When Catherine died we immediately started taking inventory of her stuff. We found her car keys, wallet, backpack, and other items that could give us clues as to what happened. She had done her laundry the night before, she left her band bag in the car since she had late practice, she brought her backpack in and did her homework. The one thing we couldn't find were all her flutes. It stressed us out. They were her prized possession.
When I started band many, many years ago, my parents got me a flute. It was a Selmer and pretty nice. It was the flute that I learned on until my parents bought me a REALLY nice flute. When Catherine started playing the flute, I gave her my Selmer. It made sense. Through the years, my dad bought her a Baldwin that played better than the Selmer. On her 15th birthday he bought her the same REALLY nice flute that he got me at that age, and on her 16th birthday my dad bought her a piccolo. That is a total of 4 flutes and a piccolo in this house. Initially we only found the Baldwin and the piccolo. A few days later we found the REALLY nice flute in her car. But the Selmer was missing. We asked the band director and other band kids if it was in the band room. We searched her room. We searched the house. It was no where to be found. The whole situation stressed me out and made me so sad. See, despite having all those nicer flutes, she still played that Selmer. I like to think it meant something to her.
This week I was reminded that Catherine had done a fundraiser a few months back and had sold some items for band. So I checked with her best friend to see if they had received the orders. They apparently came in weeks ago. Julia promised she would look into it on Thursday. Julia and Catherine were two peas in a pod and of course that sweet child forgot to check on the fundraiser items. She remembered today and let me know that she had them. I also reminded her about the flute. I described the case again and Julia went on a mission to find it. Soon after I received a photo of the flute. She found it. I got the message in the middle of a meeting and burst into tears. What was lost was found. And she had Catherine's band photo. I ran out of work to the High School because I needed my hands on that flute. I wasn't going to let it get lost again. When I walked in the band room, Julia was waiting for me and handed me the flute. I teared up a little. And then I saw her band photo. Catherine was in her uniform, holding her piccolo, with that huge smile that made her eyes disappeared. It was the photo of one happy child. My child.
While what was lost, now is found, nothing everything is found. I have found that I was losing myself. The last 2 months have been me going through the motions. I've been here but not present. I've felt so lost. My role in this house has completely changed. My goals have changed. It is no longer about raising a teenager into a successful woman. It is no longer about getting her into college. That was my life. It was all about Catherine. I'm lost. And during all this, I'm fighting this grief personality. This horrible personality that is fighting to take over. But I'm fighting back even harder.
I'm back to sewing again. It was a struggle and very scary but I did it. The last 48 hours have produced 2 complete outfits. Charlie sat with me for the first outfit and kept me company like Catherine would. Henry and I played with power tools and he learned to use a staple gun. Max is coming to me with girl problems and issues with his hair. I feel like I've been in a coma and I'm starting to wake up a little.
So while we found that missing flute, we are still working to find ourselves.
When I started band many, many years ago, my parents got me a flute. It was a Selmer and pretty nice. It was the flute that I learned on until my parents bought me a REALLY nice flute. When Catherine started playing the flute, I gave her my Selmer. It made sense. Through the years, my dad bought her a Baldwin that played better than the Selmer. On her 15th birthday he bought her the same REALLY nice flute that he got me at that age, and on her 16th birthday my dad bought her a piccolo. That is a total of 4 flutes and a piccolo in this house. Initially we only found the Baldwin and the piccolo. A few days later we found the REALLY nice flute in her car. But the Selmer was missing. We asked the band director and other band kids if it was in the band room. We searched her room. We searched the house. It was no where to be found. The whole situation stressed me out and made me so sad. See, despite having all those nicer flutes, she still played that Selmer. I like to think it meant something to her.
This week I was reminded that Catherine had done a fundraiser a few months back and had sold some items for band. So I checked with her best friend to see if they had received the orders. They apparently came in weeks ago. Julia promised she would look into it on Thursday. Julia and Catherine were two peas in a pod and of course that sweet child forgot to check on the fundraiser items. She remembered today and let me know that she had them. I also reminded her about the flute. I described the case again and Julia went on a mission to find it. Soon after I received a photo of the flute. She found it. I got the message in the middle of a meeting and burst into tears. What was lost was found. And she had Catherine's band photo. I ran out of work to the High School because I needed my hands on that flute. I wasn't going to let it get lost again. When I walked in the band room, Julia was waiting for me and handed me the flute. I teared up a little. And then I saw her band photo. Catherine was in her uniform, holding her piccolo, with that huge smile that made her eyes disappeared. It was the photo of one happy child. My child.
While what was lost, now is found, nothing everything is found. I have found that I was losing myself. The last 2 months have been me going through the motions. I've been here but not present. I've felt so lost. My role in this house has completely changed. My goals have changed. It is no longer about raising a teenager into a successful woman. It is no longer about getting her into college. That was my life. It was all about Catherine. I'm lost. And during all this, I'm fighting this grief personality. This horrible personality that is fighting to take over. But I'm fighting back even harder.
I'm back to sewing again. It was a struggle and very scary but I did it. The last 48 hours have produced 2 complete outfits. Charlie sat with me for the first outfit and kept me company like Catherine would. Henry and I played with power tools and he learned to use a staple gun. Max is coming to me with girl problems and issues with his hair. I feel like I've been in a coma and I'm starting to wake up a little.
So while we found that missing flute, we are still working to find ourselves.
I am not the person I was before. I'm irretrievably changed. Not broken. But different. I'm not a grief persona. Nor am I the innocent Pollyanna who saw only sunshine and rainbows. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was or knew I could be. I'm not better. I'm not worse. I'm pieces of the "old" me, but new and different. Learning to be comfortable with that was really hard.
ReplyDeleteI hope that makes sense.
And, I'm so so so glad the flute was found. And the sewing. HUGE HUGE HUGE milestone. Wow.