One year mark and no words

It has been one year since we lost my beautiful girl. There are no words. Today isn't a celebration. It isn't an anniversary. It is the one year mark. Catherine and I shared a love of music and we communicated a lot through music. So, I've put together this video. It is long. It might make you cry. But this was the only way I knew how to communicate on this day.

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I get by with a little help from my friends

So we survived our first holiday. It wasn't easy and I have had many moments of panic and sadness. I miss my girl so very much. There are moments that I still can't believe she is gone. I took the day off Wednesday to mentally prepare for the coming days. In years past, I would take off the day before Thanksgiving and Catherine and I would watch crappy Christmas movies until we ran out of time and raced around doing prep work for the holiday. This year, I spent the first half of the day watching crappy Christmas movies alone. Until Sandy came in and watched one with me. It helped with the anxiety and sadness of missing her. That afternoon, I picked up Katherine S. and she treated me to a massage. It was much needed and I felt more relaxed. Thursday morning the plan was to head over the Stranahan house in the morning to help prep. For some reason, I just couldn't get going. When we finally left, I had to swing by Sandy's house to drop something off. Another mother th...

Flee or See

We have all heard of "Fight or Flight" but this journey doesn't give that option very often. It is more of a "Flee or See" situation. When I am facing a situation that is going to cause anxiety, I have to decide if I'm going to flee the situation or see it through. I have had quite a few of these moments. When a song comes on that brings up memories of Catherine, I am faced with leaving the room or I can see it through and let the memories come over me. Sometimes I take it all in and see it through. When a song came on the other day that was our favorite, I wanted to flee and leave the room but instead I was able to see it through. I let the happy memories wash over me and while it was painful, the memories were nice. I'm faced with these situations daily. There are quite a few that I want to flee but I'm forced to see it through. Sometimes my mind wanders and I am taken to the morning I found her. The vision of her laying there in her bed brings...

Senior Picture

When Catherine died, I wept to my dear friend about all the things I was going to miss due to her death. Prom, concerts, marching band, senior pictures, graduation, and a million other things. She graciously offered to share her daughter, my daughter's best friend, for some of those events. And she did. This school year, their senior year, I've been to band concerts and band competitions. I've carried on the sticker tradition, bringing Julia a sticker from places we go, just like Catherine would. We've done birthdays and Thanksgiving. In turn, Julia (and so many of Catherine's other friends) have stepped up in so many ways. Whether it be a comforting hug, playing the role of big sister to my boys, including me in school gossip, or sharing stories about Catherine, these kids have brought so much love and comfort to our lives as we grieve the tremendous and profound loss of our daughter. So when Julia's mother handed me a framed photo and envelope the other day,...

The Reality of Grief

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