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The Misery of Grief

Grief is miserable. There are days I just want to escape it. There are also days when I see why some people act as though the person that died didn't exist. That is where I am right now. I am pushing down all my grief and there are days that I try to forget her because remembering Catherine is just too damn sad.

I'm missing so much right now. I miss hearing her walk around her room that is above ours. I miss the music in our house. She was always playing an instrument or singing. I miss her laugh and running my hands through her hair. The other night I had a dream and all I did in the dream was run my fingers through her thick hair. I miss her baked goods that were never quite what she wanted them to be. I miss her texts during the day. I miss time spent with her when Josh and the boys were doing boy stuff. I HATE being the only female in the house. We were a team.

On each of the boys' birthday weekend, they are allowed to choose any movie and we take them to the store to buy a 12 pack of soda and some junk food. They all pile up in our bed and watch their movie and then take all the soda and junk food upstairs to their room. Normally during the movie portion of the night, Catherine and I would go run errands or craft or hang out. Saturday was Max's birthday weekend. He chose the movie "Tremors" and got his junk food. While they piled up in the bed to watch, I sat alone in the dining room, playing with my vinyl machine. Alone. It hurt. I miss her so very much. Every time I see a design I like, a part of me wants to call her down and have her look at it. She would have loved my vinyl cutter and I suspect the girl that was obsessed with stickers would have had me make her a thousand things to put on her belongings. It is these moments that I want to forget she existed. But even in death, my girl has a way of making sure I don't forget her. A song or smell or memory comes rushing back and I'm forced to remember my precious girl who was only 16 and had so much promise.

As of January 1st, I am in a new role at work. I've helped out in the Regulatory department all summer to help prep for an audit. The more I worked with that group, the more I realized how much I missed it. I felt that I would be a better fit in a regulatory role and the powers that be agreed. Go figure that my first week officially in the role, we get notified that the FDA is coming for an audit. Late nights and a few stressful moments and we all survived with very good results. I dove in head first and found a little bit of joy. The adrenaline that comes with those high paced, stressful moments make for a great distraction. At the end of the audit, I wanted to text Catherine and tell her the results. Being with me for years of audits, she would have been so excited and would have likely been at work with me on those late nights, helping me prep. It was a bittersweet moment.

Some days are great and full of joy. Other days are miserable. This week, despite the highs and lows of the audit, has been fairly emotional. Triggers on Facebook cause me to melt down. I'm seriously contemplating shutting Facebook down for awhile. I hate being tagged in stuff that has to do with Catherine or girls. I have irrational jealousy at the moms that brag about their daughters or post milestones. I'm all over the place in my emotions.

This weekend, weather permitting, we are taking Max to Memphis. We decided that on even years the older boys are getting experiences with us and odd years you get a gift. So we are taking Max to Ikea in Memphis to pick out new furniture for their bedrooms. The other cool part about the trip is seeing Catherine's sister, Britt! I cannot wait to hug that child's neck. And by child, I mean she's 20 years old but will ALWAYS be a child to me. I've known her since she was barely 4 years old and I have so enjoyed watching her grow up. Like me, she is struggling with the loss of Catherine. Seeing her precious face and smile always makes me happy. I can't wait to see her.

All in all, we are all over the place in our grief. Our main focus right now is boys. Some are having bigger issues than others. So we put on our happy face, love on our boys, and push forward. I just hope that some day it won't be so hard to push through.


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