The Reality of Grief

Ram Dass once said "The quieter you become, the more you can hear." Be still and listen. It is something that I took to heart and started doing after Charlie was born. Any decision or stressful thing in my life, I would just be still and listen. I've always come up with the answer. Sometimes my own will overpowers my mantra and I struggle and stress about the answer. Once I let it go, the answer always comes.  I've done it a lot since Catherine died. In the beginning, the idea of cleaning out her room seemed unbearable. People suggested I turn her room into my own craft room. I was opposed to both ideas. As far as I was concerned, I was never cleaning out her room and I wasn't ever going to craft again.  Over time, I did start to craft again. But I was still opposed to touching her room or even moving in there. It seemed like the worst idea and that I was a traitor of some sort. I didn't want to benefit in any way from her death. Until one day I just d...

Last week wasn't a good week. Not sure if it was the weather being so cold and grey or if my thoughts and memories got away from me. But it was rough. Last Thursday was Senior night for Lebanon High at the football game. We knew it was coming. But seeing all the photos of Catherine's friends on Facebook, being walked down the football field by their parents, was just a bit much. So I cried. And I moped around. And then dear friend called and I let it all go. I told her that we are stuck in this time warp where everyone is moving forward and we are just stuck and I cried. No senior night, no prom, no senior photos, no graduation. It all just goes by, and we KNOW that we are supposed to be there but we aren't because Catherine is gone. To be honest, I'm really dreading graduation in May. That was the finish line that Catherine and I set. It was the moment that we got to prove that we did it. We grew up together, she was graduating high school, and I proved everyone wron...

A few weeks ago, my mother helped me get my house in order. We systematically went through each room in the house and de-cluttered, dusted, organized, and made the house look like people live there. As we were going through my sewing stuff, my mother kept finding unfinished projects. Pretty soon the pile got to be pretty big and I counted 9 sewing projects that I started but didn't finish. Later that night I was telling Josh about it and how I couldn't believe I had that many unfinished projects. I mentioned that the depression must have gotten fairly bad and then we had a conversation that looked like this: Josh: Babe, that wasn't your depression that kept you from doing those projects, it was your ADD. Me: My what?? Josh: Your ADD. You have ADD, right? Me: Um, what? I don't have ADD. Josh: Yes, you do. Didn't you know? Me: No, I didn't know because I don't have ADD. Josh: Yes, you do. I never looked at it as a flaw, I just thought it was a part of ...

Since this past Tuesday when I was let go from my job, I have made a few observations. To start, I find myself happier. I didn't realize how much resentment I held because I had to work and keep all my feelings of grief and hopelessness on the inside. I find I have more energy. Going to work all day and putting on a brave face while working at a high stress job is exhausting. In the evenings, I would get home and crash. In the last year since Catherine died, I can count on two hands how many times I've actually cooked a substantial meal. None were creative and it was only done to feed the kids. While we have sort of kept up with the house, I've realized this last week that it looks a bit like a war zone. Josh and I have done the bare minimum to get by this last year. And I have not baked or made any thing sweet in over a year. That all changed on Tuesday morning. I walked in the house with a clear head and a happier heart and looked around. I felt motivated and inspired...

Today started out like any other day. I got the kids up and out the door, dropped Henry off at daycare, and headed into work. I sat through my first meeting of the day and was headed into my second meeting when I was called into the HR office. I was informed that my position had been eliminated. Lord was I caught off guard. I was shocked as I walked to my car with a box of my stuff. But I never panicked. When Catherine died, I went back to work a week later. I felt like I had so much to do and it would be a great distraction. After everything my coworkers did for my family when Catherine died, I needed to be back at work. It was a safe space. So I worked. I would take a day off here and there for "mental health" when some days were too much to handle. But I never really took time off to process what had happened. I focused on my career, my husband, and my children. Sure, I would cry and have outbursts but I would move on and head into the next day. Until I couldn't anym...

It has been one year since we lost my beautiful girl. There are no words. Today isn't a celebration. It isn't an anniversary. It is the one year mark. Catherine and I shared a love of music and we communicated a lot through music. So, I've put together this video. It is long. It might make you cry. But this was the only way I knew how to communicate on this day.

We had zero intentions on going to the Wilson County Fair this year. As it was the last thing we did with Catherine, we weren't mentally prepared to go this year. We had dug our heels in and were adamant about our attendance.   They say that the definition of bravery is doing something despite being terrified. They also say that being a parent means putting your children's needs before your own. Josh and I had to live by both those sayings this weekend. As much as we didn't want to go for fear of emotions and memories, we knew that the only way the boys would go to the fair is if we took them ourselves. Parenting and bravery, all at once. So we surprised the boys as we were walking out the door. Max burst into tears from excitement and relief and Charlie was a ball of happy energy.  I hate heights and this was the "kiddie" ferris wheel We went on Sunday because there was a car show that morning. My boys love old cars and I'm a bit partial t...