The Reality of Grief

I have dreaded the holidays since the week after Catherine died when I realized the magnitude of her loss. We have done most of it our way while trying to keep traditions alive. On Christmas Eve every year, we go to the service at First Presbyterian Church. It is a beautiful candlelit service and Catherine always played her flute and sang in the choir. I can hardly remember a time that I didn't go to that service. We started going the year I was nine. This year I couldn't do it. There was no way. In fact, I can hardly step foot into that church without wanting to cry. The church where we all said goodbye the day of her funeral. So we decided that we needed to make a new memory. The president of my company was quite gracious and allowed us to have 4 tickets to the Titans game on Christmas Eve....in the corporate box, complete with tailgating, food, soda, and a dessert cart. To say Max and Charlie were surprised was an understatement. They were so distracted by the excitement t...

I speak often of how much I love my coworkers. I love my job and everything about it. My coworkers have been there for me and my family since the day Catherine died. They started showing up the moment they found out. And since that day they have continued to be there. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to properly thank them for all they have done. God knew what he was doing when I started at Permobil.  On Monday, my coworker John asked if I was going to be at work all week. I told him that I was taking Thursday and Friday off to mentally prepare for Christmas. He said that a few of my coworkers had something for me that they wanted to deliver to the house and asked if they could come by Friday after work. I was puzzled but agreed. This morning the weather was terrible and John asked if there was any way I could come up to the office for them to give me something. It turned out to be a great idea because there were a ton of people that worked on this plan the past month and I...

A number of years ago, I took a trip to Amsterdam with some of my college classmates. I speak of this trip often and people comment about how I must have really enjoyed the Red Light District and coffee shops. I won't lie, it was fun. But I also visited fine art museums and saw buildings older than our country. The most profound part of the trip was the visit to the Anne Frank House. This visit has stuck with me almost 8 years later. For those of you that haven't been, you walk through the house and see the rooms where the families stayed. You saw furniture and the Academy Award that was won by Shelly Winters. It was amazing to me that these people lived in such tiny quarters for such a long period of time. Towards the end of the tour, you come into a room that takes your breath away. On one wall is a massive mural of the bodies at Auschwitz and on the wall across from the mural is a television that plays an interview with Otto Frank. I remember putting my sunglasses on because...

Last Saturday night was my company's Christmas party. It also happened to be the 50th anniversary of the company. My company's Christmas party is quite legendary. They spare no expense to make sure that we have a wonderful and decadent time. The attire is quite dressy and the week before the party, we all chat about what we are wearing. I've looked forward to it all year. The party was at RocketTown in downtown Nashville, the after party was at Acme Feed and Seed (badass bar), and there were hotels to get if you so desired. We booked a hotel and planned to have an amazing night. And we did. Josh looked amazing and I went to my sister to get my hair cut, colored, and fixed for the night. My outfit was decided upon at the last minute and I actually applied makeup. Sandy let me borrow her pearls and it was all so fancy. As we got dressed at the hotel, I took off my necklace with all the Catherine charms and put on the pearls. I felt different. It was the first time I had ta...

The last 24 hours have been rough. I'm suffering from a terrible grief hangover. I've gotten really good at keeping everything bottled up and buried pretty deep. I feel like the world is looking at me on how to act. My children, husband, family, friends, coworkers. If I'm sad, then they are sad. If I'm happy, they are happy. So I try to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, it isn't working. Last night's meltdown was long over due. I'm dealing with incredible guilt and grief and sadness. Christmas is coming and there are presents showing up for the kids and nothing is coming for Catherine. She always helped me wrap gifts. She helped the boys pick out gifts for me and Josh. Once again her absence is obvious. Most days it doesn't hurt so bad because I feel her with me. But the moment I need her here, the sadness is overwhelming. I'm tired. Grief is all consuming. I cried all last night and into the morning. Everyone that saw me today knew that there wa...

What do you get when you have an almost 12 year old that recently lost his 16 year old sister AND read the book "Freak the Mighty" at school (spoiler alert: the small and sickly boy dies) AND has a chronic illness? You get a child that is afraid of dying before they turn 16 years old. That is our latest battle. Maxwell is terrified that he is going to die young. With missing half his immune system, it is a real fear for him anyway. He has always feared dying young. Despite us telling him that he is being treated with amazing (and expensive) medicine that is keeping him well, the fear is in the back of his mind. Add on that Catherine unexpectedly died at 16, and you have a recipe for one scared child. So what do you do? You call the amazing pediatrician that has treated all your children and explain the situation. He has an appointment on Monday for a "physical" and some assurance from the doctor that he is fine. After telling Max that he had an appointment with ...

Today was a tough and emotional day. Normally it would have been a day of chaos, when Catherine was here. It was the Lebanon Christmas Parade, Recital Day, and Keyboards at Christmas at the church. Catherine participated in all three and it was an insane Sunday. We would grab her as soon as she got done with the parade, race to the recital, do a very quick change from uniform to recital dress. After the recital she would race with my mother to Keyboards at Christmas. All those events still took place but without Catherine, there was no stress or drama. When we got to the recital, I grabbed a program and sat down. It was weird being in that church without Catherine. We always played the flute choir together at the end. Betty asked me last weekend if I was still going to play. My gut reaction was no but I decided to do it. By Monday, I was freaking out and did what any 36 year old grown woman would do, I called my sister and asked her to play with me up there. Betty told me that you ca...

Through this process, I've found that we can be irrational at times. Certain places we can't go or songs we refuse to listen to or food we don't want to cook because it all reminds us so heavily of Catherine. We ate at Red Robin tonight and I looked over at a booth that Josh, Catherine, Henry, and myself all sat at a year ago. The memories are hard. We save everything associated with her. Pill bottles with her name on them are in the "too hard" box under the bed. School papers are tucked into drawers. Handwritten cards and notes are still on the fridge. We save everything. Most of it ends up in the "too hard" box and I'm starting to wonder if everything is too hard or do we need a bigger box because it is filled to the brim. We don't dare throw anything away that has anything to do with Catherine. Josh refused to shave or cut his hair. It has been over three months and my husband looked pretty hairy. His beard was bushy and long and his hair ...