there was spent relaxing and letting the boys be boys.
On Wednesday, we decided to spread some of Catherine's ashes. Holy shit. I was not ready for that one. We had decided that we wanted to spread little bits of her at her favorite places. Each year, she would go canoeing with my aunt. Each year they went to Cobb Lake. It was a 15 minute canoe ride. I placed some of her ashes in a container and we headed out. My aunt, sister, and I were in the canoe and my dad and Josh followed in the bigger boat. I had purchased daisies at the store and cut the flowers off to spread on the water. The day before, my aunt and Max had scoped out that spot and they saw yellow daisies blooming on the water, in the middle of December. We knew it was the right spot. We asked my aunt to spread she ashes since that spot and canoeing were special to her and Catherine. There was a light rain that started as we headed back. It was beautiful and shitty all at once. I wanted Catherine to be the one in the boat with me. I had planned on going out with her this year and having her take me down the river. I didn't plan to spread her ashes. I took photos with my camera and didn't pay much attention to the photos in it. When I went back through, I realized that the last photos taken were of Catherine's sweet 16 party. Those were followed by the spreading of some of her ashes. I'm not sharing those photos because going into that camera is in the too hard pile. I am including a few I took with my phone.
We made it home safe and sound Saturday morning. Leaving was hard but I was glad to be home. I am glad we went down there. I needed that time to just be. No cell service or internet. Just quiet.
Tonight we are planning on going to a friend's house to bring in the new year. The people that will be there tonight are people that stood beside us during our darkest hours. I can't imagine spending it with anyone else.
2017 was the worst year of my life. You aren't supposed to outlive your child. I fight with irrational anger aimed at people who are grieving her loss. In my mind I feel like I am the marker for how everyone else should grieve. I loved her the most. I had her the longest. She was a part of me. How dare anyone grieve harder than me? Part of the problem is that I am not grieving. There are few tears or down days. I am working to keep a strong face for my boys. Josh had a sad moment today and Henry brought him his medicine. The boys see way more than we realize. Whenever Josh and I get sad or overly upset, sometimes we take something. The kids see that. I am spending 2018 making sure they don't see that anymore. We will forever miss her and I fear I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what 2018 will bring. My goal is to not think about it. Whatever happens will happen. Because in 2017 I learned that anything can happen, no matter how much control you think you have,
On Christmas Eve every year, we go to the service at First Presbyterian Church. It is a beautiful candlelit service and Catherine always played her flute and sang in the choir. I can hardly remember a time that I didn't go to that service. We started going the year I was nine. This year I couldn't do it. There was no way. In fact, I can hardly step foot into that church without wanting to cry. The church where we all said goodbye the day of her funeral. So we decided that we needed to make a new memory. The president of my company was quite gracious and allowed us to have 4 tickets to the Titans game on Christmas Eve....in the corporate box, complete with tailgating, food, soda, and a dessert cart. To say Max and Charlie were surprised was an understatement. They were so distracted by the excitement that they forgot it was the day before Christmas. Later that night, it finally dawned on Charlie that Catherine wasn't there and he was oh so sad. Lots of tears were shed by him on that night.
Christmas day was business as usual. We went WAY overboard this year in an effort to make up for the fact that Catherine was gone. Everyone seemed happy with their gifts. I only had one meltdown but it was short. Seeing Catherine's empty stocking was painful but we got through it. Once all the presents were opened at our house and Granny's house (Josh's mom), we came home, loaded up the car, and headed south.
I normally drive until outside of Chattanooga so that Josh can sleep but this year I kept going. By the time he woke up, we were on the south side of Atlanta. In that time that everyone was asleep and I was driving, I listened to Catherine's playlist on Spotify and just enjoyed some time with my own thoughts. I ended up driving most of the way and it was nice. When we got to my grandmother's in Florida, I was put to bed to take a nap. Almost 5 hours later, Josh woke me up. That first night I slept 14 hours. Each night after, I slept at least 12 hours. The river is my happy place. I've been going my entire life. Dad is a snowbird now and has a place across from my grandmother. Our time there was spent relaxing and letting the boys be boys.
On Wednesday, we decided to spread some of Catherine's ashes. Holy shit. I was not ready for that one. We had decided that we wanted to spread little bits of her at her favorite places. Each year, she would go canoeing with my aunt. Each year they went to Cobb Lake. It was a 15 minute canoe ride. I placed some of her ashes in a container and we headed out. My aunt, sister, and I were in the canoe and my dad and Josh followed in the bigger boat. I had purchased daisies at the store and cut the flowers off to spread on the water. The day before, my aunt and Max had scoped out that spot and they saw yellow daisies blooming on the water, in the middle of December. We knew it was the right spot. We asked my aunt to spread she ashes since that spot and canoeing were special to her and Catherine. There was a light rain that started as we headed back. It was beautiful and shitty all at once. I wanted Catherine to be the one in the boat with me. I had planned on going out with her this year and having her take me down the river. I didn't plan to spread her ashes. I took photos with my camera and didn't pay much attention to the photos in it. When I went back through, I realized that the last photos taken were of Catherine's sweet 16 party. Those were followed by the spreading of some of her ashes. I'm not sharing those photos because going into that camera is in the too hard pile. I am including a few I took with my phone.
 |
| My sweet sister paddling down the river |
 |
| One of Catherine's resting places |
We made it home safe and sound Saturday morning. Leaving was hard but I was glad to be home. I am glad we went down there. I needed that time to just be. No cell service or internet. Just quiet.
Tonight we are planning on going to a friend's house to bring in the new year. The people that will be there tonight are people that stood beside us during our darkest hours. I can't imagine spending it with anyone else.
2017 was the worst year of my life. You aren't supposed to outlive your child. I fight with irrational anger aimed at people who are grieving her loss. In my mind I feel like I am the marker for how everyone else should grieve. I loved her the most. I had her the longest. She was a part of me. How dare anyone grieve harder than me? Part of the problem is that I am not grieving. There are few tears or down days. I am working to keep a strong face for my boys. Josh had a sad moment today and Henry brought him his medicine. The boys see way more than we realize. Whenever Josh and I get sad or overly upset, sometimes we take something. The kids see that. I am spending 2018 making sure they don't see that anymore. We will forever miss her and I fear I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what 2018 will bring. My goal is to not think about it. Whatever happens will happen. Because in 2017 I learned that anything can happen, no matter how much control you think you have,
Comments
Post a Comment