Skip to main content

Christmas is coming, the grief is getting fat

The last 24 hours have been rough. I'm suffering from a terrible grief hangover. I've gotten really good at keeping everything bottled up and buried pretty deep. I feel like the world is looking at me on how to act. My children, husband, family, friends, coworkers. If I'm sad, then they are sad. If I'm happy, they are happy. So I try to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, it isn't working.

Last night's meltdown was long over due. I'm dealing with incredible guilt and grief and sadness. Christmas is coming and there are presents showing up for the kids and nothing is coming for Catherine. She always helped me wrap gifts. She helped the boys pick out gifts for me and Josh. Once again her absence is obvious. Most days it doesn't hurt so bad because I feel her with me. But the moment I need her here, the sadness is overwhelming. I'm tired. Grief is all consuming. I cried all last night and into the morning. Everyone that saw me today knew that there was something wrong. I couldn't even speak without crying. I'm overwhelmed with the grief that comes with our first Christmas without my daughter.

I miss her. I miss her so very much and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go on like this for the rest of my life. The thought exhausts me.

I've spent a lot of time the last two weeks dealing with the boys and their mental health. Charlie is being medicated and the difference is great. He is less anxious and better able to explain his grief to us. Max's medicine was changed this week to something a bit better suited for him. We are also putting him in martial arts. He's angry and anxious and needs a place to go. And while they are doing well with medical intervention, in some ways it feels like a failure as their mom because I couldn't fix it. But at the end of the day, whatever makes them feel better is worth it.

The last 24 hours have been awful. I was sent home from work because I just couldn't keep it together. It was obvious that I was in pain and grieving hard. I feel for my new bosses. Not sure they signed up for this side of me. My coworkers were kind as always and didn't make a huge deal out of the tears today.

I know this is rambling but it where I am right now. Christmas is coming and the grief is getting worse. I ask that you pray for us. Don't be afraid to stop by. Honestly, we have become hermits but visitors are nice. Just pray that are able to get these kids through this time. That we are able to survive this time.

Comments

  1. GingerDecember 16, 2017 at 5:24 PM

    I'm so sorry about Catherine passing and about the effects of such deepening grief on you and your boys. Though not very religious, I have been doing my version of praying for you since I first began reading your blog. You are in my thoughts daily. From what you have shared about Catherine I feel that she would not want you to be in such terrible emotional pain, just as you would not want her to suffer so badly if it had been you who passed so suddenly. I hope that a virtual hug from a stranger helps you a tiny bit. (Hug)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Harsh Truth

In thirteen days, it will mark 4 years since Catherine died. How it can seem like it happened both yesterday and a lifetime ago continues to puzzle me. Four years later and I still struggle with accepting that it wasn’t my fault and that while I want to believe that I could save her, I’ve learned that I’m just not that powerful.  With this terrible milestone approaching, I sit here angry and doing everything in my power to not rage at parents that are spitting in the face of science and the experts that are desperately trying to save lives all because they believe they know what is best for their child. Sure, as parents we believe we know what is right for our children but we also rely on doctors, scientists, and research to ensure we are making the right decision. We are currently faced with a pandemic that went from affecting the older population and those with underlying health conditions a year ago to now affecting our children. I still see the same people saying that it is jus...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Chain

One of Catherine's favorite songs was "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson. I printed off the music for the piano and I learned to play it and then she would sing. Her voice always amazed me. At some point she taught herself the piano part and recorded herself singing and playing that lovely song. I didn't find the video until after she died. I've watched it numerous times. Since her death, things that used to bring me joy, don't bring me joy anymore. I'm not able to read for pleasure.  Music is a hard one too. For those of you that don't know, I play the piano and flute. We played together a lot. Catherine and I bonded over music. We shared our favorite songs. Listening to the radio is scary because I'm fearful that one of our songs will play. So I listen to NPR instead. When the detective questioned us about Catherine that morning, he did it in the dining room while I was surrounded by all my sewing stuff. So now the idea of sewing brings me dread....
3 comments
Read more

Welcome to Grief

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on my blog. Nothing really seemed important enough to take the time to sit and write. But in light of recent events, I’m faced with grief and the reality of it, all over again. If you aren’t familiar with my story, I suggest you start at the beginning of this blog. I’m not an expert on grief but I’m way too familiar with it. The definition of grief varies but Merriam – Webster defines it as (a) deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement; (b) a cause of such suffering. Notice how it isn’t specific to death? That’s because grief is something we experience when we lose someone or something. I’ve noticed a wide variety of emotions and posts on social media in the last few weeks. When this COVID-19 thing started, I don’t think any of us were prepared for what was to come. With more numbers coming out regarding positive cases and unfortunate deaths, as well as mixed messages regarding social distancing and not q...
Post a Comment
Read more