After a wonderful weekend away, we have decided that Catherine is everywhere. Especially when we need her the most.
On Friday, as we were getting ready, she made her presence known. I was standing in the hallway checking my list and saw someone standing in the kitchen out of the corner of my eye. About 30 minutes earlier, I had borrowed a shirt from Catherine's closet. I turned to my right, thinking it was Josh in the kitchen, and no one was there. I said, "I see you there, yes I borrowed your shirt, yes you are coming with us, I love you." A few minutes later, I was finishing up as Josh was loading the final items into the car. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by the smell of Catherine. I looked up the stairs to see if her door was open, it wasn't. I walked outside and started to tell Josh he was going to think I was crazy, and he was standing by the van, looking at a butterfly. A few moments earlier, it had flown right into his face. We realized our girl was making sure she wasn't left at home. Josh went inside to get her box of ashes and buckled her into the car. She was there when we needed her. At times it has felt wrong to get away and have a good time. We feel like we should be grieving 24/7 but we are reminded that she wants us to get away and have fun, as long as she is included.
The drive to the mountains was relaxing and uneventful. We laughed and caught up on stuff that had been overlooked due to all the chaos. We only got lost once and made it to the condo. It was perfect and better than I could have ever imagined. A beautiful fireplace, a huge whirlpool tub (I totally want one!!), and a comfy bed met us when we arrived. Catherine was placed on the table and we went to dinner. We laughed some more and slept quite a bit that night. Grief is exhausting.
Saturday was a lazy morning and we finally made it to breakfast at one of our favorite places. As we ate our massive breakfast at the Apple Barn Farmhouse, we made plans to go to the Christmas store and winery while there. As we walked to the Christmas store, it dawned on me that I hadn't thought about ornaments this year. We always buy the kids an ornament so that when they leave home, they have ornaments to have on their first Christmas tree. I asked Josh what we were to do with all her ornaments and do we keep buying her an ornament each year? Again, this stuff isn't in the non-existent guidebook to losing a teenager. We decided not to think about it and just handle it as it happens. We were able to find the perfect ornament for each boy. As we were heading to the register, we both stopped and saw the sign we were looking for during our ornament shopping. On top of a shelf was a beautiful white ornament with a hand painted sun that said "You are my Sunshine." We knew we had to get it but the price was insane! It cost as much as all 4 boys' ornaments combined. Josh said he didn't care, that ornament was coming home with us. She always did have expensive taste. She is everywhere, especially when we need her the most.
It was decided that we were going to head to the Arts and Crafts Community Loop in Gatlinburg. I was desperate for some inspiration. I haven't used a sewing machine since August 29th. When the detective questioned us the morning of the 30th, I was surrounded by all my sewing machines and various projects I was working on at the time. I haven't been able to pull any of it back out since then. As we headed into the loop, I saw a Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum. Josh made a quick right into the parking lot and we headed in to see the 20,000 sets of shakers. It was magical. Catherine would have loved it. We needed to be there. Especially after the Cracker Barrel incident. Knowing she was never going to buy me another salt and pepper shaker made me so sad. Seeing all those sets made me realize how much I love my little collection. At the gift shop, I found a set that I've always wanted but thought to be inappropriate. Catherine would have bought them for me and Josh knew it, and he bought them. She was there when I needed her, again. Through the rest of the loop, I found the inspiration I was looking for and a quilt pattern was purchased. I started sewing by making quilts and I think it is time to get back to straight lines and the basics.
Later that evening we were at the Gap when we got the news that LHS Band made finals at MCI. They have never made it before and it was huge. Catherine swore this was their year and I spoke about it at her funeral. I excused myself from the store and went out to cry on a bench. The feelings were all hitting at once. I was so excited that they made finals but I wanted her to be the one to text me and tell me, because she was there. It was a quick release of emotions and it felt good. Sometimes a good cry is nice. It lasted a few minutes and then I was fine. And then I heard one of our favorite songs playing and smiled. It was another Ingrid Michaelson song and one that we loved. "Maybe" has lyrics that were so appropriate and brought peace. Look up the lyrics, you will understand. And oh God, I hope she comes back. She was there. Again. At dinner, about an hour later, we heard another Ingrid song, "Be Okay," and it happened to be playing about the time LHS Band was performing in finals.
