Today started out like any other day. I got the kids up and out the door, dropped Henry off at daycare, and headed into work. I sat through my first meeting of the day and was headed into my second meeting when I was called into the HR office. I was informed that my position had been eliminated. Lord was I caught off guard. I was shocked as I walked to my car with a box of my stuff. But I never panicked.
When Catherine died, I went back to work a week later. I felt like I had so much to do and it would be a great distraction. After everything my coworkers did for my family when Catherine died, I needed to be back at work. It was a safe space. So I worked. I would take a day off here and there for "mental health" when some days were too much to handle. But I never really took time off to process what had happened. I focused on my career, my husband, and my children. Sure, I would cry and have outbursts but I would move on and head into the next day. Until I couldn't anymore. As much as I loved my job and my coworkers and the company itself, I just couldn't escape into that space. For the last 4 months, I've been having panic attacks daily. Getting out of bed was hard. Life was taking its toll on me. With everything going on and my deteriorating mental health, I was also trying to give as much attention to Catherine's foundation.
Somewhere in this last year, I forgot about myself. I forgot about my needs and I have been struggling to stay afloat. I felt that after all that had been done for me after Catherine's death, that it would be wrong to quit. I felt like it would be selfish after they had invested so much into me and my family. So when I was told about the elimination of my position, it was as though a weight had lifted off my shoulders.
I left the parking lot and headed to my dearest friend's house while I waited for Josh to call me. As soon as I arrived at her house, we were in planning mode. I still didn't panic. When Josh called, I already had a plan put together (as well as a pending job offer) and I laid it all out for him. I'm taking a sabbatical from working for the next 4 months. I'm going to take care of me. I'm going to focus on my grief and I'm going to take the time to process it. I'm going to throw myself into the foundation, be available for my children and their needs, I'm going to sew and paint and get back to all that I love. I'm going to cook dinner and have time to clean the house. I'm not going to be drowning in my misery any longer while disguising it as a functioning human. I'm going to face it head on and figure out life.
Currently, I'm sitting in Catherine's room, in our shared space, and I'm surrounded by some of her stuff and some of my stuff and I'm happy. Tonight we put Henry's bed together. The one that has been sitting in the corner for 9 months. I cooked dinner and took Max to martial arts. I'm calm. Today was a blessing.
I will always love the company and what they stand for and how they are working each day to provide the freedom of mobility to so many in need. I will miss my coworkers terribly and will take the amazing friendships I've created and continue to feed into those relationships. I will take away everything I learned and everything I did with gratitude. And while I've loved working there the last two years, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that arose today. I'm thinking of it as a "shove from above."
Today, for the first time in a year, life fell into place. And I couldn't be any happier.
When Catherine died, I went back to work a week later. I felt like I had so much to do and it would be a great distraction. After everything my coworkers did for my family when Catherine died, I needed to be back at work. It was a safe space. So I worked. I would take a day off here and there for "mental health" when some days were too much to handle. But I never really took time off to process what had happened. I focused on my career, my husband, and my children. Sure, I would cry and have outbursts but I would move on and head into the next day. Until I couldn't anymore. As much as I loved my job and my coworkers and the company itself, I just couldn't escape into that space. For the last 4 months, I've been having panic attacks daily. Getting out of bed was hard. Life was taking its toll on me. With everything going on and my deteriorating mental health, I was also trying to give as much attention to Catherine's foundation.
Somewhere in this last year, I forgot about myself. I forgot about my needs and I have been struggling to stay afloat. I felt that after all that had been done for me after Catherine's death, that it would be wrong to quit. I felt like it would be selfish after they had invested so much into me and my family. So when I was told about the elimination of my position, it was as though a weight had lifted off my shoulders.
I left the parking lot and headed to my dearest friend's house while I waited for Josh to call me. As soon as I arrived at her house, we were in planning mode. I still didn't panic. When Josh called, I already had a plan put together (as well as a pending job offer) and I laid it all out for him. I'm taking a sabbatical from working for the next 4 months. I'm going to take care of me. I'm going to focus on my grief and I'm going to take the time to process it. I'm going to throw myself into the foundation, be available for my children and their needs, I'm going to sew and paint and get back to all that I love. I'm going to cook dinner and have time to clean the house. I'm not going to be drowning in my misery any longer while disguising it as a functioning human. I'm going to face it head on and figure out life.
Currently, I'm sitting in Catherine's room, in our shared space, and I'm surrounded by some of her stuff and some of my stuff and I'm happy. Tonight we put Henry's bed together. The one that has been sitting in the corner for 9 months. I cooked dinner and took Max to martial arts. I'm calm. Today was a blessing.
I will always love the company and what they stand for and how they are working each day to provide the freedom of mobility to so many in need. I will miss my coworkers terribly and will take the amazing friendships I've created and continue to feed into those relationships. I will take away everything I learned and everything I did with gratitude. And while I've loved working there the last two years, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that arose today. I'm thinking of it as a "shove from above."
Today, for the first time in a year, life fell into place. And I couldn't be any happier.
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