Skip to main content

Dear Friends and Family,

I recently started going to grief counseling. After 7 months of dealing with everyone else's grief, I felt it was time to tackle my own. I'm very good at compartmentalizing parts of my life. It wasn't until my grief overflowed into my job and quality of work that I realized it was time to deal with it. In my first session, I received this handout. It is a letter to friends and family. I've been on the fence about sharing it but with more "firsts" on the horizon, I felt it was important to share. There are a few parts that I added myself, but only because they were important to me.


Dear Family and Friends,


On August 30, 2017, I suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving and it will take months and even years to recover from this loss. I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. I don't apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or lack of faith. They are God's gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am recovering.


At times you may see me angry for no apparent reason. Sometimes I'm not even sure why. All I know is that my emotions are intense because of my grief. They are my emotions and I own them. If I don't always make sense to you, please don't tell me I'm wrong in my emotions. Instead, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I repeat myself again and again, please accept this is normal.


More than anything else I need your understanding and your presence. You don't always have to know what to say, or even say anything, if you don't know how to respond. Your presence and a touch or hug lets me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you since sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so. Besides, who wants to talk to that person in their life that is so sad and cries all the time? If I tend to withdraw from you, please don't let me do that. I need you to reach out to me for several months. If I decline an invitation from you to do something, please don't take it personally. We are taking each day and each "first" one at a time. Sometimes it is too hard to be with a crowd of people somewhere other than our own home. It feels out of control and I personally feel like I have no control. Grief takes away some of your control, so you tend to fight for any control you can get in your world.


This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. As a mother that has lost her child, it is quite possibly the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I will survive and figure out how to move forward with my life.


Thank you for caring about me and my family. Thank you for listening, praying, leaving surprises on our front door, dropping off random food and desserts, and for just being there for us. Your concern is comforting and is a gift for which I will always be thankful.


Much love to all,
Erin and family

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Another Closing Chapter

I realize that my blog posts have been few and far between lately. We refer to the month of May as the "dark month" around here. Mother's Day, my birthday, Catherine's birthday, and this year, high school graduation. Today is the day that the Lebanon High School Class of 2019 will graduate. I've struggled with this a lot. Do I want to go? Am I in a good enough place to go? Am I too angry to go? The answers are yes, I want to go; I'm not sure but I suppose we will see; and while I'm angry, I'm not too angry to go. My anger lies both deep within me, as well as on the surface. I'm mad as hell that Catherine isn't here to graduate. All the hard work and goals we had set. Today was the day that we were going to give everyone that doubted my ability to raise Catherine, as well as doubted Catherine graduating, a big old eff you. Having her at such a young age, a lot of people expected me to fail at parenting. Some even said that the apple won'...

Flee or See

We have all heard of "Fight or Flight" but this journey doesn't give that option very often. It is more of a "Flee or See" situation. When I am facing a situation that is going to cause anxiety, I have to decide if I'm going to flee the situation or see it through. I have had quite a few of these moments. When a song comes on that brings up memories of Catherine, I am faced with leaving the room or I can see it through and let the memories come over me. Sometimes I take it all in and see it through. When a song came on the other day that was our favorite, I wanted to flee and leave the room but instead I was able to see it through. I let the happy memories wash over me and while it was painful, the memories were nice. I'm faced with these situations daily. There are quite a few that I want to flee but I'm forced to see it through. Sometimes my mind wanders and I am taken to the morning I found her. The vision of her laying there in her bed brings...

Cause of death

This particular subject has been on my mind for quite a few days. My husband and I discussed it and while we felt the following needed to be said, we were afraid to send a different message. I've prayed about this post and I keep feeling pushed to write it. For starters, this is not about my daughter's cause of death. We do not know it. We plan on not finding out. When they call with the results, the only thing I want to know is if it is something that could happen to my boys. That is it. Knowing her cause of death won't bring me peace. It won't bring her back. It won't change anything. She will still be gone and my heart will still be torn into a million pieces. My sweet daughter died peacefully in her sleep. There are numerous ways she could have died in her sleep. Knowing won't bring her back. One of the first things I'm asked is what happened. I usually respond with something in regards to her passing in her sleep. One would think that should be th...