For those of you that read my blog, you know that the month of May was going to be a hard month for me. With birthdays, Mother's Day, Graduations, parties, and so much more, this has been something I've dreaded. It is one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a while.
I've been handling my grief in what I think to be a reasonable manner. There have been tears this month but for the most part, I've kept it together.
One of the first events in May was one that I hadn't expected. It almost put me into a tailspin. I was asked to go testify for a friend in court. Without getting into all the details, it was a custody case that involved domestic violence, among other things. When I got up to testify, the judge began to question me. I found it incredibly odd, until he asked "Has something major happened in your life in the last year, say, the death of a child?" My body went numb as I answered him. He asked her name and age. I began to cry. And then the real questions began. Was I on medication? What type and to list them off for the judge. Was I depressed? Was I able to care for my children? Was my marriage okay? Did I work? Was I able to go to work? The judge basically asked if I was mentally okay. Let me tell you what, find me a mother that has lost a child that is mentally okay. It was questions that were asked by the other side (the side that had the abusive parent) and I'm guessing the judge felt it best to ask the questions. I never got to talk about all the other things I do to help my grieving. Just my mental state. I left the court and was devastated. It was like losing Catherine all over again. In that moment, I questioned my mental state. Was I okay? Was I able to care for my children? Was I a detriment to my marriage? Was I a crappy employee? My world crashed. I was immediately taken back to August 30th, 2017. Now, here's the thing, someone that didn't have their mental health in check would have likely ended it right there. Lord, I was close. But with mental health care and medication, I knew to make phone calls. And I did until I reached someone. So I sat at my sister's kitchen table and wept. And she helped me clean my makeup off my face and then I went to grief therapy. The next few weeks, I waited for DCS to show up to my door and take my kids. I mentally prepared myself. It is May 28th and they haven't shown up yet, but I'm still waiting. As for the attorney and the client that insisted those questions be asked, I pray they never have to experience what I go through on a daily basis and just how damaging their actions were to me. Additionally, I pray that one day I can see that judge outside of court and prove to him that losing a child does not make you a bad parent or someone that isn't mentally well. I hope to show him the good that I am going to make happen and that I am handling life just like the next person.
Despite the terrible beginning of the month, there have been some pretty special things happen. Every day this month, a small gift has been sitting on my desk when I arrive in the morning. A funny fly swatter, coloring book and crayons, a beach ball, facial masks, and other wonderful things that have made me smile. THOSE wonderful items have helped me get through this month. They bring so much joy.
One Saturday this month, two of my coworkers and my fairy goddaughter went and did 17 random acts of kindness. In doing those acts, I met other grieving mothers. One of which, I knew about her daughter's death but I hadn't met her. Well, I not only met her but I sat at her kitchen table and listened to her and as selfish as this must sound, I felt validated in my own feelings. I cried listening to her speak because if anyone in that room got it, it was me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, yet there are so many of us that deal with it every single day. That Saturday was incredibly special and one I will never forget.
I have gotten to experience one of Catherine's friends graduation party and it made my heart happy to be included. My darling fairy goddaughter turned 18 and graduated from high school and I got to experience that with her and her family. Little did I know that prom dress accessory shopping with a mouthy (yes Hannah, mouthy) 17 year old would have such a huge and wonderful impact on my life. I love that child and her family so very much. They have become one of the biggest blessings in my life. The little ones in that family don't even really know my name. I'm just known as Fairy Godmother.
Another bright spot has been my physical therapist. That woman has been a gift from God. She makes me laugh and has really made a dent in my body pain. But the best part is that she is pretty persuasive and she talked me into going to a dance night at her studio. Ballroom dancing. Me, the girl with two left feet. And I went. I find it interesting that God knows where we need to be, even if it is so far outside our own comfort zone that we question what we are doing. But for almost 2 hours, I totally forgot about life and focused 100% on learning how to dance. And I absolutely LOVED it. My choir director from high school used to say "If you can walk you can dance, if you can talk you can sing." My flute/piano instructor told me the other day that when you play piano or flute, you can only focus on the music. Well, when you are learning how to dance, all you can do is focus on your feet. And the music. And the people around you. And your frame. And how in the world you aren't stepping on anyone's feet. It was an escape and it was delightful. In fact, I drug Josh out last week. We are going to take dance lessons together. Because for almost 2 hours, all I did was dance and sweat. If you want to join me some time, let me know. And if you need an exceptional physical therapist, I can hook you up!
