Skip to main content

Observations

Since this past Tuesday when I was let go from my job, I have made a few observations. To start, I find myself happier. I didn't realize how much resentment I held because I had to work and keep all my feelings of grief and hopelessness on the inside. I find I have more energy. Going to work all day and putting on a brave face while working at a high stress job is exhausting. In the evenings, I would get home and crash.

In the last year since Catherine died, I can count on two hands how many times I've actually cooked a substantial meal. None were creative and it was only done to feed the kids. While we have sort of kept up with the house, I've realized this last week that it looks a bit like a war zone. Josh and I have done the bare minimum to get by this last year. And I have not baked or made any thing sweet in over a year.

That all changed on Tuesday morning. I walked in the house with a clear head and a happier heart and looked around. I felt motivated and inspired to get the house back to its tidy state. I have made three desserts AND cooked dinner.

We are having company this afternoon and instead of buying pre-made potato salad and baked beans, I thoughtfully put together a meal. I was in the kitchen cutting herbs and making beautiful and delicious smelling dishes! You will not find pre-made food on our table tonight. I've already started thinking about dinner for the next week.

In less than a week, the laundry is caught up, long over due doctors appointments have been made for the boys, my house is less dusty and cluttered, and I've managed to lose 5 pounds. I'm volunteering for projects that bring joy and I'm all around a much happier and less exhausted person. Being in this house all week by myself has afforded me the privilege and long over due conversations with Catherine. It is really hard to talk to a dead person with people around. I'm getting things off my chest that have needed to be said for a year. I listen to music and cook while wearing an apron. I practice the piano whenever I want.

Every day since Tuesday, I have thanked God for giving me this opportunity. I've been praying for something to change for over 6 months. Little did I know that it would mean losing my job, but I have faith that this is the right thing.

Thank you to everyone who has called or text or stopped by to check on me. I will say it makes me laugh when people see me and comment that I look so happy. Well guys, I am happy.

Now, it is back to the kitchen to make sure that tonight's dinner with one of my oldest friends (We met in the FIRST GRADE ya'll!) is fun, relaxed, and delicious.



*Part of me wants to win the lottery so I can live like this forever :) *

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Harsh Truth

In thirteen days, it will mark 4 years since Catherine died. How it can seem like it happened both yesterday and a lifetime ago continues to puzzle me. Four years later and I still struggle with accepting that it wasn’t my fault and that while I want to believe that I could save her, I’ve learned that I’m just not that powerful.  With this terrible milestone approaching, I sit here angry and doing everything in my power to not rage at parents that are spitting in the face of science and the experts that are desperately trying to save lives all because they believe they know what is best for their child. Sure, as parents we believe we know what is right for our children but we also rely on doctors, scientists, and research to ensure we are making the right decision. We are currently faced with a pandemic that went from affecting the older population and those with underlying health conditions a year ago to now affecting our children. I still see the same people saying that it is jus...

Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it. The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not q...

Senior Picture

When Catherine died, I wept to my dear friend about all the things I was going to miss due to her death. Prom, concerts, marching band, senior pictures, graduation, and a million other things. She graciously offered to share her daughter, my daughter's best friend, for some of those events. And she did. This school year, their senior year, I've been to band concerts and band competitions. I've carried on the sticker tradition, bringing Julia a sticker from places we go, just like Catherine would. We've done birthdays and Thanksgiving. In turn, Julia (and so many of Catherine's other friends) have stepped up in so many ways. Whether it be a comforting hug, playing the role of big sister to my boys, including me in school gossip, or sharing stories about Catherine, these kids have brought so much love and comfort to our lives as we grieve the tremendous and profound loss of our daughter. So when Julia's mother handed me a framed photo and envelope the other day,...