One year mark and no words

It has been one year since we lost my beautiful girl. There are no words. Today isn't a celebration. It isn't an anniversary. It is the one year mark. Catherine and I shared a love of music and we communicated a lot through music. So, I've put together this video. It is long. It might make you cry. But this was the only way I knew how to communicate on this day.

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Another Closing Chapter

I realize that my blog posts have been few and far between lately. We refer to the month of May as the "dark month" around here. Mother's Day, my birthday, Catherine's birthday, and this year, high school graduation. Today is the day that the Lebanon High School Class of 2019 will graduate. I've struggled with this a lot. Do I want to go? Am I in a good enough place to go? Am I too angry to go? The answers are yes, I want to go; I'm not sure but I suppose we will see; and while I'm angry, I'm not too angry to go. My anger lies both deep within me, as well as on the surface. I'm mad as hell that Catherine isn't here to graduate. All the hard work and goals we had set. Today was the day that we were going to give everyone that doubted my ability to raise Catherine, as well as doubted Catherine graduating, a big old eff you. Having her at such a young age, a lot of people expected me to fail at parenting. Some even said that the apple won'...

Flee or See

We have all heard of "Fight or Flight" but this journey doesn't give that option very often. It is more of a "Flee or See" situation. When I am facing a situation that is going to cause anxiety, I have to decide if I'm going to flee the situation or see it through. I have had quite a few of these moments. When a song comes on that brings up memories of Catherine, I am faced with leaving the room or I can see it through and let the memories come over me. Sometimes I take it all in and see it through. When a song came on the other day that was our favorite, I wanted to flee and leave the room but instead I was able to see it through. I let the happy memories wash over me and while it was painful, the memories were nice. I'm faced with these situations daily. There are quite a few that I want to flee but I'm forced to see it through. Sometimes my mind wanders and I am taken to the morning I found her. The vision of her laying there in her bed brings...

Cause of death

This particular subject has been on my mind for quite a few days. My husband and I discussed it and while we felt the following needed to be said, we were afraid to send a different message. I've prayed about this post and I keep feeling pushed to write it. For starters, this is not about my daughter's cause of death. We do not know it. We plan on not finding out. When they call with the results, the only thing I want to know is if it is something that could happen to my boys. That is it. Knowing her cause of death won't bring me peace. It won't bring her back. It won't change anything. She will still be gone and my heart will still be torn into a million pieces. My sweet daughter died peacefully in her sleep. There are numerous ways she could have died in her sleep. Knowing won't bring her back. One of the first things I'm asked is what happened. I usually respond with something in regards to her passing in her sleep. One would think that should be th...

The Reality of Grief

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