To find a blessing, despite the grief

When my sister and I were little girls (and even as we got older), we would pour over the American Girl doll catalog. I read every book my library had on the American Girl dolls and my sister loved their accessories. We dreamed of having a room full of these dolls with all their stuff.

As we got older, that American Girl doll dream faded to the background. When I had Catherine, I was surprised to find that she wasn't all that into dolls. Until she got to the age of 12 and the AG doll catalog showed up to our house. I had always wanted to get her one but money was tight and it wasn't an option. Over the next 4 years, we would joke about getting our American Girl dolls. Josh and I discussed getting Catherine one the last Christmas she was home before college. That would have been this past Christmas. At almost 18 years old, she would have treasured that doll. But the best laid plans.....

So last Christmas I asked my sister if Josh and I could purchase an American Girl doll for Hadley's 6th birthday. My sister graciously agreed to allow us the divine pleasure of buying this coveted doll for my precious niece. For those of you that don't know me, I adore Hadley. I loved her the moment I laid eyes on her sweet face. It will be 6 years tomorrow that I was shoving my mother out of the way at the hospital to see my very first niece. It has become a mutual love and admiration. With a year worth of planning, my mother and I worked to make a complete wardrobe for Hadley's American Girl Doll that she would get this month. This was going to be a BIG deal.

Tonight, we loaded up with my sister, Emily, and her sweet Hadley, and made the drive to the American Girl doll store in Nashville. She had no idea where we were going, but she knew it was something special. As we approached the mall, I admitted to being nervous for some reason. Maybe it was the excitement, maybe it was sadness, I didn't know. Emily very sweetly said that this may be cathartic in some way. For me, one of the hardest parts of grief is finding the blessings and hope in all the sadness and loss.

We walked Hadley into the AG store and her eyes lit up. I explained that this was a special store and that for her birthday, she could pick out any doll she wanted. And off she went. We looked at every display case, every doll, all clothing, any accessories, and found ourselves in a wonderful place. My husband told me later this evening that he caught both Emily and myself looking longingly at the few remaining dolls from our catalogs all those years ago.

We came across this doll. It took my breath away. If it had curly hair, I would have cried right there. It was the doll I knew Catherine would have chosen. And for me, it was as though she was there, giving me peace and an acknowledgement that it was all okay.

The flute stand and book are exactly like Catherine's

After much searching and thinking and decision making, Hadley found her American Girl doll. We all sort of thought she would get a doll that looked like her. One with brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. But she surprised us all with a blonde hair, blue eyed, fair skin doll. She picked out a doggie companion for her doll and Uncle Josh slipped the dog bed on the checkout counter at the last minute. We paid and they unboxed that beautiful doll for my Hadley. Oh how her beautiful brown eyes lit up. She asked questions and learned how to properly care for her doll. She lovingly and gingerly carried her out to the car. She sat like a statue on the car ride back home. It was almost as though she couldn't believe it and if she moved, it would have been all a dream. She thanked us all, numerous times.

Hadley and her mom (my sister)

So I didn't get to buy Catherine an American Girl doll. And that is okay. It wasn't meant to be. But the blessing in all this was watching Hadley show the same excitement that her mother and I shared all those years ago. And the best part of all, I got to share this with my sister. Almost 30 years later and our dreams somewhat came true. I suspect that this doll will be well loved and dressed to the nines all the time! Hadley is coming next week to shop in Nene's fabric stash so we can make her and the doll matching outfits. Because as she reminded me more than once tonight, Nene is SO stylish. But she also reminded me just how blessed we are to have that shining light in our lives.

That bag is as big as Hadley!