Yesterday marked the 5 month mark since Catherine died so unexpectedly. In case you were wondering, that equals 155 days without my daughter.
Everyday I wake up with a level of anxiety. When I have to go upstairs to wake up the boys, I take my phone, just in case. The anxiety remains as I wonder if the boys are going to make it to school safely. It continues as I drop Henry off at school and he cries to stay with me. It elevates on the way to work when I have time to think and my mind wanders. By mid morning I'm taking a Xanax to stop the impending major panic attack that I sense is coming around the corner. I live with anxiety. EVERYTHING makes me anxious.
In my last blog post, I said that despite Catherine's case being closed, it would never be closed because someone would bring it up the next time a student dies. Last week I found out that it will be brought back up when a teenager, that claimed to be my daughter's friend, posted a video on YouTube that went viral. The video was in regards to the bullying at the high school. I saw the video and she mentioned the deaths that had occurred this school year. My anxiety went to a 10 and I was on the verge of tears. Here we go again. With hashtags being used to get the attention of The Ellen Show or the shares on Reddit or to local news stations, I knew that the case wasn't closed but instead, it was being drug back up again. Right when we feel as though we are gaining our footing, something like this happens. While I commend the young lady for her bravery, I do not condone her using this video to gain attention while using my daughter's death (and another child's death) to further her agenda.
This video that has gone viral has caused an uproar in this small town. While I have always loved the small town life, I'm seeing the darker side of it. The side where there is no anonymity or privacy. Catherine was well known. Her death has been reported on falsely based on "parental sources" and speculation. I have lived with this horrid anxiety for 5 months because I know that someone is going to bring up her death or use her death to gain something. Maybe 5 minutes of fame or just a way to rustle up the wasps nest that is our local Facebook page. I have found that the ones that comment the most and the loudest, don't even have children in the district or even children old enough to be in school. On really bad days where these people get everything going again, I envision sending them glitter bombs or putting flaming bags of dog crap at their front door.
This small town embraced us in the days and weeks after Catherine's death. I saw the beauty and kindness from people we knew and people we didn't know. Former classmates donated to her funeral fund. People that I was in band with fed us and donated money and even had our clothing pressed for the funeral so we didn't have to worry (Thank you again Jay). The people that helped the most came from Lebanon High School. The same school that is being blasted on social media and other outlets. My first day of high school was almost 20 years ago and those same students that were there for me then, were there for me in my darkest days.
The Communications Director for Wilson County Schools was forced to jump into the wasps nest in order to calm parents and other members of our community that were mad about the video or the punishment that the young lady received as a result of breaking rules in making the video. She broke it down, point by point. She used the words of the young lady in her fact checking response. And still parents were mad. I've read comments that discuss the deaths and I wonder why the hell they are so worried about it? Do they realize that they are bullying the family that is grieving and barely keeping their head above water? For the record, I commend the Communications Director for her amazing response to all of this unfortunate drama. She has been especially kind to our family during this time and I am grateful for her.
Tonight, I hate small town life. I hate the spirit of hatefulness that our community is experiencing. Instead of dealing with their own children or joining the PTA or volunteering at these schools that are allegedly SO terrible, they are bitching on Facebook and accomplishing nothing. Tonight, I long for the day that I can leave this small town life. Because if this is what I have to face the rest of my life, I don't know if it is a life I want to live. It has been 155 days since I lost my daughter and best friend and this case is nowhere close to being closed. In fact, I fear it is just beginning.
Everyday I wake up with a level of anxiety. When I have to go upstairs to wake up the boys, I take my phone, just in case. The anxiety remains as I wonder if the boys are going to make it to school safely. It continues as I drop Henry off at school and he cries to stay with me. It elevates on the way to work when I have time to think and my mind wanders. By mid morning I'm taking a Xanax to stop the impending major panic attack that I sense is coming around the corner. I live with anxiety. EVERYTHING makes me anxious.
In my last blog post, I said that despite Catherine's case being closed, it would never be closed because someone would bring it up the next time a student dies. Last week I found out that it will be brought back up when a teenager, that claimed to be my daughter's friend, posted a video on YouTube that went viral. The video was in regards to the bullying at the high school. I saw the video and she mentioned the deaths that had occurred this school year. My anxiety went to a 10 and I was on the verge of tears. Here we go again. With hashtags being used to get the attention of The Ellen Show or the shares on Reddit or to local news stations, I knew that the case wasn't closed but instead, it was being drug back up again. Right when we feel as though we are gaining our footing, something like this happens. While I commend the young lady for her bravery, I do not condone her using this video to gain attention while using my daughter's death (and another child's death) to further her agenda.
This video that has gone viral has caused an uproar in this small town. While I have always loved the small town life, I'm seeing the darker side of it. The side where there is no anonymity or privacy. Catherine was well known. Her death has been reported on falsely based on "parental sources" and speculation. I have lived with this horrid anxiety for 5 months because I know that someone is going to bring up her death or use her death to gain something. Maybe 5 minutes of fame or just a way to rustle up the wasps nest that is our local Facebook page. I have found that the ones that comment the most and the loudest, don't even have children in the district or even children old enough to be in school. On really bad days where these people get everything going again, I envision sending them glitter bombs or putting flaming bags of dog crap at their front door.
This small town embraced us in the days and weeks after Catherine's death. I saw the beauty and kindness from people we knew and people we didn't know. Former classmates donated to her funeral fund. People that I was in band with fed us and donated money and even had our clothing pressed for the funeral so we didn't have to worry (Thank you again Jay). The people that helped the most came from Lebanon High School. The same school that is being blasted on social media and other outlets. My first day of high school was almost 20 years ago and those same students that were there for me then, were there for me in my darkest days.
The Communications Director for Wilson County Schools was forced to jump into the wasps nest in order to calm parents and other members of our community that were mad about the video or the punishment that the young lady received as a result of breaking rules in making the video. She broke it down, point by point. She used the words of the young lady in her fact checking response. And still parents were mad. I've read comments that discuss the deaths and I wonder why the hell they are so worried about it? Do they realize that they are bullying the family that is grieving and barely keeping their head above water? For the record, I commend the Communications Director for her amazing response to all of this unfortunate drama. She has been especially kind to our family during this time and I am grateful for her.
Tonight, I hate small town life. I hate the spirit of hatefulness that our community is experiencing. Instead of dealing with their own children or joining the PTA or volunteering at these schools that are allegedly SO terrible, they are bitching on Facebook and accomplishing nothing. Tonight, I long for the day that I can leave this small town life. Because if this is what I have to face the rest of my life, I don't know if it is a life I want to live. It has been 155 days since I lost my daughter and best friend and this case is nowhere close to being closed. In fact, I fear it is just beginning.
Oh. God.
ReplyDeleteNo, it's never ever case closed. I have nothing but "I'm sorry." And, I am. So very sorry. At least with Hannah, the only time she's brought up is when another person is lost at the same location. It crops up periodically and it's awful and leaves me sick with anxiety to such a degree I feel agoraphobic. I'm sure this is ten millions times worse.
I'm sick for you.