With everything going on this month, it is amazing how a wave of grief can catch you completely off guard while other times it is just water lapping at your ankles. I survived my birthday. I survived a recital. The birthday was sad without Catherine but the recital hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried.
My mother got married on Friday. She walked down the aisle to Catherine singing a beautiful love song. My precious girl's ashes sat in a chair, present at her grandmother's wedding. The groom cried and the bride got watery eyed but I was okay. For some reason I was happy that Catherine was included despite not being there. It was a perfect wedding and Catherine was even included in the photos.
Today I was playing with my new binder, happily putting all my pattern instructions into perfect little books when I was hit with a 100 foot wave of grief that left me sputtering for air. As I was punching holes in the papers, I thought how excited Catherine would be to put all her band stuff in a book. She always had her music stored in a three-ring binder. This new machine was going to perfect for this band season. Except there won't be a band season for Catherine. There won't be a senior year or senior photos this summer. And that wave took me out. For a brief moment I forgot that Catherine died. It knocked the wind out of me.
Some days this whole thing seems unreal and heartbreaking. Other days life just goes on and there are days that I'm okay. The entire month of May has been waves of grief. Some are 100 foot tall and leave me battered and bruised and breathless, while other waves barely make it above my knee.
There is another wave coming this week. Catherine's 17th birthday. I'm not sure if it will be a 100 foot wave that takes me out or something more manageable. Regardless, I'm bracing myself for the worst but praying for the best.
As for Catherine's birthday, we have decided (at the request of Max and Charlie) to have a small celebration. We have invited the adults in her life that she saw as parental figures (there are 6 of us) and ALL of her siblings for a small dinner and celebration of her life. I don't have it in me to pull off something big. We didn't want a ton of people and this is one of those times that I have considered my feelings, my husband's feelings, and the feelings of my children with very little regard to others. It may seem selfish to some but for me it is what I have to do to survive. However, if you want to do something in honor of my sweet girl, we ask that you do a random act of kindness. We will be doing 17 in honor of Catherine. I like to think it is something she would have wanted.
To all you wonderful friends and family out there, hang in there. We are braving the storms and taking the waves as they come. We are slowly coming out of the storm and the waves are farther apart for the time being. We haven't forgotten about you. I promise. Pray for us as we face this incredibly hard week ahead of us.
I've been handling my grief in what I think to be a reasonable manner. There have been tears this month but for the most part, I've kept it together.
One of the first events in May was one that I hadn't expected. It almost put me into a tailspin. I was asked to go testify for a friend in court. Without getting into all the details, it was a custody case that involved domestic violence, among other things. When I got up to testify, the judge began to question me. I found it incredibly odd, until he asked "Has something major happened in your life in the last year, say, the death of a child?" My body went numb as I answered him. He asked her name and age. I began to cry. And then the real questions began. Was I on medication? What type and to list them off for the judge. Was I depressed? Was I able to care for my children? Was my marriage okay? Did I work? Was I able to go to work? The judge basically asked if I was mentally okay. Let me tell you what, find me a mother that has lost a child that is mentally okay. It was questions that were asked by the other side (the side that had the abusive parent) and I'm guessing the judge felt it best to ask the questions. I never got to talk about all the other things I do to help my grieving. Just my mental state. I left the court and was devastated. It was like losing Catherine all over again. In that moment, I questioned my mental state. Was I okay? Was I able to care for my children? Was I a detriment to my marriage? Was I a crappy employee? My world crashed. I was immediately taken back to August 30th, 2017. Now, here's the thing, someone that didn't have their mental health in check would have likely ended it right there. Lord, I was close. But with mental health care and medication, I knew to make phone calls. And I did until I reached someone. So I sat at my sister's kitchen table and wept. And she helped me clean my makeup off my face and then I went to grief therapy. The next few weeks, I waited for DCS to show up to my door and take my kids. I mentally prepared myself. It is May 28th and they haven't shown up yet, but I'm still waiting. As for the attorney and the client that insisted those questions be asked, I pray they never have to experience what I go through on a daily basis and just how damaging their actions were to me. Additionally, I pray that one day I can see that judge outside of court and prove to him that losing a child does not make you a bad parent or someone that isn't mentally well. I hope to show him the good that I am going to make happen and that I am handling life just like the next person.
Despite the terrible beginning of the month, there have been some pretty special things happen. Every day this month, a small gift has been sitting on my desk when I arrive in the morning. A funny fly swatter, coloring book and crayons, a beach ball, facial masks, and other wonderful things that have made me smile. THOSE wonderful items have helped me get through this month. They bring so much joy.
