The Reality of Grief

Today was a doozy. As someone that doesn't like change or surprises, it was full of those things. We started out by dropping the boys off with Josh's ex-wife for their vacation at the beach. The boys were so nervous until it was time to leave and then the excitement got the better of them. I was a wreck. Sending my boys away for a week, 30 days after losing my daughter, was hard. But I know they are in good hands and they are having a blast already. After dropping the boys off, we took the baby to Josh's mom for the day and overnight. We knew we had a lot going on and needed him to be busy and loved on elsewhere. We knew it was going to be an emotional day. My sister and I met for coffee and had our PSL's and chatted. We had started these coffee dates a few months ago and after Catherine died, we stopped doing them. I realized today how much I missed them. We talked about everything. While in Panera, we saw band kids getting breakfast before their competition at the...

Tonight's post was supposed to be about something entirely different but after two incidents tonight, I felt like maybe the universe was pushing me in a different direction. Fred Rogers often told this story about when he was a boy and would see scary things on the news: “My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’  That quote has come up a lot the last few weeks. In the moments after we knew Catherine had died, the helpers showed up. Whether it was food, or drink, or planning music for the funeral, or helping with flowers, or helping fund the funeral expenses, or just showing up for hugs, the helpers showed up. It was amazing to me that people were so quick to help. I've said it many times and that is, southerners know how to handle death. The helpers show up. They showed up and took trash off because we missed trash pickup. They showed up with booze when we couldn't take the edge off. They showed up to take me for a ...

Pollyanna definition . (1913) A children's book by the American author Eleanor H. Porter. The title character is an orphan girl who, despite the difficulties of her life, is always extremely cheerful. Note: A “ Pollyanna ” remains excessively sweet-tempered and optimistic even in adversity. So I'm working on a Pollyanna outlook. Despite everything I'm going through, I'm working to  find the bright side. I've felt robbed throughout this process. Robbed of proms, senior pictures, graduation, a wedding, and grand babies. That is depressing. I'm trying to avoid the depressing. Life sucks in so many ways right now but by finding my Pollyanna outlook, it gives me hope.  Instead of being robbed of prom, I'm still going to get a prom. Maybe I will get to go with one of Catherine's friends for prom dress shopping. Or maybe I will volunteer with the special needs prom and help a girl buy a dress. I will insist on going tux shopping with the boys and maybe thei...

I'm all about self care through this process. Hell, I'm brutally honest on this blog. There is nothing to sugar coat and my goal is full transparency. Part of the reason for this blog is self care. It is a type of therapy. I work to find ways to feel better and make sure that I am the best version of myself during this grieving process. It has been 4 weeks since we lost her and it still seems like yesterday. So I work at working on myself. I'm properly medicated. Working to get ahead of the depression and anxiety was one of the first things I did after the funeral. I've suffered depression in the past for way less and I feared that the depression would get the best of me. Medication doesn't make it all better but it does help me with simple tasks like showering and going to work and realizing that kids need to eat and that my stove is dirty. It isn't a fix all and I don't want it to be. I still want to feel but I still have to function. Depression is real an...

Today was one of those days that I saw coming and prayed wouldn't happen. It was the perfect storm. While we are finding a new groove, the reality of the situation and our grief is always present. Finding a groove helps, but it doesn't erase what happened. The morning started out rough. Max couldn't find his polo shirts, he accused Charlie of sabotage (brothers....geez), the baby wanted Charlie instead of Max, and he didn't feel good. He sat in my bathroom and cried this morning. Max is my one that isn't grieving. He is as unattached from the situation as possible. With missing half his immune system, any type of stress or major event can take a toll on his health. This morning his skin was broken out and he looked awful. I sent him to school to give it a try and promised him that someone would take him to the doctor. Sending my grieving son to school was trigger number one. As I dropped the baby off at daycare, they told me he was grieving in his own way by bitin...

We are approaching the one month mark of Catherine's death and I feel like some of the fog is lifting. Everything has been very hazy and confusing the last month. Everything has been a struggle. Showering, cooking, cleaning, going to work, getting dressed, and just living. Today was different. I only had one anxiety attack and it was during a meeting at work when I let my mind wander a bit (sorry, it was a boring moment). Work is my safe space and I love going in each day. Being distracted by a job that I love with people I love makes the day go by quickly. I seemed to be more focused today and laughter came easily. I felt like in some way I found my new groove. It felt different. The pain was there but not as intense. The evening seemed to be different for me as well. I didn't dread coming home. The house wasn't in chaos. We had a change in plans for dinner and I didn't freak out. Max and I cooked macaroni and cheese together, Charlie and I made a taco salad for hi...

Every day I'm faced with landmines. These are emotional landmines that come out of nowhere. You are unprepared and despite trying to avoid them, they rip your heart apart and hurt as much as the day you lost your loved one. I'm hit with these landmines daily. Catherine is everywhere.  It has been our Sunday morning tradition to go to breakfast with Catherine and Henry on the weekends we didn't have the other 3 boys. It was especially important during marching season because we didn't see her much. We would go early to Cracker Barrel, beat the crowd, and be done in time for church. About every couple months, Catherine would make an excuse to leave the table at the end of our meal and would purchase a salt and pepper shaker for me. They went with the season and never cost more than a few dollars. She would proudly give them to me in the car on the way home and we joked that at the rate we were going, we were going to have to get a curio cabinet for all my salt and pepp...

