Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it.

The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not quite knowing when this will be over, our emotions are starting to really show.

If you have lost someone you love very much, then you are familiar with grief. However, there is so much more to it than just the death of a person. We grieve the loss of a future. We grieve the loss of the life we thought we would have with that someone we loved so very much. If you haven’t experienced such a loss, then you may not know that what you are currently feeling is actually grief.

We are all grieving the loss of something. And no one person’s grief is greater than another.

Did you have to cancel your spring break or summer vacation? The vacation you had dreamed of, planned, and saved for? If you are upset, you have every right to be! You can grieve the loss of that trip or opportunities for making memories. Grieve the loss of the paid time off you had planned to use but now have to rely on that time to make ends meet because you may be losing your job.

Is your high school or college graduation been postponed or canceled? Was it your child’s high school or college graduation? Guys, that is tragic. All the hard work and the light was at the end of the tunnel. But it turned out that light was the COVID-19 Train? Seriously, grieve the hell out of it. Sure, it may be postponed but it won’t be the same. You have every right to feel all the feelings.

Did you lose your job? The job you loved and worked so hard to succeed? Cry. Yell. Grieve. It’s okay.

What about spending your entire adult life on a career that you thought was meaningful and important, only to be told you are non-essential? That stuff hurts. Honestly, that is where I am right now. Logically, it makes total sense. Unfortunately, grief isn’t all that logical. It hurts like hell to know that what I have poured the last two years into growing is deemed non-essential. To me, it was essential. Grieve that loss.

What about that business you started and have grown to be successful, only to have to shut down. Or what about the business you just started? Barely got your feet off the ground and you have to shut it down. Grieve that loss. Be scared. Be mad. Be sad.

What about the family and friends you can’t see or hug? Sure, they are still there but we can’t visit with them. Phone conversations and Zoom conferences are great but it doesn’t replace that physical contact we may need. My boys are constantly asking for hugs throughout the day. The further we get into this thing, the more hugs are requested. Henry, my precocious 4 ½ year old that rarely stops moving, has asked to snuggle with someone in the house multiple times a day. We could be in the yard playing and he will randomly ask to snuggle. Our kids are missing their friends and family too. We are grieving the loss of human contact. And that is okay.  

What about the students that didn’t get to say goodbye to their teachers? Or the teachers that didn’t get to hug their students one last time. Some had warning, others didn’t. On Monday, March 2^nd, students and teachers in Middle Tennessee came home from school with the understanding they would be at school the next day. They left their band instrument, sports equipment, favorite picture, lucky item, etc. at their school because they would be back the next day. No one knew a tornado would rip through Nashville, Mt. Juliet, Lebanon, and Cookeville, Tennessee that night. No one imagined that their school would be destroyed, losing their precious items and memories. School was closed for Wilson County, where I reside, on March 3^rd for the rest of that week. The week after was spring break. SO we had two weeks off. But then we were off another week for preventive measure regarding COVID-19 and that turned into another week. There are a lot of us (me included) that thought we would go back to school at the beginning of April. But then we learned that school was to remain closed until April 24^th, and then finally until April 30^th. We still don’t know when we will be back.

On March 2^nd, we spent our second day at Byars Dowdy Elementary School with our Instrument Petting Zoo. We had planned and scheduled for weeks. For me, it is one of my most favorite things I get to do with the Catherine’s Orchestra for All. We left on that Monday, looking forward to the next day's classes. We didn’t go back and we didn’t see the students. It was another 2 ½ weeks before I went to the school to pack up our instruments. I was still holding out hope that we would be back at school in no time and could pick up where we left off. I’m grieving the loss of that Instrument Petting Zoo schedule.

To some, that lost vacation may seem like nothing compared to the loss of their child’s high school graduation. To others, they may feel ridiculous for grieving something they worry that others will deem trivial. No one person’s grief is greater than another person. It is just different. But maybe recognizing that what you are feeling is grief, may help you moving forward.

With each day that passes and COVID-19 is becoming more and more uncertain, as events are canceled, as the future of other events are unknown, I have to remind myself that this is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. Just like with Catherine’s death. I was in a big hurry to be done with grief. It hurt so badly and I thought if I went through the stages as fast as possible, it would be over. Yeah, that isn’t even remotely how grief works. COVID-19, just like grief, is going to be a marathon; not a sprint. I’m learning to take one day at a time, work on things I love, push other things to the back burner, and allow myself grace and permission to grieve. If there is something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do, finally have the time, but have lost the desire to learn; that is okay.

The reality of grief is that it's fickle. Unpredictable. Painful. Give yourself permission to feel all the feels and allow yourself grace. You are not alone. Remember that the people stayed apart so the world could come together.