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The Black Veil of Grief

The day Catherine died, it seemed as though a dark veil was put over me. Everything I've looked at since that day has been seen through this black veil of grief. Life has been hard. There are so many days that I bargained with myself and God to get through. There were more days than not that I very seriously contemplated joining Catherine. I had no purpose. It has been awful.

I decided the day that she died, that Josh and I would do what we could to support the band program. Catherine would have wanted that. From that thought, and with the help of one of Catherine's favorite mentors, the idea for a foundation was created. A foundation created to change the world. A foundation that would be used to finish the job Catherine started. By God, if she wasn't going to change the world, I was going to do it for her.

I was excited in those early days of discussing the idea of this foundation. But the black veil of grief was preventing me from moving forward. It was hard. I became bitter and angry about the foundation It seemed too hard. And if Catherine hadn't died, I wouldn't be having to start a foundation. Grief and depression is one ugly monster. Thankfully, a dear friend lit a fire under my ass and in a matter of a week and a few days, the foundation was on the go.

Sitting in the Panera in Lebanon, TN, Catherine's Orchestra for All was created. With a website and bylaws and paperwork filled out, we were making it finally happen. The Lebanon High School Band was gracious enough to allow a fundraiser for the foundation on Friday night. This concert is a pretty big deal! It is all the middle school children from bands in the county and  the Lebanon High School Band, on one stage. It is called Mega band. Catherine adored the band director, Ben Channell, and he was gracious enough to allow me to say a few words about the foundation.

When I got home from work Friday, I walked in the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and decided that the role of grieving mother was going to be played by someone else that night. That night, I was the President of Catherine's Foundation for All. I fixed my hair, put on makeup, put on my signature red lipstick and red glasses, and put on my red heels. My husband asked why I was wearing heels and I told him that there is nothing more commanding than a set of high heels walking across a stage. I was ready to go.

Walking in the high school wasn't easy. A lot of the band kids looked at me like they saw a ghost. I opened the door to the auditorium for the first time since Catherine died, took a deep breath, and walked in. In those beginning moments, I felt the tears start to come. And then for the first time in 6 months, I felt control over those feelings. I decided that I wasn't going to cry, I was going to sit there and enjoy this amazing band concert.

When it came time for me to speak, I walked up on the stage, and flanked by the band director and Catherine's best friend, I spoke to an auditorium full of parents about our foundation. I explained why band matters and why music matters. I was more nervous than when I did Catherine's eulogy at the funeral. But I did it. With my hands shaking, I did it. Catherine was there. I could feel it. Having her best friend next to me made it all the more better. The concert ended with over 250 kids playing the 1812 Overture. I did cry a bit during that. I'm not sure if it was grief, joy, or just because I missed seeing Catherine on that stage.

I woke up this morning and that dark veil was gone. For the first time in 6 months, there was light. And hope. I have a purpose. I felt true happiness today. I'm sure that there will be moments and periods of time that the black veil of grief comes over me again but it will be different. Because I have felt hope and happiness. And I will fight to get that back when the grief knocks me down.

I'm going to make sure that this foundation is Catherine's legacy that will be remembered for generations to come. If you are interested in more information, please visit our website www.catherinesorchestra.com. We are also on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. There will be more to come in the weeks and months ahead.

As for my family as a whole, we are not out of the woods yet. We miss Catherine and grieve together. We are all in different stages in our grief. I'm ready to remove Catherine's items from the bathroom. The boys cried when I mentioned it. Max is starting to play some of the pieces that Catherine played on the piano. It brings him peace but brings sadness and anxiety to my husband. The baby is still oblivious. The other boys are having issues of their own. I ask that you continue to pray for us. I'm hoping that getting the boys involved in the foundation will help them in their grief as well.

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