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Another Closing Chapter

I realize that my blog posts have been few and far between lately. We refer to the month of May as the "dark month" around here. Mother's Day, my birthday, Catherine's birthday, and this year, high school graduation.

Today is the day that the Lebanon High School Class of 2019 will graduate. I've struggled with this a lot. Do I want to go? Am I in a good enough place to go? Am I too angry to go? The answers are yes, I want to go; I'm not sure but I suppose we will see; and while I'm angry, I'm not too angry to go.

My anger lies both deep within me, as well as on the surface. I'm mad as hell that Catherine isn't here to graduate. All the hard work and goals we had set. Today was the day that we were going to give everyone that doubted my ability to raise Catherine, as well as doubted Catherine graduating, a big old eff you. Having her at such a young age, a lot of people expected me to fail at parenting. Some even said that the apple won't fall far from the tree and Catherine would likely end up pregnant and dropped out of high school. I'm mad that I don't get photos with her in her cap and gown. I'm mad that I don't get to scream and yell when her name is called. I'm mad that I don't get to throw her a graduation party. But as mad as I am at all these things, there is a level of peace.

I do however fear the anger that sits on the surface. Catherine was so smart and kind and talented and generous. She put a lot of work into the 12 years she was in school. From pre-k, all the way to her junior year, my Catherine worked hard. But today, none of that matters. Her name won't be called. Her work won't be recognized. While I remain proud of the work she did put in, it really doesn't matter much to anyone else. I know her friends will remember her and I've been told that the valedictorian and senior class president will likely mention her. And that in itself is beautiful. I love that her friends and classmates won't forget her. I hate that the administration has already forgotten her.

But as angry as all that makes me, I find amazing amounts of joy in our non-profit, Catherine's Orchestra for All. Because while some have forgotten her, we are working to ensure that her memory and legacy live on through the foundation. Even at my angriest moments, I think to the foundation and all the good we have already done in just a year. The support we have from our community is unbelievable and I feel like Catherine is with me daily.

I have often said that I wanted to see Catherine's senior year through to the end. Band concerts, competitions, band banquets, and graduation. Because for me, I knew all those things would have happened. Past graduation, I have no clue. She hadn't decided on a college or major. She didn't want to get married or have children. Who knows what her future would have held for her. And tonight, as the class of 2019 walks across the stage to accept their diploma, another chapter will close.

Pretty soon, the book will close. It will be the end of what we knew of Catherine's life. And ending that book doesn't mean I'm not sad or don't miss her. It means that I don't have to speculate or kill myself with the "what ifs" anymore. But the beautiful thing about closing this chapter and ending the book is that a new book is being written. This new book is Catherine's Orchestra for All. And each chapter of this journey will have her woven through it. Her memory, her laugh, her passion for music. It will continue to guide me and push me along in this journey.

However, for today, I will be focused on this chapter. And despite being sad and angry that Catherine won't be at graduation tonight, you can bet your ass that I will be cheering on her friends and classmates. I've known some of those kids since they were 4 years old. Despite Catherine's absence, it will be a happy occasion. One where parents will celebrate their children and the children will celebrate in their success. And tomorrow, the sun will rise and a new day will start.

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