There so many other moments that happened this weekend. We met a girl named Madeline who told us her mother was named Catherine. We saw butterflies when we least expected them. She was busy this weekend. Between being at MCI and the mountains, she is doing what she always loved. She is finally a social butterfly with all the time in the world. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe these are all coincidences. I really don't care. They bring such joy. Especially when I need it the most.
Before we got in the car to head home, I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends. We met in the 1st grade and have remained friends all these years. She had been in for a visit a few months ago for business. I was surprised when she called. She asked me what size pajamas I wore and what would be a movie or show I would binge watch. Man, I was so confused. She finally confessed that she had been working with Josh the last month to plan a visit. In 13 days, she will be driving in from Indiana where she will kidnap me for part of the weekend. She got us a hotel room, matching pj's, and is bringing NKOTB for us to listen to! PLUS, we are making pillow forts. Like we did when we were little. I was shocked and overjoyed. I'm so excited and feel so loved. I can't believe this was all planned without my knowledge. This is the stuff I need. My fear is that as time passes, people are going to drift away and think they aren't needed. The further we get away from the day she died, the more we need people. The longer we go, the more we are hit with milestones and moments of sadness. We don't want to be stuck in this pit of despair by ourselves. We need people to pull us out every now and then.
As if that wasn't a big enough weekend, we got home to find quite a few surprises. And honestly, we were SUPER confused. Our front hedges were trimmed, our front beds were mulched, mums and pumpkins adorned our front steps, our house was clean, and there was a new toilet in our living room. Boy did we feel loved! It took some investigative work to figure out who did what but we think we have a good grasp on it. Guys, you are awesome. You are the helpers and you showed up and did something we didn't even realize we needed. Again, you pull us out of the pit of despair and help us realize we aren't alone. We feel loved. Thank you.
Our perfect weekend has come to an end. We snuggled with the boys, unpacked our goodies, and feel like we are a bit back to center. We are reminded constantly that while Catherine isn't here with us, she is everywhere. I want her back so badly and I miss her more and more each day. The hole in my heart will likely be there forever but as long as she makes her presence known every so often, I'm going to be okay.
On Friday, as we were getting ready, she made her presence known. I was standing in the hallway checking my list and saw someone standing in the kitchen out of the corner of my eye. About 30 minutes earlier, I had borrowed a shirt from Catherine's closet. I turned to my right, thinking it was Josh in the kitchen, and no one was there. I said, "I see you there, yes I borrowed your shirt, yes you are coming with us, I love you." A few minutes later, I was finishing up as Josh was loading the final items into the car. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by the smell of Catherine. I looked up the stairs to see if her door was open, it wasn't. I walked outside and started to tell Josh he was going to think I was crazy, and he was standing by the van, looking at a butterfly. A few moments earlier, it had flown right into his face. We realized our girl was making sure she wasn't left at home. Josh went inside to get her box of ashes and buckled her into the car. She was there when we needed her. At times it has felt wrong to get away and have a good time. We feel like we should be grieving 24/7 but we are reminded that she wants us to get away and have fun, as long as she is included.
The drive to the mountains was relaxing and uneventful. We laughed and caught up on stuff that had been overlooked due to all the chaos. We only got lost once and made it to the condo. It was perfect and better than I could have ever imagined. A beautiful fireplace, a huge whirlpool tub (I totally want one!!), and a comfy bed met us when we arrived. Catherine was placed on the table and we went to dinner. We laughed some more and slept quite a bit that night. Grief is exhausting.
Saturday was a lazy morning and we finally made it to breakfast at one of our favorite places. As we ate our massive breakfast at the Apple Barn Farmhouse, we made plans to go to the Christmas store and winery while there. As we walked to the Christmas store, it dawned on me that I hadn't thought about ornaments this year. We always buy the kids an ornament so that when they leave home, they have ornaments to have on their first Christmas tree. I asked Josh what we were to do with all her ornaments and do we keep buying her an ornament each year? Again, this stuff isn't in the non-existent guidebook to losing a teenager. We decided not to think about it and just handle it as it happens. We were able to find the perfect ornament for each boy. As we were heading to the register, we both stopped and saw the sign we were looking for during our ornament shopping. On top of a shelf was a beautiful white ornament with a hand painted sun that said "You are my Sunshine." We knew we had to get it but the price was insane! It cost as much as all 4 boys' ornaments combined. Josh said he didn't care, that ornament was coming home with us. She always did have expensive taste. She is everywhere, especially when we need her the most.
