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Christmas is coming, the grief is getting fat

The last 24 hours have been rough. I'm suffering from a terrible grief hangover. I've gotten really good at keeping everything bottled up and buried pretty deep. I feel like the world is looking at me on how to act. My children, husband, family, friends, coworkers. If I'm sad, then they are sad. If I'm happy, they are happy. So I try to put on a happy face. Unfortunately, it isn't working.

Last night's meltdown was long over due. I'm dealing with incredible guilt and grief and sadness. Christmas is coming and there are presents showing up for the kids and nothing is coming for Catherine. She always helped me wrap gifts. She helped the boys pick out gifts for me and Josh. Once again her absence is obvious. Most days it doesn't hurt so bad because I feel her with me. But the moment I need her here, the sadness is overwhelming. I'm tired. Grief is all consuming. I cried all last night and into the morning. Everyone that saw me today knew that there was something wrong. I couldn't even speak without crying. I'm overwhelmed with the grief that comes with our first Christmas without my daughter.

I miss her. I miss her so very much and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go on like this for the rest of my life. The thought exhausts me.

I've spent a lot of time the last two weeks dealing with the boys and their mental health. Charlie is being medicated and the difference is great. He is less anxious and better able to explain his grief to us. Max's medicine was changed this week to something a bit better suited for him. We are also putting him in martial arts. He's angry and anxious and needs a place to go. And while they are doing well with medical intervention, in some ways it feels like a failure as their mom because I couldn't fix it. But at the end of the day, whatever makes them feel better is worth it.

The last 24 hours have been awful. I was sent home from work because I just couldn't keep it together. It was obvious that I was in pain and grieving hard. I feel for my new bosses. Not sure they signed up for this side of me. My coworkers were kind as always and didn't make a huge deal out of the tears today.

I know this is rambling but it where I am right now. Christmas is coming and the grief is getting worse. I ask that you pray for us. Don't be afraid to stop by. Honestly, we have become hermits but visitors are nice. Just pray that are able to get these kids through this time. That we are able to survive this time.

Comments

  1. GingerDecember 16, 2017 at 5:24 PM

    I'm so sorry about Catherine passing and about the effects of such deepening grief on you and your boys. Though not very religious, I have been doing my version of praying for you since I first began reading your blog. You are in my thoughts daily. From what you have shared about Catherine I feel that she would not want you to be in such terrible emotional pain, just as you would not want her to suffer so badly if it had been you who passed so suddenly. I hope that a virtual hug from a stranger helps you a tiny bit. (Hug)

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