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A Crazy Time Warp

Last week wasn't a good week. Not sure if it was the weather being so cold and grey or if my thoughts and memories got away from me. But it was rough. Last Thursday was Senior night for Lebanon High at the football game. We knew it was coming. But seeing all the photos of Catherine's friends on Facebook, being walked down the football field by their parents, was just a bit much.

So I cried. And I moped around. And then dear friend called and I let it all go. I told her that we are stuck in this time warp where everyone is moving forward and we are just stuck and I cried. No senior night, no prom, no senior photos, no graduation. It all just goes by, and we KNOW that we are supposed to be there but we aren't because Catherine is gone. To be honest, I'm really dreading graduation in May. That was the finish line that Catherine and I set. It was the moment that we got to prove that we did it. We grew up together, she was graduating high school, and I proved everyone wrong. The people that didn't think I could raise Catherine. The same people that thought she wouldn't graduate and would be pregnant like me, at 19 and without a pot to piss in. We were so excited about that moment. Catherine and I spoke of senior night often and how we would be introduced as Josh and I walked her down the field. We discussed her senior pictures. She was going to have half taken at the beach by the same person that did my senior pictures and the other half by one of her favorite teachers, who happened to be an excellent photographer. We had it all planned. We were excited. And then it was all gone. All of our plans were destroyed August 30th, 2017.

The hardest part is that all those plans are still happening but with other parents and their seniors. And so we are stuck. Knowing we should be doing these same things but with no senior to do them with anymore. Yes, I know that Max and Charlie aren't too far from high school but it isn't the same. No one doubted my ability to care for them. To provide for them. But boy did they doubt me with Catherine. It is a really tough place to be, to still feel like such a failure. Like I'm 19 all over again.

However, I'm still grabbing any possible experience I can get. On Saturday, I went to Contest of Champions to cheer on Lebanon High band and to see Catherine's senior band season to the end. It was a beautiful performance and I cried. Partly because she wasn't there and partly because I was so damn proud. I was welcomed with loving arms by the other band parents and I wasn't the only one in tears. It was an amazing end to a chapter of life for the senior parents. After their performance, the kids were all hanging out at the student union at MTSU and so my dear friend and I went to see the kids. Whatever sadness and hurt I had on my heart at that moment disappeared when I saw those amazing band kids. I received countless hugs and looks of shock that I was there. I hung out with the kids and other band parents. And for a brief moment, I forgot that I wasn't a band mom anymore or an interloper. I got closure in that part of my life. And I reminded everyone that I would be back in a year with Max.

The last month and half has been incredibly beneficial to me. My brain is taking a break. I'm not trying to focus on work with a happy face while I'm dying on the inside. I'm able to process feelings instead of waiting until they build up and there is a huge release. I've allowed myself to cry, be mad, and even talk to Catherine. I've also been looking for a job. I can't stay home forever. But every job I'm qualified for gives me anxiety. I fear I'm not ready to take on so much pressure and still function as a wife and mom. So I'm in flux. When Catherine was alive, I knew that I was going to work my ass off and become something great in my industry. When she died, I lost a lot of that drive and I feel like I'm back at square one. Honestly, working at Starbucks or with children or at a boutique feels more comfortable than working in a high stress field. Maybe one day I will get my drive back. But for now, I'm being still and listening for the direction I need to go. 


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