One year mark and no words

It has been one year since we lost my beautiful girl. There are no words. Today isn't a celebration. It isn't an anniversary. It is the one year mark. Catherine and I shared a love of music and we communicated a lot through music. So, I've put together this video. It is long. It might make you cry. But this was the only way I knew how to communicate on this day.

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The Harsh Truth

In thirteen days, it will mark 4 years since Catherine died. How it can seem like it happened both yesterday and a lifetime ago continues to puzzle me. Four years later and I still struggle with accepting that it wasn’t my fault and that while I want to believe that I could save her, I’ve learned that I’m just not that powerful. With this terrible milestone approaching, I sit here angry and doing everything in my power to not rage at parents that are spitting in the face of science and the experts that are desperately trying to save lives all because they believe they know what is best for their child. Sure, as parents we believe we know what is right for our children but we also rely on doctors, scientists, and research to ensure we are making the right decision. We are currently faced with a pandemic that went from affecting the older population and those with underlying health conditions a year ago to now affecting our children. I still see the same people saying that it is jus...

The Chain

One of Catherine's favorite songs was "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson. I printed off the music for the piano and I learned to play it and then she would sing. Her voice always amazed me. At some point she taught herself the piano part and recorded herself singing and playing that lovely song. I didn't find the video until after she died. I've watched it numerous times. Since her death, things that used to bring me joy, don't bring me joy anymore. I'm not able to read for pleasure. Music is a hard one too. For those of you that don't know, I play the piano and flute. We played together a lot. Catherine and I bonded over music. We shared our favorite songs. Listening to the radio is scary because I'm fearful that one of our songs will play. So I listen to NPR instead. When the detective questioned us about Catherine that morning, he did it in the dining room while I was surrounded by all my sewing stuff. So now the idea of sewing brings me dread....

Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it. The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not q...

The Reality of Grief

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