One Saturday this month, two of my coworkers and my fairy goddaughter went and did 17 random acts of kindness. In doing those acts, I met other grieving mothers. One of which, I knew about her daughter's death but I hadn't met her. Well, I not only met her but I sat at her kitchen table and listened to her and as selfish as this must sound, I felt validated in my own feelings. I cried listening to her speak because if anyone in that room got it, it was me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, yet there are so many of us that deal with it every single day. That Saturday was incredibly special and one I will never forget.
I have gotten to experience one of Catherine's friends graduation party and it made my heart happy to be included. My darling fairy goddaughter turned 18 and graduated from high school and I got to experience that with her and her family. Little did I know that prom dress accessory shopping with a mouthy (yes Hannah, mouthy) 17 year old would have such a huge and wonderful impact on my life. I love that child and her family so very much. They have become one of the biggest blessings in my life. The little ones in that family don't even really know my name. I'm just known as Fairy Godmother.
Another bright spot has been my physical therapist. That woman has been a gift from God. She makes me laugh and has really made a dent in my body pain. But the best part is that she is pretty persuasive and she talked me into going to a dance night at her studio. Ballroom dancing. Me, the girl with two left feet. And I went. I find it interesting that God knows where we need to be, even if it is so far outside our own comfort zone that we question what we are doing. But for almost 2 hours, I totally forgot about life and focused 100% on learning how to dance. And I absolutely LOVED it. My choir director from high school used to say "If you can walk you can dance, if you can talk you can sing." My flute/piano instructor told me the other day that when you play piano or flute, you can only focus on the music. Well, when you are learning how to dance, all you can do is focus on your feet. And the music. And the people around you. And your frame. And how in the world you aren't stepping on anyone's feet. It was an escape and it was delightful. In fact, I drug Josh out last week. We are going to take dance lessons together. Because for almost 2 hours, all I did was dance and sweat. If you want to join me some time, let me know. And if you need an exceptional physical therapist, I can hook you up!
With everything going on this month, it is amazing how a wave of grief can catch you completely off guard while other times it is just water lapping at your ankles. I survived my birthday. I survived a recital. The birthday was sad without Catherine but the recital hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried.
My mother got married on Friday. She walked down the aisle to Catherine singing a beautiful love song. My precious girl's ashes sat in a chair, present at her grandmother's wedding. The groom cried and the bride got watery eyed but I was okay. For some reason I was happy that Catherine was included despite not being there. It was a perfect wedding and Catherine was even included in the photos.
Today I was playing with my new binder, happily putting all my pattern instructions into perfect little books when I was hit with a 100 foot wave of grief that left me sputtering for air. As I was punching holes in the papers, I thought how excited Catherine would be to put all her band stuff in a book. She always had her music stored in a three-ring binder. This new machine was going to perfect for this band season. Except there won't be a band season for Catherine. There won't be a senior year or senior photos this summer. And that wave took me out. For a brief moment I forgot that Catherine died. It knocked the wind out of me.
Some days this whole thing seems unreal and heartbreaking. Other days life just goes on and there are days that I'm okay. The entire month of May has been waves of grief. Some are 100 foot tall and leave me battered and bruised and breathless, while other waves barely make it above my knee.
There is another wave coming this week. Catherine's 17th birthday. I'm not sure if it will be a 100 foot wave that takes me out or something more manageable. Regardless, I'm bracing myself for the worst but praying for the best.
As for Catherine's birthday, we have decided (at the request of Max and Charlie) to have a small celebration. We have invited the adults in her life that she saw as parental figures (there are 6 of us) and ALL of her siblings for a small dinner and celebration of her life. I don't have it in me to pull off something big. We didn't want a ton of people and this is one of those times that I have considered my feelings, my husband's feelings, and the feelings of my children with very little regard to others. It may seem selfish to some but for me it is what I have to do to survive. However, if you want to do something in honor of my sweet girl, we ask that you do a random act of kindness. We will be doing 17 in honor of Catherine. I like to think it is something she would have wanted.
To all you wonderful friends and family out there, hang in there. We are braving the storms and taking the waves as they come. We are slowly coming out of the storm and the waves are farther apart for the time being. We haven't forgotten about you. I promise. Pray for us as we face this incredibly hard week ahead of us.
I have followed your devastating loss via this blog. I pray for you 🙏🙏🙏. A lady in my area here in Northern VA , Anna Donaldson, writes a blog explaining her grief from child loss. She also wrote a book, Rare Bird. Anyhow, she had an interesting post that I thought to share with you. God Bless.
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