It was decided that we were going to head to the Arts and Crafts Community Loop in Gatlinburg. I was desperate for some inspiration. I haven't used a sewing machine since August 29th. When the detective questioned us the morning of the 30th, I was surrounded by all my sewing machines and various projects I was working on at the time. I haven't been able to pull any of it back out since then. As we headed into the loop, I saw a Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum. Josh made a quick right into the parking lot and we headed in to see the 20,000 sets of shakers. It was magical. Catherine would have loved it. We needed to be there. Especially after the Cracker Barrel incident. Knowing she was never going to buy me another salt and pepper shaker made me so sad. Seeing all those sets made me realize how much I love my little collection. At the gift shop, I found a set that I've always wanted but thought to be inappropriate. Catherine would have bought them for me and Josh knew it, and he bought them. She was there when I needed her, again. Through the rest of the loop, I found the inspiration I was looking for and a quilt pattern was purchased. I started sewing by making quilts and I think it is time to get back to straight lines and the basics.
Later that evening we were at the Gap when we got the news that LHS Band made finals at MCI. They have never made it before and it was huge. Catherine swore this was their year and I spoke about it at her funeral. I excused myself from the store and went out to cry on a bench. The feelings were all hitting at once. I was so excited that they made finals but I wanted her to be the one to text me and tell me, because she was there. It was a quick release of emotions and it felt good. Sometimes a good cry is nice. It lasted a few minutes and then I was fine. And then I heard one of our favorite songs playing and smiled. It was another Ingrid Michaelson song and one that we loved. "Maybe" has lyrics that were so appropriate and brought peace. Look up the lyrics, you will understand. And oh God, I hope she comes back. She was there. Again. At dinner, about an hour later, we heard another Ingrid song, "Be Okay," and it happened to be playing about the time LHS Band was performing in finals.
There so many other moments that happened this weekend. We met a girl named Madeline who told us her mother was named Catherine. We saw butterflies when we least expected them. She was busy this weekend. Between being at MCI and the mountains, she is doing what she always loved. She is finally a social butterfly with all the time in the world. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe these are all coincidences. I really don't care. They bring such joy. Especially when I need it the most.
Before we got in the car to head home, I got a phone call from one of my oldest friends. We met in the 1st grade and have remained friends all these years. She had been in for a visit a few months ago for business. I was surprised when she called. She asked me what size pajamas I wore and what would be a movie or show I would binge watch. Man, I was so confused. She finally confessed that she had been working with Josh the last month to plan a visit. In 13 days, she will be driving in from Indiana where she will kidnap me for part of the weekend. She got us a hotel room, matching pj's, and is bringing NKOTB for us to listen to! PLUS, we are making pillow forts. Like we did when we were little. I was shocked and overjoyed. I'm so excited and feel so loved. I can't believe this was all planned without my knowledge. This is the stuff I need. My fear is that as time passes, people are going to drift away and think they aren't needed. The further we get away from the day she died, the more we need people. The longer we go, the more we are hit with milestones and moments of sadness. We don't want to be stuck in this pit of despair by ourselves. We need people to pull us out every now and then.
As if that wasn't a big enough weekend, we got home to find quite a few surprises. And honestly, we were SUPER confused. Our front hedges were trimmed, our front beds were mulched, mums and pumpkins adorned our front steps, our house was clean, and there was a new toilet in our living room. Boy did we feel loved! It took some investigative work to figure out who did what but we think we have a good grasp on it. Guys, you are awesome. You are the helpers and you showed up and did something we didn't even realize we needed. Again, you pull us out of the pit of despair and help us realize we aren't alone. We feel loved. Thank you.
Our perfect weekend has come to an end. We snuggled with the boys, unpacked our goodies, and feel like we are a bit back to center. We are reminded constantly that while Catherine isn't here with us, she is everywhere. I want her back so badly and I miss her more and more each day. The hole in my heart will likely be there forever but as long as she makes her presence known every so often, I'm going to be okay.
We still buy Hannah a new ornament every year. Each year the right one just jumps out at us. We also have the "Hannah Tree". This tree is so very special filled with love from people whose lives she touched. Invite family and friends to find an ornament that screams "Catherine" to them and give it to your family. That tree will forever be a blessing to you all. :)
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