I've never been one for social anxiety. That is my husband's role. The introvert. I've always enjoyed big crowds and while it was exhausting, it was never an issue. Today we had the ALS Walk at Lipscomb. My company and it's foundation are huge supporters of ALS and we show up in big numbers for this walk each year. Everyone brings friends and family members. I enjoyed it so much last year. It is a pretty emotional and powerful event. While I've gingerly walked the landmine of questions about Catherine at work, I was unprepared for the spouses of my coworkers. I've met so many of them the last year and whether it is through a Christmas party or other company event, we have gotten to know each other. I was unprepared for the hugs and condolences and questions and offers of assistance. As a planner, I'm unsure why I didn't plan on this happening. I suddenly became overwhelmed and couldn't find my husband. Throughout all this, we have clung to each other...

There is nothing like death to make you realize that life is short. A coworker the other day wanted a piece of pie from the cafe at work. I told her to go for it. She said she really didn't need it and I responded with "Life is short, eat the damn pie!" If you ever need permission or validation to do something, ask a grieving parent.  Catherine's life was short but she lived it to the fullest. She was involved in everything! But I do have regrets. I wish I had let her go out with her friends more. I wish I had let her act her age and go out to eat after a band competition with her friends. I wish I had let her do more. Because her life was short and I don't believe she got everything out of those 16 years.  I've always been a person that contemplates things before a change, because I hate change. In telling my husband that I wanted to buy new furniture one day, he said he was going to sell what we had to force my hand because I would never just make a d...

The most dreaded question I'm asked each day is "How are you doing?" Prior to Catherine's death it wasn't a big deal. We are southerners and tend to be polite. Post Catherine's death it is my most dreaded question. I want to answer with "How the hell do you think I'm doing? My daughter died and I'm barely holding it together" or "What kind of dumb ass question is that?" or "I am miserable." Instead I answer in the best southern way with "I'm here" or my favorite "How are YOU doing" or "I'm good, thank you for asking." It feels like I'm lying but I don't want to make people uncomfortable and any of the answers I want to give are rude and irrational. I'm crabby and I hate to let it show around the people that care. At the end of the day, 80% of the time it is asked it is just small talk. The other 20% is from people that care. Regardless, I feel like I'm lying 100% of the...

We paid the funeral bill today. And just like that, our financial obligation to Catherine is done. We had planned on proms, graduation costs, senior pictures, band fees, college, a wedding, and grandchildren. My financial obligation shouldn't be done. She should be here for all those things and the realization that we are done hit hard today. It hit like a ton of bricks. The anxiety was intense. It still is as I type this post tonight. My heart hurts. I miss her like crazy. It has been 3 weeks since she left me and it is officially the longest I've been without her. I had that sweet girl for 5,935 days and they were the best days of my life. Despite the finality of it all with Catherine, life still goes on. Maxwell has decided he wants to sing in the choir at church. Catherine started at his age and my mother came and picked her up on Wednesdays for choir rehearsal and then Sundays for church. Max joining the choir was something that had been discussed months ago. He made the...

Starting around 2:30pm yesterday, I had roughly 24 hours of irrational anger. It made me understand why they say to make no major changes the first year after a death. Through those 24 hours I was so mad at Catherine that I wanted to dismantle her room and throw everything out the window. Not sure why I was so mad but I was mad. I'm blessed that I have bosses that understand what I'm going through and it was suggested last night I take a mental health day today. Normally I would balk at that because I hate getting behind at work but I was not in a good place and agreed that a mental health day would be beneficial to not just me, but anyone that came into contact with me. I wasn't in a good place. I'm mad that she left me. She was my best friend. My daughter. For the longest time it was just me and her, out to conquer the world. That other side of our history is gone. I'm not only grieving the loss of my daughter but also my best friend. It isn't fair and it su...

A coworker passed away this past Friday. It was sudden and shocking. He and his wife both worked at Permobil and so we all felt the pain deeply. Not just for the loss of the coworker, but for his wife. Our company is a close one. When one hurts, we all hurt. We show up for each other. When the news broke that Catherine had died, it wasn't 20 minutes later that coworkers started showing up at my house. They have loved me and cared for me and watched me cry and watched me yell and then laugh and then get really drunk. They were part of the light in our darkest hour. They hauled off trash and brought food and booze and more food and more booze. They have offered their offices when I came back if I ever needed space. They have hugged me and asked what I needed. They have helped me get photos and videos off Catherine's iPhone. My coworkers have made my work a safe place. A happy place. When I got the news of the passing of my coworker, my thoughts went straight to his wife. I...

We are southerners. We show up for death. We show up with food. Lots and lots of food. In the moments after they took Catherine away, my first thoughts were to clean the house and empty the fridge. Being in the south, we were about to get a ton of BBQ and mayonaise based dishes. And boy did people show up. With food. Lots and lots of food. But it was the items I'm about to list below that made the biggest impact. These items came from people who lost someone and knew what to bring. This doesn't take away from food. We are southerners and we know funeral food. But here are the things that no one thinks about that helps.  1. Drinks. People show up with food, and lots of it. Someone who had lost a spouse showed up with drinks. Cases of water and soda and juice boxes for the kids. We are still going through all the drinks. They made a huge difference.  2. Paper plates and plastic utensils. Who the hell wants to do dishes when you just lost someone you love? Certainly not me...

It's been 2 weeks and 1 day since we had Catherine's funeral. We are coming up on the 3 week mark of her death. While I have been posting on Facebook a lot, I needed a better outlet. I'm sure it gets exhausting with all my sad posts. This is going to be a place to express where we are in our grief. Some posts could be happy and others could be sad. Most of the time we are middle of the road. Today was not a good day. Being Sunday, Catherine should have been home. It was one of her only days off from band. We would have done usual Sunday stuff. She would have brought us her grocery list and either she would have gone to the store or we would have gone together. We got up this morning and decided to tackle Wal-mart. It has been a great fear of mine. She knew everyone and living in a small town, we are bound to run into someone who knows us. I will admit that going out into public is damn difficult. I tend to wear a hat and talk on the phone so I'm unapproachable. I'...